A Relaxational Saturday

Meh...I'm ready for Thanksgiving break. It should be Tuesday.

So I'm trying to prepare a lesson that I'm supposed to be teaching tomorrow, on the Millennium. I can't tell what I'm supposed to be teaching about, or how it's supposed to go. Then again, I am tired, and so my mind isn't very clear. I'm going to get up tomorrow at 8 (church is at 9:30) and try again.

My roommate has been skyping her boyfriend nearly all day. It seems very odd to me. I don't think this is normal.

I made flan yesterday. The recipe I used made it WAAAY too sweet. In the past three days I've also made fried rice, curry, and this mushroom-eggplant-bamboo shoot sautee thing. The mushroom thing was the most delicious and the easiest to prepare.

I still don't have an internship for next semester. I am bothered by this.

I just want to hurry up and get my license so I can input the information for my papers so I can submit them so I can get my call so I can count down until I go on my mission. If it weren't for my license holding me up, I would have had my papers in like 3 or 4 weeks ago. Annoyance!

I feel as though I will never get married. But it's okay, because I have a life plan now.

I really really really want it to be next week. I'm excited to see my family again, and hang out with Aurora, who just broke up with her boyfriend and so now she'll be hanging out with just the family and not him, like the last 2 times I've seen her. I'm also excited to see the mountains. I miss the mountains.

Today felt like a semi-productive day, and an awesome day. My body woke me up at around 8, which was offensive-I stayed up until almost 2 last night. So I stubbornly stayed in bed until 9, then woke up, felt motivated, and found some exercise videos on youtube and "exercised" for about an hour. It wasn't very strenuous, but it was something, at least. Then I had a small pre-breakfast so my stomach wouldn't eat itself, then I showered, then I had a real breakfast. I cleaned my room, went with my roommate to the store, did a bit of homework, and read a book. Then two of my roommates and I went to Wingers (and I have leftovers! I love leftovers), and then I went to a voice lesson that my friend is doing with me this semester for her voice pedagogy class. After that, I came home and read a book, then took a nap, then tried to prepare my lesson and it didn't work.

So the best part about today was that I had only one prior engagement (the voice lesson), and aside from that, I got to choose to do whatever the heck I wanted. I even got to lounge around. This was the perfect weekend for such a thing, because I have almost nothing that I need to be doing, homeworkwise. It's been lovely.

But I still wish it was Tuesday. I want to go home.

Today

I'm expanding my horizons by listening to music on musicindiaonline.com. They even have several genres available for listening to. Sweetness. I love the scale they use. It sounds so cool.

I talked to a counsellor person about internships. They gave me a resource. I have to contact people now. I also have to study for a biology test tomorrow.

I love chicken and rice. It's my dinner staple.

Jazz dance test was today. I lost the count right at the end, so I messed up. Bother.

I wish I had some deep thoughts right now, but I'm listening to music.

Regarding Internships

So, I'm looking for internships. It turns out that I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't know where to go to look for them. If I can't find an internship before next semester, then I'll have to defer for a semester, go on a mission, and still have a lousy stinking worthless internship to get through. The worst part is that I'm not even going in to economics. I have my life plan, and it does not require a stupid internship. Stupid. And whatever you do for your internship "has to be directly related to your major". Bah. Pee on them. I'm frustrated.

They don't even help you find a major. See, if I were a home ec major, it wouldn't be so bad. For their internship, they can work anywhere: payless, albertsons, on campus. Then they do student teaching, and the school helps them there. Accounting, business, all the useful majors, it's also not hard. But I feel economics majors get shafted. About the only internship we can do is a "junior data analyst" internship. Blah.

I'm stressed. I just want to get an internship, finish my papers (which means I have to renew my license, which means I have to wait until Thanksgiving break), and graduate and go on a mission, then begin my life. Poo.

If anyone knows anyone who needs an economics intern for January-April 2012, let me know!!

Things

I'm going on a mission. My papers are almost done, I just need to renew my license and then input that information. They should be in during Thanksgiving break. Good times.

I need an internship next semester. I didn't get the one I wanted in Rexburg (which also happened to be the only place I applied), so I'm looking for something in Ogden or Salt Lake City.

Ballroom nights and my social dance classes aren't as fun as they used to be. I'm not a social dancer. I want to dance to become better at it. I do dance for fun, but I want to look good while doing it. I want to have all the proper technique. I want to know the steps. I want to be excellent.

I decided that biology is my calling in life. Not barfy economics. Gah.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas break. I wish it were now. I'm not excited for this weekend.

I'm not ready to be done with school, but I think I'm ready to be done with this school. I do love it, and I have all my friends here, but I'm a moving-on sort of person. I don't like to stay in one place for too long.

It's too early in the day for it to be this dark. CURSE YOOOOU WINTEERRRR!

On Goals and The Perfect Man

I WILL become an excellent dancer, even if for it I must sell my soul!!!! In lindy hop, in blues, in ballroom, I will be excellent. I WISH I had a dance partner so that I could practise all the time, and learn new moves, and have someone to work with for competitions!!

If I could make the perfect guy, I would give him a strong testimony. Then I would make him LDS. He would have any color eyes, any color hair. He would be at least a few inches taller than me. He would be a natural leader in dance, and our styles would match...but not too much, so that I could expand his style and he mine. He would have good musicality. He would be kind to everyone, and friendly, and he would make everyone feel special. He would read his scriptures daily, and would be willing to discuss the things that he read with me. He would absolutely love to dance--this would be one of his greatest passions in life. His other greatest passion would be the gospel, so that he could help me along. He would pray often. He would love the outdoors: hiking, biking, fishing, climbing, canoeing, rafting, exploring, and all manner of outdoor activities. He would have served a complete mission, and would tell me stories about it. He would be intelligent, so that I'd have someone to talk to who would understand my topics. He would be handsome, or cute, or attractive. He would be happy, positive, laid-back, optimistic, but also realistic. He would be able to express himself through dance. He would be open about things he didn't think were good for me, or things that he think I should improve upon for my own sake, and he would say these things with a loving intent. He would be better with showing and understanding feelings than I am, so that he'd be better with kids. He would think about others, and remember them, to make up where I lack. He would want to listen to me play piano. He would ask me what I was thinking. He would listen to me. He would dance with me. He would teach me dance, and would be patient about teaching me.

