Stupid Fridays.

'Nuff said.

A Cool Poem

This poem was in one of the readings for my class:

Time can conquer
Love's unkindness
Love can alter
Time's disgrace

Thomas Campion

Beautifulness.

My text won't stop being slanty.

A Message to Myself

People are important. People are worth your time.

Thank you, my roommate, for helping me to realize this.

Chloe is a selfish rear-end. And she will change. Because she doesn't want to become too "self-interested". (Hahaha.)

And if she fails to remember this, she will be judged most harshly for wasting her potential.

Scarcity and a Waste of Resources

Every day, I become more annoyed that time is a limited resource.

I've come to find that the more I know, the more I want to know, so it's like getting more hungry the more I eat.

And I have potential. But I have to waste it on being a mother and stagnating at home while my husband gets to go live life and learn and do different things every day. We had a large discussion about this tonight, with the conclusion that it's about faith and exaltation requiring you to have a family, and the fact that we get experience families now rather than later, and we have eternity to learn when we die. I wanted something tangible, but alas, faith is the answer. It's annoying. Learning about economics, I am finally able to put my frustration into words: the opportunity cost of having a family is HUGE. Like, HUGE. And this annoys me. I don't know if it's worth it. Although my logic tells me that the long-term benefits are worth it, I see the short-term. And the short-term tells me that it is SO not worth it to have a family. There is so much else that could be so much more beneficial that I could be doing. And my short-term logic just can't handle the option of being a mother knowing that my opportunity cost is so huge. To choose the route of mother is just...irrational. And that's not allowed in my world. I see the short-term benefits, and right now, the short-term benefits are the long-term benefits, if that makes sense.

It's just...stupid for me to choose to be a mother. For other people, the opportunity cost isn't so big, so it would make more sense for them to use their lives to spawn. But I could do so much more- I have the desire, the potential. I don't want to waste it! I am so frustrated.

Waste, waste, waste. I could do so much more. And I know, because I'm logical, that I'll eventually become a mother, and waste my life anyway, because my purely logical side can see the long-term benefits, and is, ultimately, the most rational. But my short-term, not-so-purely logical side (I suppose, then, it would be my emotional side-- another reason why emotions are useless-- see previous post) knows that I will be INCREDIBLY unhappy and dissatisfied with life, and restless.

Waste. It's so frustrating, and even more so, now that my vague frustrations can be precisely articulated, and the ideas expanded.

So, I need to learn as much as I can now, since my learning and thus my progression will halt and then move backward once I become a mother.

Bollucks, then.

Logic

So there's this cute kid in my calc class, and he's a mechanical engineering major. But he's cute. But he says he's a nerd. One point pending-he needs to prove the nerdliness.

I don't trust him, though. I don't know why.

In calc, there are more people than there are seats, so you take whichever seat you can get to. On Tuesday, he sat next to me, since that was one of the few available seats left. We talked a bit that hour. The next day, we were supposed to get a seating chart. I got there early, so as to secure for myself a desireable seat. And I did. There's this other kid in the class who may have a slight fancy for me (I'm not being conceited here-this is my blog, these are my thoughts, and I still feel I have to justify myself for my two-or-so readers) and he chose a seat to the left of me. Then the kid that I sat next to on Tuesday took the seat to the right of me. They both talked to me a bit during the hour. But then the teacher said we wouldn't be making the seating chart that day, which was a bit annoying- I wanted my spot secured instead of worrying that I'll have to sit in the back when I come to class. But anyway. Then today, I sat in the same place that I did on Wednesday, and Cute Kid sat to the left of me, and Kid #2 sat to the right of me. Kid #2 is almost cute, but his brow is too heavy. (That sounds funny). And his voice annoys me, as does the way he speaks. He's a physics major, which is awesome. Math-based people are my people for sure.

But yeah. I don't trust the Cute Kid for whatever reason. Maybe I am reading it right and he is sort of interested in me, and I'm just not used to having normal-type guys interested in me, so I'm cautious. Maybe my other theory is right, in that he may be sort of interested in me, but for selfish reasons (which I am familiar with). Maybe he's got a girlfriend and he's not interested in me, and he's just a flirty type. I'll definitely err on this side-- guilty until innocent, pessimism over optimism. It's safer. So I'm thinking either option two or three (most likely three), because based on past experience, and going along with Murphy's Law, and Le Chatlier's principle, the probability that option one is the correct assumption is very small. I love logic. It's so simple and analytical.

So that's the story. And I figure that this kid is somewhere around 24, 25. I sense a pattern emerging here. All the more reason to be on my guard. Stupid life. Stupid games. Stupid emotions. Stupid "supposed to get married". Stupid BYU-I culture. Stupid past experiences. Stupid everything having to do with relationships. I protest them. And honestly, if I could get rid of my emotions, and these retarded wants for a relationship, then I would. Oh, I would. You have no idea how much I would rather go about life completely objective, completely logical, completely cold and justice, than to be influenced by retarded, illogical, suppressible but not changeable emotions. Oh, how I wish it were possible.

But since I can't get rid of emotions, I figure that if I focus on school, focus on learning, and pretend that this is what I derive the absolute most joy from in both the short term and the long term, I will eventually be able to convince others and myself that I am perfectly happy without having to rely on socialness, particularly relationships, and then emotions will be incredibly supressed but never disappearing completely. It's undefined at that point, so emotions will get closer and closer to disappeared, but they will never reach that point. So the limit of emotions is zero (or gone, rather) as learning approaches infinity. 1,000 points to anyone who finds this humorous, not only because it's nerdly, but also because they understand it.

