A Relaxational Saturday

Meh...I'm ready for Thanksgiving break. It should be Tuesday.

So I'm trying to prepare a lesson that I'm supposed to be teaching tomorrow, on the Millennium. I can't tell what I'm supposed to be teaching about, or how it's supposed to go. Then again, I am tired, and so my mind isn't very clear. I'm going to get up tomorrow at 8 (church is at 9:30) and try again.

My roommate has been skyping her boyfriend nearly all day. It seems very odd to me. I don't think this is normal.

I made flan yesterday. The recipe I used made it WAAAY too sweet. In the past three days I've also made fried rice, curry, and this mushroom-eggplant-bamboo shoot sautee thing. The mushroom thing was the most delicious and the easiest to prepare.

I still don't have an internship for next semester. I am bothered by this.

I just want to hurry up and get my license so I can input the information for my papers so I can submit them so I can get my call so I can count down until I go on my mission. If it weren't for my license holding me up, I would have had my papers in like 3 or 4 weeks ago. Annoyance!

I feel as though I will never get married. But it's okay, because I have a life plan now.

I really really really want it to be next week. I'm excited to see my family again, and hang out with Aurora, who just broke up with her boyfriend and so now she'll be hanging out with just the family and not him, like the last 2 times I've seen her. I'm also excited to see the mountains. I miss the mountains.

Today felt like a semi-productive day, and an awesome day. My body woke me up at around 8, which was offensive-I stayed up until almost 2 last night. So I stubbornly stayed in bed until 9, then woke up, felt motivated, and found some exercise videos on youtube and "exercised" for about an hour. It wasn't very strenuous, but it was something, at least. Then I had a small pre-breakfast so my stomach wouldn't eat itself, then I showered, then I had a real breakfast. I cleaned my room, went with my roommate to the store, did a bit of homework, and read a book. Then two of my roommates and I went to Wingers (and I have leftovers! I love leftovers), and then I went to a voice lesson that my friend is doing with me this semester for her voice pedagogy class. After that, I came home and read a book, then took a nap, then tried to prepare my lesson and it didn't work.

So the best part about today was that I had only one prior engagement (the voice lesson), and aside from that, I got to choose to do whatever the heck I wanted. I even got to lounge around. This was the perfect weekend for such a thing, because I have almost nothing that I need to be doing, homeworkwise. It's been lovely.

But I still wish it was Tuesday. I want to go home.

Today

I'm expanding my horizons by listening to music on musicindiaonline.com. They even have several genres available for listening to. Sweetness. I love the scale they use. It sounds so cool.

I talked to a counsellor person about internships. They gave me a resource. I have to contact people now. I also have to study for a biology test tomorrow.

I love chicken and rice. It's my dinner staple.

Jazz dance test was today. I lost the count right at the end, so I messed up. Bother.

I wish I had some deep thoughts right now, but I'm listening to music.

Regarding Internships

So, I'm looking for internships. It turns out that I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't know where to go to look for them. If I can't find an internship before next semester, then I'll have to defer for a semester, go on a mission, and still have a lousy stinking worthless internship to get through. The worst part is that I'm not even going in to economics. I have my life plan, and it does not require a stupid internship. Stupid. And whatever you do for your internship "has to be directly related to your major". Bah. Pee on them. I'm frustrated.

They don't even help you find a major. See, if I were a home ec major, it wouldn't be so bad. For their internship, they can work anywhere: payless, albertsons, on campus. Then they do student teaching, and the school helps them there. Accounting, business, all the useful majors, it's also not hard. But I feel economics majors get shafted. About the only internship we can do is a "junior data analyst" internship. Blah.

I'm stressed. I just want to get an internship, finish my papers (which means I have to renew my license, which means I have to wait until Thanksgiving break), and graduate and go on a mission, then begin my life. Poo.

If anyone knows anyone who needs an economics intern for January-April 2012, let me know!!

Things

I'm going on a mission. My papers are almost done, I just need to renew my license and then input that information. They should be in during Thanksgiving break. Good times.

I need an internship next semester. I didn't get the one I wanted in Rexburg (which also happened to be the only place I applied), so I'm looking for something in Ogden or Salt Lake City.

Ballroom nights and my social dance classes aren't as fun as they used to be. I'm not a social dancer. I want to dance to become better at it. I do dance for fun, but I want to look good while doing it. I want to have all the proper technique. I want to know the steps. I want to be excellent.

I decided that biology is my calling in life. Not barfy economics. Gah.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas break. I wish it were now. I'm not excited for this weekend.

I'm not ready to be done with school, but I think I'm ready to be done with this school. I do love it, and I have all my friends here, but I'm a moving-on sort of person. I don't like to stay in one place for too long.

It's too early in the day for it to be this dark. CURSE YOOOOU WINTEERRRR!