Unfortunately, the perfect guy doesn't exist. And even if he did, he wouldn't want me. I don't have much to offer in return, especially if he had dance skills. But hey, I can dream, can't I? In fact, I'm going to go do just that.

School's Starting Tomorrow...

How is it that we cannot stop hoping that the people who we like, who do not like us back, will like us, even when we know logically that there is no chance of reciprocation? Why do we still try? Is it emotions again? I know, logically, that there are people who will never like me back, yet I still have a hope that they will. I wish I could become a Vulcan.

Also, I looked at my current debt. Knowing the amount makes it less scary. Now, I just need to find a job that's close enough to my parent's house so that I can save on expenses, and pay off my loans as quickly as possible. Then I'll save for a car, and once I have a car, I'll save so that I can start life on my own, perhaps down in Provo, because there's dancing there.

Now that school's starting tomorrow, I'm anxious, in both a good way and a bad way. Good, because it's learning, and it'll give me something to do, and with the beginning of school comes the beginning of school dances; Bad, because it means that graduation is nearer, and because it means I have to call for an interview for an internship soon, and because I've been on break and so I have to get back into the habit again.

I'm also anxious that I won't be able to get into the O-Chem class that I want, and so I'll be less 3 credits that I'll need to fill with something, and I don't really have a backup plan in mind.

Also, for the past 2 nights I've had chase dreams, the type where the pursuers are only minutes behind, and where you escape by only a hair. Two nights ago, I dreamt that a psycho hick guy, age 24-26, was chasing me and my sister with a razorblade. He was relentless, and managed to cut me many times before I stabbed his eyes out. He always had a semi-blank, almost calm, leering expression on his face, and once I stabbed out his eyes, he put away his razors and left. It was only a simulation from this haunted house thing that my family went to, but it felt very real.

Back in Rexburg

I miss Utah. I miss my family. I miss the mountains. I miss hiking. I miss dancing in Provo.

And yet, graduation means that I lose all my friends, and all that is familiar. I lose the opportunity to take more classes, and I lose the hope of finding a husband. I lose the privilage of deciding what to do with my life. I have to decide now, and I don't know what to do. It changes weekly, even daily. I have no direction, and thus, no purpose. I don't know what I'm working towards. I just know that I now have debt hanging over me, and I have to find a job so that I can pay it all off. But I don't even know what jobs are available to me with my limited experience and unattractive resume. I don't even know how to look for a job. I don't know what to do. It's overwhelming. It's daunting. It's bothersome. If I didn't have debt, I would live at home for a while, going dancing every week, and decide what to do. I shouldn't have to know what I want to do with my life when I'm this young. And aren't I supposed to be married and having kids or some nonsense like that, anyway?

I'm stressed. Severely stressed. I need a good dance. Unfortunately, there are no good dances in Rexburg. Just the school dances, with the same crappy DJ who plays the same crappy music, and everyone does the same basic moves, and too few follow the music, and too few are good leads.

I wouldn't be so stressed if I knew I had a job after college. But I don't even know where to start. I hate it. And I can't just work minimum wage; that's not enough to sustain me. I feel like my degree will go to waste, and I'll end up working at an unsatisfactory job that pays much less than I need, forcing me to live at home and having no freedom.

I'm stressed, and sick of waiting for school to start. One and a half more days of doing nothing, and then it begins. But it's always a slow beginning.

Home...

I remember now why I hate Michigan: there's absolutely NOTHING TO DO HERE!!!!

I want to dance. I really want to dance. The nearest swing dance place is THREE HOURS AWAY in stinking Ann Arbor. Muskegon contains nothing but zillions of trees. I hate it.

We're driving out next Monday. Just one more week to endure.

It wouldn't be so bad if even one person in the family would take time to dance with me. But everyone's being stupid and they don't even want to learn the nightclub two-step. So I have bouts of helping to pack (whenever mom directs me) and doing nothing (whenever mom is not directing me. All packing must be done under her direction). All the books are packed, so I can't even read. Gay. And I absolutely refuse to watch TV, and I don't want to watch movies unless it's night time.

I had a dream last night about dancing. Except when I went to the dance, it turned out to be just a pool party and I didn't even get to dance. It was so disappointing. But at least there's a hope of a dance in my dreams, whereas in real life, there's nothing there until Thursday of next week. AAAHHH!!!

I don't know what I'm gonna do after college. It's been only two weeks since the busiest semester of my life, and I'm already recuperated. What the heck am I supposed to do when I graduate? Get a stinking job? I'll have no friends. I don't think there's dancing every night. I'm not married. I'll have no purpose in life. That's unhappy. College (i.e., learning) and dancing are my reasons to live. I'll still have dance, but that only gives me half of a reason to live. I want to be an eternal student. I must go on for a master's. But the question after that is: a master's in what? What the heck am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I hate deciding this. I shouldn't have to decide this at twenty years old. I'm frustrated.

Today

Things I hate:

-Sucky managers
-Assaults against my integrity
-Pansies
-Complainers
-A "My opinion is always right!" attitude
-Going against the convention for the sake of going against the convention...and then being vocal about it
-Wet pants
-Frozen butt
-Lack of bed
-White Glove and a biased manager to check the white glove
-Poor sports
-Making a mountain out of a molehill
-Packing
-Moving
-Girls who agree with a guy solely because they like the guy

On Obsession

I went to bed thinking about dancing, and woke up to dreaming about dancing. It was one of those slow wake-ups, where you gradually realize that the dream is not reality, and it fades further away, until you are at a functional and logical point of consciousness. As the dream faded out, reality faded in, and reality was that I was hungry, and that my toe hurt. My mind is wonderfully one-track when I wake up tired, so I went downstairs and took care of my toe first. It had gotten a cut yesterday, and I could feel that it was getting infected, so I washed it with soap, and then squeezed out the infected pus junk. I marvelled at how fast an infection can occur. Then I looked to see if anyone had hydrogen peroxide, or some sort of alcohol, but nobody did, so I used nailpolish remover instead. I poured it on, dried it, then used a q-tip and swabbed the cut. Then I went to the kitchen to find food. Hey look. Eggs. So now I'm making eggs.