Imma go do homework now. LEARNING=LIFE!

I'm Pretty Much Awesome.

I am crazy.

And I am stoked.

If my plan goes as planned, I'm taking the GRE this summer, I think. 

I'll be applying for grad school this fall.

I'll be doing an internship next spring.

I'll be in grad school next fall.

Holy lifeness. I didn't know everything would come this fast.

I went and saw a teacher about my planned schedule for the next four semesters. He okay-ed it. But it'll be crazy, and I'll have no life. Which will be nothing compared to grad school. 

So I'm looking at definitely 21 credits next semester. DEAD.

My life, for the next...seven years...will be math and economics. Seven years of learning...It'll be awesome.

This semester, I was annoyed that all my classes were so easy, so I asked if I could audit a class for which I haven't had the prerequisites (I'm enrolled in them right now). I'll have to teach myself some stuff if I hope to understand what's going on, but it's all easy stuff. But I'm so stoked to have a class that will actually challenge me, even though it's not for credit. But I'm taking it this fall for credit, and I figured that anything I could do to make my life easier for the next few semesters would probably be good.

I am SO stoked though!! Oh, the sweetness of a challenge. Let's see how well I can use my limited resources.

Seriously for serious, I am so excited for next semester. It's gonna be KILLER!!

My only problem is teh moneyz. That's one limited resource that I'm definitely scared about. I won't have time to have a job, so I'll either have to take out some not-government loans, go hungry, mooch off of friends, suddenly get a really high GPA, or find some money growing on trees. The last option sounds best, but I won't tell anyone if I do find it lest the value of the dollar goes down and inflation goes up. That wouldn't be fun.

Man...I can already feel the tension...the one-step-behind-ness...the no-life-ness...the being-tied-to-the-library-ness...the breakdowns...the tears...the fears...

I am crazy.

And I am stoked.

Curious People

I found this article online. It's nice to know that other people think this way.

Curious People

I’ve always wanted to use the words “never” and “always” or “everybody” and “nobody” together in one short sentence.

But that’s me.  As a writer I’m intrigued by language.  I also spend a lot of time thinking about how things work and why.

My wife, on the other hand, is a people person.  She’s always thinking about relatives and friends, how they feel, what they need or would like, what’s new in their lives.

I like people, too, but I don’t ruminate about them as she does because there’s something unsolvable about them.  I mean, I can’t figure out why some people do the things they do.

For example, I wonder about people who hunt animals.  I’m not saying hunting is wrong or should be banned or anything like that.  It’s just that I don’t understand the sport.  I tried it once—shot an unarmed squirrel.  I had this awful feeling that I’d just broken something that couldn’t be fixed.  “He didn’t even know he was in the game,” I thought.  Okay, so I’m a jar of jelly, but couldn’t hunters get just as much satisfaction by shooting paint balls at the animals, or maybe throwing custard pies at them?

I’m perplexed by people who say that they’re voting for the lesser of two evils.  This has been a voter lament since George Washington refused a third term.  And yet we live in the most powerful and prosperous nation ever to exist.  Surely we haven’t been governed all this time by evil to a lesser degree.  I think if these people want to be cynics they should say they’re choosing from the better of two performers. 

I don’t understand people who buy bottled water.  Maybe I’m naive, but can’t you get this stuff for free?  Was I supposed to be putting coins in those drinking fountains at the mall?  I don’t think so.  I wonder, are these the same people who bought pet rocks years ago?  Do you think they would buy cylinders of compressed Rocky Mountain air?

Then there’s the driver who uses his middle finger to communicate frustration or anger?  I’m pretty sure that this same person in the supermarket would probably just say “darn” or “oops.”  There’s something about being isolated in a powerful machine that seems to relax civility.  How do you reply to this crude gesture?  If you think about it, a finger pointing skyward could be interpreted to mean “go to heaven.”  I just give the “OK” signal and a wink.

I wonder who are the people who listen patiently on the phone as telemarketers give their spiel.  Somebody must be—because they keep calling.  Hey, whoever you are, stop it!  As long as you’re nice to these alien voices they’re going to continue to bug us all.  Instead, tell them to “go to heaven” as crudely as possible and hang up.  I’m kidding, of course, but I do wonder who’s rewarding those “tele-phoney” salespeople.

I shake my head at people who write hateful letters to the editor—the ones with trigger words like fascist or red-necked or demeaning names like Slick Willy or King John.  Will insulting labels or name calling really change any reader’s opinion?  We all know it won’t, yet people keep doing it.  I guess what they’re really saying is “I’m mad as hell and I gotta tell someone besides my spouse.”

I’m puzzled by car owners who drive around with those frames dealers put over license plates.  I haven’t seen one that wasn’t plain ugly.  And often they cover up part of the plate numbers or expiration month—which is illegal, by the way.  These same people often have dealer emblems stuck on the trunk as well.  I don’t understand it—advertising without getting paid.  But it must be me who’s odd because I don’t like wearing commercials on my clothes either.

And I wonder about people who think they are nobodies—particularly those who think their votes don’t count on election day.  These are the lambs who are awed by politicians, and think they have no say in government policy.  I personally believe everyone some time or another is important in this world, not in the Warhol 15 minutes of fame sense, but important to other people, to friends or family, and especially to our democracy on election day.  In other words, everybody is never always nobody.

http://www.jimwegryn.com/Essays/Curious%20People%20.htm