On Goals and The Perfect Man

I WILL become an excellent dancer, even if for it I must sell my soul!!!! In lindy hop, in blues, in ballroom, I will be excellent. I WISH I had a dance partner so that I could practise all the time, and learn new moves, and have someone to work with for competitions!!

If I could make the perfect guy, I would give him a strong testimony. Then I would make him LDS. He would have any color eyes, any color hair. He would be at least a few inches taller than me. He would be a natural leader in dance, and our styles would match...but not too much, so that I could expand his style and he mine. He would have good musicality. He would be kind to everyone, and friendly, and he would make everyone feel special. He would read his scriptures daily, and would be willing to discuss the things that he read with me. He would absolutely love to dance--this would be one of his greatest passions in life. His other greatest passion would be the gospel, so that he could help me along. He would pray often. He would love the outdoors: hiking, biking, fishing, climbing, canoeing, rafting, exploring, and all manner of outdoor activities. He would have served a complete mission, and would tell me stories about it. He would be intelligent, so that I'd have someone to talk to who would understand my topics. He would be handsome, or cute, or attractive. He would be happy, positive, laid-back, optimistic, but also realistic. He would be able to express himself through dance. He would be open about things he didn't think were good for me, or things that he think I should improve upon for my own sake, and he would say these things with a loving intent. He would be better with showing and understanding feelings than I am, so that he'd be better with kids. He would think about others, and remember them, to make up where I lack. He would want to listen to me play piano. He would ask me what I was thinking. He would listen to me. He would dance with me. He would teach me dance, and would be patient about teaching me.

Unfortunately, the perfect guy doesn't exist. And even if he did, he wouldn't want me. I don't have much to offer in return, especially if he had dance skills. But hey, I can dream, can't I? In fact, I'm going to go do just that.

School's Starting Tomorrow...

How is it that we cannot stop hoping that the people who we like, who do not like us back, will like us, even when we know logically that there is no chance of reciprocation? Why do we still try? Is it emotions again? I know, logically, that there are people who will never like me back, yet I still have a hope that they will. I wish I could become a Vulcan.

Also, I looked at my current debt. Knowing the amount makes it less scary. Now, I just need to find a job that's close enough to my parent's house so that I can save on expenses, and pay off my loans as quickly as possible. Then I'll save for a car, and once I have a car, I'll save so that I can start life on my own, perhaps down in Provo, because there's dancing there.

Now that school's starting tomorrow, I'm anxious, in both a good way and a bad way. Good, because it's learning, and it'll give me something to do, and with the beginning of school comes the beginning of school dances; Bad, because it means that graduation is nearer, and because it means I have to call for an interview for an internship soon, and because I've been on break and so I have to get back into the habit again.

I'm also anxious that I won't be able to get into the O-Chem class that I want, and so I'll be less 3 credits that I'll need to fill with something, and I don't really have a backup plan in mind.

Also, for the past 2 nights I've had chase dreams, the type where the pursuers are only minutes behind, and where you escape by only a hair. Two nights ago, I dreamt that a psycho hick guy, age 24-26, was chasing me and my sister with a razorblade. He was relentless, and managed to cut me many times before I stabbed his eyes out. He always had a semi-blank, almost calm, leering expression on his face, and once I stabbed out his eyes, he put away his razors and left. It was only a simulation from this haunted house thing that my family went to, but it felt very real.

Back in Rexburg

I miss Utah. I miss my family. I miss the mountains. I miss hiking. I miss dancing in Provo.

And yet, graduation means that I lose all my friends, and all that is familiar. I lose the opportunity to take more classes, and I lose the hope of finding a husband. I lose the privilage of deciding what to do with my life. I have to decide now, and I don't know what to do. It changes weekly, even daily. I have no direction, and thus, no purpose. I don't know what I'm working towards. I just know that I now have debt hanging over me, and I have to find a job so that I can pay it all off. But I don't even know what jobs are available to me with my limited experience and unattractive resume. I don't even know how to look for a job. I don't know what to do. It's overwhelming. It's daunting. It's bothersome. If I didn't have debt, I would live at home for a while, going dancing every week, and decide what to do. I shouldn't have to know what I want to do with my life when I'm this young. And aren't I supposed to be married and having kids or some nonsense like that, anyway?

I'm stressed. Severely stressed. I need a good dance. Unfortunately, there are no good dances in Rexburg. Just the school dances, with the same crappy DJ who plays the same crappy music, and everyone does the same basic moves, and too few follow the music, and too few are good leads.

I wouldn't be so stressed if I knew I had a job after college. But I don't even know where to start. I hate it. And I can't just work minimum wage; that's not enough to sustain me. I feel like my degree will go to waste, and I'll end up working at an unsatisfactory job that pays much less than I need, forcing me to live at home and having no freedom.

I'm stressed, and sick of waiting for school to start. One and a half more days of doing nothing, and then it begins. But it's always a slow beginning.