Wasn't that fun?

I am sore amazed, because waking up hungry definitely means that I don't eat enough. I forget to eat whenever I go dancing. Thus, I truly have found my one passion: when you love something enough that you forget to eat, then it must be something that you love deeply. O! to have found my passion earlier! But at least I've found it. I'm going to try to get an internship up here for the winter so that I can have 2 more semesters up here, and I'll be able to take more dance classes and continue to go to ballroom and swing nights and workshops. By that time I hope to have gotten good enough to take off the training wheels.

So, yeah. I shall now be sleep-deprived because I was hungry because I forgot to eat because I was dancing. Time to prepare my sunday school lesson, I suppose.

The end.

On Swing Dancing

I LOVE SWING DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ballroom workshop was tonight. It was open dance. The whole time, I was just wanting to swing dance. Part way into the dance, someone who goes to swing, who is really good, who I've danced with before, appeared at the doorway as a swing song came on, and we danced superfast. I felt bad, because I'm nowhere near as good as him, but I wanted to swing, dang it. It was SO fun!!! I got to swing with him twice. Ah yeah!

I'm also gonna be a manager-or-something for ballroom workshop next semester. Look at me, all getting involved and stuff.


I'm supposed to be doing homework. I'm listening to jazz. I'm tired. Tomorrow's Friday. I want to dance. I love dancing. I hate homework.

On Semester's End

Well, it's nearing the end of another semester. I'm still without definitive life plans. Still without a significant other. Still without a job plan. Still without an internship. Still without a desirable sleep schedule.

Swing dancing tonight. Vintage night. It was fantastic...but it ended before 11. It still went the full 2 hours of dance, but they had to start at 8:30. It was nice in the beginning, because the girl-to-guy ratio was favorable. But around 9 when all the rest of the girls started coming, it wasn't as fun.

I got all dressed up. Looked awesome. Sportin' the red lipstick. Danced with a whole bunch of awesome people. Funny story: I danced with a kid who was there from highschool. He did not know what he was doing. Instead of being bored or disappointed each time he asked me to dance(since he asked me 3 or 4 times), I sort of led myself and made stuff up, while sort of teaching him as well. And it was SOOO fun!!!! I think I had the most fun dancing with him, just because there were no rules, no form to worry about, no technique to break. It was pure danceage. The only disappointing part was that he asked me to dance on 2 of the best songs of the night. They were both blues songs, and I could feel them, and he didn't. He wasn't as good at keeping with the beat, but I forced him to by keeping myself with the beat. Ha. But seriously, it was just FUN. I could do anything (and I did do anything) and just make stuff up, and have fun with it! I think I had a taste of what leads feel like. Especially leads who dance with non-good follows. It was still fun, because his inability to dance/follow didn't ruin my fun (which is probably why the awesome people still dance with me), but it would have been way fun with someone who could follow. I worked within his frame, though. I didn't do anything that would mess up the groove. It was fun. I felt fully confident and in control. I need a dance partner with whom I can connect like that. Which probably means that I need to get married.

The kid who liked me tried to do his version of blues with me at the end, but it wasn't a blues-feeling song. I didn't feel the blues to it. As a result, I was once again just having fun, and I was chastised for it. Bad dancing strategy. I chastised him back: "Hey. I'm having fun." Ha!


So, related story: Last night (Tuesday night) I had a dream about a guy at swing that I had a smallish crush on (hey! first one of the semester!). I was talking to him about something-or-other. Then in the dream, I had a dream. It was me and this guy, and we were again talking, but he was more humoring me than anything. We were in this building in a city, and the room we were in was like the front of a shop. We were talking again, and then a song came on that's been stuck in my head for the past 4 days: Fever. Then I started blues dancing (or at least my dreaming brain's interpretation of it) and stuff. But he didn't really respond; he thought about it, but decided to still humor me instead. Bummer.

I love dreams.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I was supposed to have been doing it since I got home. But when I got home, I was bummed because dancing was over, and because I don't have a man, so I went skateboarding with my roommate. By skateboarding I mean riding on a skateboard and looking like one of those wussy girls who try to look cool. We went to Broulim's and got food, cause I hadn't eaten but twice. Then we came home, chatted with other roommates, and then watched harry potter 6 pt 1.

Take home message: Swing Dancing. If I knew how, I would allow it to consume my life. But currently, my only access is through Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. I want more. I want every night to be swing. I am obsessed.

Lingering question: Where is my love?

On Frustration

I don't send signals. I don't recognize signals. As a result, I will never be married, unless a boy decides to be supremely persistant. This doesn't happen. Therefore, I will never be married. And this makes me frustrated.

But today was good. Church, in which my two roommates and I decided to go to another ward for 2nd hour, and we just happened to go to mission prep, and we got to teach about Joseph Smith's vision. It was awesome. Then home, and I made caramel corn for a potluck. Then I skyped my family. I miss them. Then I went to the Kirkham and played piano, and made variations on hymns. It was fun. Then, visiting teaching, which was good, then to the park. I listened to a bunch of strings (even a bass!!) play hymns, and VERY VERY well did they play. They played variations too, and put stylings, and basically improvised. It was awesome!!!!!!! I finished a painting for class while they did that. There was also this little girl, and she was shy, so I let her paint on some paper. Her mom was happy about that. After the strings were done, I went to the echo room, played guitar for the hymns that I had chorded, and even sang. In public. And I think I could have a really good voice if I would take lessons (and I don't compliment myself lightly). But I'm not a soprano. Then I watched the clouds, and waited for mi amiga to pick me up. THE CLOUDS WERE AMAZING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful. Then we went up to the temple and watched the sunset. The clouds were amazing. Then we went to my house, and I observed her flirt, and realized that I'll never be good at it. Then we got free dinner from her neighbor, and played Speed and Nertz. Then we went to her house and talked for an hour. Then I went home, and now I've decided that I'm frustrated that I never have even a hope for any of my crushes, so I don't even try, because my brain tells me that yes, I deserve someone awesome, but whenever I see someone awesome, I feel like they're too awesome to notice me, so I don't even try. MASSIVE GRARRRL OF FRUSTRATOINNNSLKNONWOIENOINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a strange, self-defeating loop. I'll never be married. I'll never date. I'll never be in another relationship. I've only been in 2 relationships, and the first occured because I pursued it hardcore (when I was still naive) and the second because it was arranged. As in, we pretended to date at first to get a stalker off his back. I really am lame. I've never had a real relationship. In my entire life. That's pathetic. If that's the case, then does that not show that I'm not as awesome as everyone and myself say I am? But my brain rejects this. Why can I just not understand how to send and receive signals?!?!! Such a simple concept, and my intelligent brain cannot grasp it. Whatever.

So, my frustration is leading me to stay up late, and do homework, and listen to non-sunday music, even though it's technically not sunday anymore. I think this mood will last until tomorrow.

In other news, I had a dream that I was somehow married to that guy who likes me, and I was very very unhappy about it, but I knew that I shouldn't get a divorce. I was also drunk at one point. It wasn't a happy dream, but interesting nonetheless. I have never had a dream that I haven't enjoyed.

I am frustrated. I hate boys. I hate the game. We're playing with limited information. That always leads to a sub-optimal solution.

The End.

On Exhaustion

My "Nuevo Tango" radio on Pandora has somehow become seeded with "Cut Chemist" and other not-really-related bands. They're cool, but yeah. I now get Flamenco (I think that was from the "Rodrigo y Gabriela" seed) and some type of house music. Nu jazz, et. al.

So, today was terrible, but tonight was fantastic. Dancing just makes everything better. I was exhausted because I had to stay up all night (minus 2 hours) doing this stupid excel thing for one of my classes, so I was exhausted all day. I had my recital, and it was okay. I wasn't terribly nervous, as I usually am. But I just wanted to dance. So straight after the recital (which ended around 8:15), I ran to the MC, where ballroom workshop started at 8. They were learning viennese waltz. Good times! So I learned the viennese waltz. Or rather, the basic step. My partner was a nice dude, and not a severe beginner, but not a pro either (but neither am I, so it's all good). I wish he was a better leader, and picked up on the steps more quickly, but he was a nice guy. Fun to socialize with. Near the end, the instructor taught us what he called a "gold level" step (really difficult or something), and we learned it in like the last 2o mins of class. As we were dancing, he was giving some instruction, or talking about something, and he said of me, "I've been watching her and she's actually very good!" And in front of all the class, too! I was so flattered!!!!!! Dancing compliments are the best!!!!

Last night, I was only able to go to swing dance for an hour, and I only got asked to dance three times (twice by the same dude-he's a nice guy), but the really good blues dancer guy, the instructor who gave me the compliments, asked me to dance. I had been sitting, exhausted, and resigned to watch the dancers, because only the people who were really good at dancing were being asked. So I was being all tired, and he asked me what was up, and I expounded upon my tiredness. But we danced, and it was fun, because he's all about improvisation and not just vanilla lindyhop. He told me that I had gotten really far, improved a lot, in just one semester. It made me happy. At the end of the dance, another of the really good dancers (who is actually in collegiate dance, I found out this last Saturday) who has danced with me before and said I'm fun to dance with, came up and sat by me, and we chatted a bit. But after the end prayer, I left, and gathered my things. The Blues Guy came over and wished me a better weekend, and then offered me a ride. I was supremely grateful, because I was tired and had loads to do and didn't want to walk home.

Other random things that happened today:
*I was studying in the Romney and some dude walking down the stairs leaned over the railing and said, "Good luck with whatever you're doing. I hope you do well!" And I said thanks. It made me smile.
*My harp teacher is impressed about a song I can play, and that I can do harmonics
*I found a ride to UT for tomorrow!
*I was able to take a short nap in the sun, and get sunburned again.

Good times, all of them. I love dancing. I can't wait for next semester!

On Dancing Pt.2

"Everything" by Michael Buble. Good song. They played it last at the dance tonight.

So, I got three more compliments. I swear they're coordinating or something. I still don't believe them. Methinks what they mean is "you're better than the average person who knows nothing about dancing, and I'm surprised because you look like the average person who knows nothing about dancing."

During the instruction part of the dance, I was dancing with one of the instructors, and another instructor walks by and says, "She's good, isn't she?!" And then he looks at me and says, "You're up and coming!" I didn't know what to say; I was very flattered, and bashful. This instructor that walked by was the one who complimented me last week, and who I consider to be an excellent dancer.

Another guy said I was a good follow.

And the last guy I danced with said, "You're so good!" I've danced with him before, and he's good.

But I still don't fully believe all of them. I need to know who they're comparing me to. Am I good relative to that other girl who is here for the first time, or am I good relative to those who have been dancing for a long time? I wish I knew. Bother.

But yeah. Dancing is good.

I also got sunburned today!! It was fantastic! Sun does exist in Rexburg.

On Dancing

So, I've been told 3 times in the past few weeks, and twice tonight, that I'm a good follow. One of the times was at swing dancing, by a guy who I consider to be a fantastic dancer, and it's a huge compliment to get from him. The good dancers have been asking me more often the more I go, and it's awesome. Also twice tonight, I had people say I was fun to dance with. These are the best compliments I've ever received, and tonight, I just started believing the compliments. I still don't think that I'm that good of a dancer/follower, but I believe that they're telling the truth.

I love dancing. I love dancers. I love compliments. I love Wednesday thru Saturday. I LOVE DANCING!!!!!!

Good Friday Indeed

How does Sister do it? How does she balance flirting and flying? I want to be able to control boys, and have them wrapped around my finger, but also to have them know that I'm not theirs, that I'm out of their league. Perhaps I'm too nice. Or something. Gay.

I've been having such vivid dreams. The first in the line of 3 that I remember was about arranged marriage, where I was supposed to marry someone for some reason, and I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, but it seemed logical, so I was going to do it. Then we found out that the guy was supposed to be married to someone else, and it was a mistake with me, but luckily we weren't married yet because I didn't have a ring.

The next was about me, and I had migranes that made me think I was in an alternate reality instead of causing pain, and in this alternate reality I imagined that I had other powers. It wasn't really dangerous, but my friends and the doctors wanted me to get an operation to fix it. Brain surgery. But they couldn't perform it for some reason, so I had to wait, and continue, and either take the intense pain of the migranes, or do the alternate reality.

The third was that I was held hostage by a black man, and it had to end with either he or I dying. I escaped one day, and hid in a girl's apartment, and she gave me a large chocolate chip cookie. Then I knew I had to return to the black man's apartment and rescue my sister, because I knew that even though he wouldn't hurt her, she wouldn't escape on her own.

Weird dreams. Vivid dreams. They're interesting. I wonder if they are interpretable, or if they're just my mind having fun.

I worked out today. Rowing machine. Abs. It's a beautiful feeling to have your abs burn. Also, I danced tonight. Many songs. I dressed up and looked dang cute. I gained confidence. I asked a couple of guys.

The guy who asked me out on a date does have an interest, and I'm trying to not encourage it, but I want to get dance lessons from him. He really is a good dancer. I just need to somehow make it clear that I'm really not interested, I just like dancing with him. It'll be sad next semester when I don't have a steady dance partner that I know, but perhaps I'll be good enough by next semester that all the really good people will ask me to dance, and it'll still be super fun. Good times. I'm determined to become good at dance now. It's my new project.

Also: I tutor a guy on Saturdays who is SUPERDANGCUTE and I want him to ask me out. Though he would have to get a different tutor, because you're not supposed to date your tutees. I get to tutor him tomorrow. Ahh, cuteness. It's good times.

Today was a good day. I absolutely love dancing, now that I somewhat know what I'm doing.

Suggested Invention: Sleep Pills

Marginal productivity decreases significantly when the clock hits about 1 am. Then it continues falling rapidly until about 4 am, and marginal productivity begins to increase.

I'd better finish my homework. I still have to shower. My room's a mess because I have no time to clean it up.

I long for the weekend, but once it comes, a new week and a "do it all again" is closer. But so is the end of the semester. And on to my last semester! It doesn't feel like I should be done yet. Oh well.

I have an interest in a guy. But he likes my friend, so there is no point. He's a decisive sort of guy. Oh well. He likes music that I don't like, so we'd never get along.

I have blisters from playing harp. It makes me feel so hardcore. But it also makes me feel like a rookie, since it means that I don't play enough for me to have blisters.

See? Productivity is WAY down. Time to get on it.

Playlist: Deep Love live recording.

More of the same.

I am frustrated. Again. I find I have an interest in a guy, and guy likes girl who gets all the guys. I don't understand how this girl could be attractive to guys (looks and personality), and this time, I'm not deceiving myself, or exaggerating the truth. I really DON'T know how she is attractive to guys. And yet, she gets them.

My sphere is an obnoxious one, where nothing that enters and is what I want stays for very long. It will always be this way. I won't get what I want.

In other news, I'm tired. And I'm sick of complaining of the same thing over and over. I just wish it would change for longer than a couple weeks, or a month, or a semester.

But I have made a decision: I'm aiming for medical school. That's my career plan. The end.

RE: My inability to find a mate

Why'd I have to be an overachieving idiot and take many credits and work many hours in the best season of Rexburg, my last time in this season? I just want to play. I just want to have fun. And I can't. I'm an idiot. I could work less. But I don't know my budget.

You know what? I just want to be married. Then I won't feel like I need fun all the time, because I'll have my best friend with whom I can just sit down and pop in a movie and be perfectly happy.

Please. Please? I just sit inside my head and watch the daylight slip away.

Give me a break. I need a break.

I must be one of the weaker in the species, and so nobody wants to mate with me. My bloodline will die off. Boo.

Playlist:

Come On Feel the Illinoise! CD by Sufjan Stevens

Expression of frustration at everything being out of order and confused

Life will never become easier, and I want to stop trying, but I know that even if I say I will, I won't, so though there is no point in trying, there is no point in trying not to try. Going against the flow never worked, and going with the flow only seems to confuse me more and make things worse. So I'll go with the flow, because it's easier.

And I have a wicked cough that's tearing up my throat.


Playlist:

Wrong Idea by Chris Thile
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

Self-Analysis

Man, I truly am a self-interested individual, and I'm severely conscious of it. I do the mental calculations not subconsciously. Is it bad to be self-interested? Or am I just feeling bad because I am conscious of it? Of every decision that I make, I can name for you the lists on cost-benefit analysis, and who benefits and why they do. Man, I could be an awesome manipulator if I didn't have such a conscious.

Also, it was on Friday, I think, that I suddenly had the thought: "I am happy with who I am. I am glad to be me." And I felt it wholly and completely. I'm glad I'm me.

I miss my family. I find myself disliking Rexburg more and more, since I have only two of my cousins here. Not nearly enough family.

Now, time to go make the most of today, in my extreme exhaustion :)

More Dreamage...

I had another dream....it was about sex trafficking....and at first, there were these secret underground kidnappings at my school, but they weren't really kidnappings because the people were still there, going to classes and stuff, but they were just being "initiated" into this prostitution ring (unwillingly), and didn't tell anyone about it for some reason. I kept trying to warn people, but nobody believed me, and the bad people kept trying to capture me because they wanted me and because I was warning people. They also didn't care whether I was hurt or killed, since I was warning people, but they preferred that I become one of their prostitutes. But I kept fighting and running. But eventually they did get me, and I struggled with them, and they couldn't get me any "clients", then I stopped struggling because I knew I couldn't escape, and felt like a dirty, immoral, condemned-to-hell person because I didn't struggle anymore--In my mind, I was being consensual, though I wanted to be anywhere but there. It was a disturbing dream. The first part of the dream, before I was captured, was cool. But the second part was rated X. Why does my mind create unwholesome dreams? I don't think about this stuff, so where does it come from? Weird, weird, weird.

Partial Dream

While I'm thinking of it:

I had a dream where there was some sort of band playing or something, and one of them had an upright bass, and he asked me if I wanted to try playing it, but I also asked him because I had a melody in my head, and we both agreed because I've always wanted to try, and the bass had frets. It was pretty tight, because that made it easier to play. And I was able to play it (probably because it had frets). It was so cool. I would love to learn to play the bass someday. Also the cello. It's one of my dreams.

The Oddities of Time

197 page book in 1 hour, 47 minutes. My intent was to read a chill book while I ate, then do some more homework, then perhaps to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Beware of books. Now the time for early-to-bed-early-to-rise has passed, and I think I'll just pull an all-nighter. Perhaps for 48 hours. And then my mind will be as impaired as if I were drunk. Though I've never been drunk (and I never will be). Time has been flying ever since Saturday night. We got back at around 6, and I went to the Snow around 7 and skyped home for an hour and a half, then played piano 'til 11. It was light when I went into the Snow, and dark when I came out. It surprised me. Time escaped from me. On Sunday night after General Conference I went to my friend's house. We talked, watched Tangled, then talked some more. I looked at the clock, and it had jumped from 8 to 12. Time escaped from me. Today after classes and tutoring I was in the library doing homework from 7 until 10. I didn't notice the passage of time except for on the computer clock. It felt as though an hour had passed. My internal time measurer needs reset, so that time will not escape from me. I expect that tonight as I attempt to be ultra-productive, time will yet again escape from me. I pulled an all-nighter last Monday. That was a week ago. It feels like yesterday. Where does it go? Time is certainly relative. I've felt oddly internal since Saturday. I received social interaction on Sunday night, and now it's as though my meter has been filled for an indefinite period of time. Perhaps my body is finally becoming acclimated so that it needs less of everything in order to survive: less sleep, less socialisation, less food, less time. I will transcend mortality before I know it. Someday I will be married and will not have to use this blog any more. It's hardly read as it is. Someday I will have somebody who will have to listen. I hate the boy. I dislike the girl. But I can feign friendship until the semester ends. Two days of classes, three more of packing/moving/planning.

Sympathy versus Duty

My sympathies lie with myself, but my morality tells me to step away; and not only that, but to be an active participant in their unition. I am able to reign in my sympathies, and control my chariot. And though my sympathies conflict with my morality, I am bound by duty--though it does cause pain. Or perhaps these sympathies are only selfishness, and it conflicts with my duty because my duty is what's moral, and selfishness is immoral. Though I feel a masochist at times, encouraging the courtship while screaming against it on the inside, but almost enjoying the feeling of being a martyr, and a secret martyr at that. And I do wonder: will I ever play the part of the one who is to be courted? I feel as though this is a role for everyone but me: I am not even onstage--I am the curtain-puller, the provider of refreshments, the insignificant peon. I do play a part, I do help, but I am given the most menial of tasks. I've given up trying. I don't know how to try anyways. I only know how to be myself--which, supposedly, is what everybody likes, though I have not seen any fruits come of it. I've been told that I am a good catch, that I am somebody who people would want, yet where is the evidence of this? I have yet to see who it is that wants me. Who wants me? I have given up any practical hope of finding a boy who I want, who will want me back. I have given up any practical hope of a boy finding me who wants me, who I will want back. Of course, there is the residue of hope, which I pull back with my logic. Or with my morality. For logic and morality are very much related. It is hope which hurts. Hope from which nothing will come. Hope which leads to disappointment, disappointment being the worst pain of all. It's a sharp, acute pain at first, and stays a chronic, dull, throbbing ache. It is fear of disappointment, and a knowledge of the high likelihood of such, which prevents me from ever going for anything that depends on anybody else. I prefer to remain in the realm of myself, my box, in which realm I can only be harmed by myself. It is a narrow box to be sure, but it is one which I control. It is one where I decide how I will feel, how I will act, and nothing is dependent on others. This brings pain, but it is a pain that I cause, and that I control. For I would rather have pain which I can control, than a happiness which I cannot. And they say that happiness is not dependent on others, but only on one's own self. It is true that there is a particular sort of happiness which depends only on one's own self, but this is not the highest happiness attainable. The happiness which depends only on one's own self is a lesser happiness. True happiness, happiness in its highest sense, does depend on others, as do all things when they are fulfilled in their highest measure. And as true happiness in its highest sense depends on others, so also does true misery in its highest sense depend on others. The highs are in proportion to the lows, and for higher levels of happiness, there are higher levels of misery. So I will stay on my lower level of misery, and likewise experience lower levels of happiness. But at least I can control it all.

Key Change, Please-- I'm sick of C.

I see that you are ignoring the problem instead of addressing it. Or perhaps I'm so excellent at what I do that you perceive no problem. But if you are aware of the problem, then why not just say something? Or do you subscribe to the belief that if you ignore something long enough, it goes away? Or perhaps the "I can't see you so you can't see me" principle.

It does bother me a little. But it'll be okay. As I told you before, I'm used to it; I can handle it. And next semester comes soon (though not soon enough to keep me from feeling some hurt). Next semester, the problems all go away, because neither you nor he will be here. I don't even have to run away, but I am changing the scenery.

Someday, I'll find mine as you have found yours. Someday, I won't have to be quiet anymore. Someday, I'll be allowed to have one too.

I have a headache. Go away.

Another Complaint On Time

Two nights ago, I read my chemistry book for fun.
Last night, I wanted to learn guitar, greek, and singing--all at the same time.
Tonight, I want to read everything.

Why is there not more time?

I want to audit so many classes. I want to take so many classes.

Why is there not more time?

One of the best and worst desires a person can be given is to learn. How great it is to have a passion for knowledge...and how terrible it is to be limited in time.

I hate sleeping as well. It steals time from me.

200th post. Nothing significant.

So, jam session tonight. Once upon a time, I tried to sing in front of them, and got so nervous and stressed that I cried. Good times. No, but for real. I cried.

It's funny. Laugh.

I also have a reflection paper to write, and I don't want to write it.

I also should have been in bed an hour and a half ago. Or two hours ago.

I also should stop being fat.

I also should become more attractive so that I can have some sort of hope at finding a male figure who I can convince and coerce to be my husband.

I also should get better at guitar, piano, school, the gospel, socialising, confidence, and life in general.

I've got a lot to accomplish tomorrow.

Inflammatory Writ

Loud roommates...frustrate me.
Be thou silent so that I mayest more fully think. And I plan on going to bed soon.

The Elder J wrote me a letter full of passive-aggressive "incindiary rhetoric". (Once upon a time some dude in my Econ History class said "incindiary rhetoric and I thought it was hilarious...and pompous). I don't want to be friends with someone who's gonna have a holier-than-thou attitude and still profess to love me and "only want to make me happy". So, that's taken care of. (Side note--I can be a real jerk when I want to be, and to him, I want to be--but I'll hold back, so that I don't look like a dumb.)

Both yesterday and today were fantastic days. I was in an awesome mood, and things were just happy. Good times :D

Today feels like Thursday. I wish it were.

I wish it were next semester. I need to run away. I'm starting to get stale here. The memories are accumulating and dragging me down. It feels like sludge. I need to escape before I'm tied here. I believe that anything and anyplace is good as long as there are no memories attached. I believe that memories build up until they become a suffocating mass that will keep you in the past. I believe that no memories are good memories, because they are gone, and can't ever be reclaimed.

Bedtime, before my good mood turns to negativity.

Midday Chill

I signed up for classes today. They're mostly fun classes, but a large workload of them, so I think I'll have to get rid of some. But I don't want to. So far, I have:
General Art-2D: MW 2-4pm
Intermediate Microeconomics: MWF 9-10am
(I'm positive I'm going to either audit or drop this one) Public Economics: TR 8-9:30am
Senior Capstone: TR 9:45-11:15am
Old Testament: MW 12:45-1:45pm
American Epidemic: MWF 11:30-12:30pm
Essentials of Welding: TR 12:45-1:45pm, then lab 3:15-5:30pm
Piano

So the classes I will for sure keep are Micro, Capstone, OT, Epidemic, and Piano. I'll drop welding if it turns out to be less fun than I think, or if it turns out to be too much work. I'll drop Art if I think it'll take too much time. Good times.

Now, I have class, and I therefore must depart. CLASS!

Equilibrium

Sometimes, I really really really dislike the appropriate path.

Always, I really really really really really really really hate disappointment. But at least less hope is invested each time, so the disappointment is less. Even still, this is why I am the one who is risk averse, who takes no chances, who stays inside her box, who does nothing out of her nature.

Though, I did ask for it, I suppose. Ask for a sign, you'll receive one. But beware the value of the sign--often it is negative when you expect it to be positive. (Side note--don't make expectations. They will be broken.)

Again, school is life; it has always been that way, and will always be that way, and nothing will ever change, and I will never change. There's no point.

And thus, life goes from boom to bust, and I'll soon be back to the equilibrium. The average, the ordinary, the everyday.

The End.

No, but seriously. I'm frustrated. This is one of those, "Fine, I'll just wait 'til next semester, run away to different living quarters to escape the scene, then be a nobody again until the next disruption" situations. I hate that I have to wait to run, but I like that I do have the option. I'll run from hardships--indirectly running from hope--(The disutility of disappointment trumps the utility of hope--hope is uncertain, but disappointment is sure) and build up my exoskeleton for those rainy days, those sandstorm days, when the grains corrode your feelings and gouge individually imperceptible but accumulating ruts in your skin. Make it tougher, so it takes longer for the cuts to hurt (though they always hurt) and make it thicker, so it takes more sand to make a cut.

It seems the disruptions come right when life is starting to go well. When I'm becoming a somebody. There ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good.

This would be over-dramatic if I were describing a single circumstance. But this is not a single circumstance. These are sandstorm days, not an instance, and grains accumulating ruts in my skin, over time. And if emotions could only be discarded, I would not have to become irrationally attached to people who will never reciprocate in the long run. I still hold that emotions are more useless than they are useful, and so I will always revert to logic and reason (though even logic and reason in this life are affected by emotions).

I've always been the second-best, the fall-back, in every aspect. Good times (she says cynically).



Wow, talk about discarding emotions--pity party supreme. But it results in some cool prose, in my opinion. I use some sweet phraseage.

You know, it doesn't really matter. I just decided this. Though I still agree with every post where I've complained about life and how unfair it is. I always will. It will always be true. It's my equilibrium.

Boring.

Once upon a time, I finally sent Elder J an email. We'll see how that goes. We'll see if he even responds. But, it's done. Hopefully, it's over with.

Working on Hebrew translation. Waiting for 6pm to work. I don't want to work right now. I want to play.

Devotional was quite good today. It addressed some recent trivial questions I've had. And we sang 2 good hymns. The choir did this cool arrangement of...a hymn...that I can't remember anymore. Dang it. It was a cool arrangement though...

I wish that every night, I had some activity to go to so that I had something to look forward to each night. I should plan my life so that this is true. I've got Monday night covered, and Sunday night covered...but that's all so far...poo.

I so badly want to go snowboarding. SO BADLY!!!!! But I have not a car wherewith to transport me. Aw, stink.

I'm bored right now. I need to do homework right now. The End.

Life or Lifelike

Esoteric comments don't get anyone anywhere. Just so you know. Literal interpretations are my specialty, and I always take the most negative meaning possible, so that there is no hope to be ruined.

So I got another letter today. Not good times. I haven't read it yet. I feel like it will just make today an even worse day.

Can't everything just be clear? Can't it all just be made known? Why must everything be so vague, so unpredictable, so frustratingly hidden?

Life.

Conflicts

So, stake conference. It was good. Our stake president is President Henry J Eyring, and he's a good speaker. We also had a member from the 2nd quorum of the 70 come and speak: an Elder Walker. He was fantastic. I learned much that I realised I need to know, from all speakers. Someday, when my life has passed me by, I'll lay around and wonder why I am known. It's so indescribably fantastic to know that Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me. I need to have more faith. I really need more faith.

Once upon a time, my roommate is somebody for whom I have immense respect, and she has been my favorite person that I've met (besides Beth...) since being at college. She is the most selfless, most kind, most considerate, super-funny person that I've ever met, and she's beautiful besides. She's sweet, loves the gospel, keeps the rules, doesn't do anything bad. Loves the spirit. Always gets something out of church meetings. She's smart. She's amazing. It makes me very sad that she won't be here next semester. She will always be an example to me, and I hope that she will always be my friend. Her name is Erika Z. I love this girl, and I really really really really really really really really want her to be happy, and I really want her life to work out in a happy manner. She deserves everything good. She cares so much about people. She thinks about everyone but herself. She's just....awesome.

Someday, in the eyes of a passerby, I'll look around for another try, and fade away. (Someday by Sugar Ray)

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. I was super-stressing about it today. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the security of a husband, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. If I had not decided to stay for Fall semester, I would probably be at the MTC by the end of this year. But now, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. I don't know. Nobody said this was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. And I still have to write Elder J. Or write him off, rather. Ha. Ha.

Oh, the self-interested individual that is Chloe Lammi.

I learned that I value people's trust. I very highly value people's trust. I also know how to trust people, and I know how people trust me.

Tomorrow, I have to go visiting teaching.

I'm watching my friend's guinea pigs for half a week while she and her husband go out of town. I'll have to walk quite a ways to get to her house to feed the darn things. But since I am able, I will do it. I can just do homework while I'm there. Maybe spend a night there. That would be sweet. She also said I can eat their food while they're gone...free food. Huge motivator for me. Food is good. Free is better. Free food is best.

I love family. I miss my family. And today, I told myself a secret: I want to have a family. At least, some deep-down part of me does. Some deep-down part of me wants to get married and have children. Fortunately, it's DEEP down. So I can ignore it, except for those very rare situations where it cuts through and sort of stabs my heart a little, and then it hurts me to think that I'm nowhere near marriage. But that's not often, so it's okay.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to play. I'm tired. I sleep-deprive myself. Not good times. I need to go grocery shopping.

Oh, life. Oh, gospel.

Please, lead me to where I need to be, or at least let me know I'm going the right way.

Squeamish?

Holy long time, no post!

So, life. Good times.

Once upon a time, I only had 14 credits during winter semester. This was an insanely low amount of credits for Chloe, who has not had below 17 credits since Spring 2009. Chloe thinks about life a lot, and the more she thinks, the more she realises she does not know, and the more bothered she becomes about the lack of answers.

A current problem: How to tell Johnson that I'm not in love with him no more, and I don't want to marry him, and all the other things that have been on my mind since the middle of last semester. How do I tell him that it faded quickly? How do I drill it into his head that I'm LOGICAL, and REALISTIC? How do I tell him that we're opposite? How do I tell him that I've always felt like I'm looking out for him? Always protecting him? And when will I find the one who wants to listen to me? I listen to everyone, and have not yet had anyone to whom I could tell my life story. I have yet to find somebody who truly wants to listen, who just wants to know me because they find me interesting, without my having to prompt them. This will be my selfish post. I will listen to anyone who needs to talk, or who wants to talk. I will respond. I won't judge, I won't gossip, because I value trust. But other people do gossip, and judge, and so I don't cast my life before swine. How do I tell him that I didn't get that with him? I can't marry somebody who doesn't have that. I can't marry somebody who I dated for three months. He made it into a movie-type romance story, and that's just bull crap. Life is not like that. Not for me, anyway. I think about things. My love for him quickly faded, and now, frankly, I don't care. I didn't have a strong enough bond. Rash promises. Never, NEVER get involved with preemies. I don't love you. I haven't loved you since the middle of last semester. The promise that I made was made when I was in an emotion, and I overestimated my attachment to you. I could tell that it wasn't going to happen, the logical side of me could tell, because the logical side of me knows the truth, but the emotional side wouldn't listen. I don't want you to love me. I told you to focus. Why did I have to go and be one of those stupid "I'll wait for you" girls? Why did you have to be the only stupid guy who would be more attached than I? Why can't you just unexist? Why can't I just find someone to be my best friend, a forever kind of best friend?

New tangent: You know when you come to that realisation when you're like: Aww, man...I'm not good enough. And even if I try, I still won't be good enough. And so you try anyway, because there's still that hope?

Thoughts: I found out that I love snowboarding. I also found out that I love ultimate frisbee (provided that it's friendly competition). I love learning and school, but there has been a dreadful unbalance between school and social life; so much so that the scales are tipping to the extreme now. I like getting out of my box in the short-term, because it leads to some diversity in my otherwise monotonous life, but leaving the box is stepping into the unknown, where there is a high probability of unhappy emotions, which includes disappointment. I don't like when expected results become true results. I don't like having answers. I don't like things being out of my control. I do like control. That makes so much sense. I like answers. With answers, I understand, and when I understand, there is less unknown, and with less unknown, there is more control. And that just makes a whole bunch of other stuff make so much more sense...I didn't think I was like that, but I am. Man....that means I'm boring. Which goes back to New Tangent.

Someday...I hope....I will be able to talk my thoughts, instead of typing them. Type can only convey emotion to an extent, and it does a terrible job. If nonverbal communication is already hard to interpret, then type is especially hard to interpret.

I think my head's been messed with a lot this semester. And I am impatient. Severely impatient. Give me answers.

Who reads this, anyway? The pointless babbles of a not-of-age girl.

My thoughts end where the questions begin.