On Obsession

I went to bed thinking about dancing, and woke up to dreaming about dancing. It was one of those slow wake-ups, where you gradually realize that the dream is not reality, and it fades further away, until you are at a functional and logical point of consciousness. As the dream faded out, reality faded in, and reality was that I was hungry, and that my toe hurt. My mind is wonderfully one-track when I wake up tired, so I went downstairs and took care of my toe first. It had gotten a cut yesterday, and I could feel that it was getting infected, so I washed it with soap, and then squeezed out the infected pus junk. I marvelled at how fast an infection can occur. Then I looked to see if anyone had hydrogen peroxide, or some sort of alcohol, but nobody did, so I used nailpolish remover instead. I poured it on, dried it, then used a q-tip and swabbed the cut. Then I went to the kitchen to find food. Hey look. Eggs. So now I'm making eggs.

Wasn't that fun?

I am sore amazed, because waking up hungry definitely means that I don't eat enough. I forget to eat whenever I go dancing. Thus, I truly have found my one passion: when you love something enough that you forget to eat, then it must be something that you love deeply. O! to have found my passion earlier! But at least I've found it. I'm going to try to get an internship up here for the winter so that I can have 2 more semesters up here, and I'll be able to take more dance classes and continue to go to ballroom and swing nights and workshops. By that time I hope to have gotten good enough to take off the training wheels.

So, yeah. I shall now be sleep-deprived because I was hungry because I forgot to eat because I was dancing. Time to prepare my sunday school lesson, I suppose.

The end.

On Swing Dancing

I LOVE SWING DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ballroom workshop was tonight. It was open dance. The whole time, I was just wanting to swing dance. Part way into the dance, someone who goes to swing, who is really good, who I've danced with before, appeared at the doorway as a swing song came on, and we danced superfast. I felt bad, because I'm nowhere near as good as him, but I wanted to swing, dang it. It was SO fun!!! I got to swing with him twice. Ah yeah!

I'm also gonna be a manager-or-something for ballroom workshop next semester. Look at me, all getting involved and stuff.


I'm supposed to be doing homework. I'm listening to jazz. I'm tired. Tomorrow's Friday. I want to dance. I love dancing. I hate homework.

On Semester's End

Well, it's nearing the end of another semester. I'm still without definitive life plans. Still without a significant other. Still without a job plan. Still without an internship. Still without a desirable sleep schedule.

Swing dancing tonight. Vintage night. It was fantastic...but it ended before 11. It still went the full 2 hours of dance, but they had to start at 8:30. It was nice in the beginning, because the girl-to-guy ratio was favorable. But around 9 when all the rest of the girls started coming, it wasn't as fun.

I got all dressed up. Looked awesome. Sportin' the red lipstick. Danced with a whole bunch of awesome people. Funny story: I danced with a kid who was there from highschool. He did not know what he was doing. Instead of being bored or disappointed each time he asked me to dance(since he asked me 3 or 4 times), I sort of led myself and made stuff up, while sort of teaching him as well. And it was SOOO fun!!!! I think I had the most fun dancing with him, just because there were no rules, no form to worry about, no technique to break. It was pure danceage. The only disappointing part was that he asked me to dance on 2 of the best songs of the night. They were both blues songs, and I could feel them, and he didn't. He wasn't as good at keeping with the beat, but I forced him to by keeping myself with the beat. Ha. But seriously, it was just FUN. I could do anything (and I did do anything) and just make stuff up, and have fun with it! I think I had a taste of what leads feel like. Especially leads who dance with non-good follows. It was still fun, because his inability to dance/follow didn't ruin my fun (which is probably why the awesome people still dance with me), but it would have been way fun with someone who could follow. I worked within his frame, though. I didn't do anything that would mess up the groove. It was fun. I felt fully confident and in control. I need a dance partner with whom I can connect like that. Which probably means that I need to get married.

The kid who liked me tried to do his version of blues with me at the end, but it wasn't a blues-feeling song. I didn't feel the blues to it. As a result, I was once again just having fun, and I was chastised for it. Bad dancing strategy. I chastised him back: "Hey. I'm having fun." Ha!


So, related story: Last night (Tuesday night) I had a dream about a guy at swing that I had a smallish crush on (hey! first one of the semester!). I was talking to him about something-or-other. Then in the dream, I had a dream. It was me and this guy, and we were again talking, but he was more humoring me than anything. We were in this building in a city, and the room we were in was like the front of a shop. We were talking again, and then a song came on that's been stuck in my head for the past 4 days: Fever. Then I started blues dancing (or at least my dreaming brain's interpretation of it) and stuff. But he didn't really respond; he thought about it, but decided to still humor me instead. Bummer.

I love dreams.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I was supposed to have been doing it since I got home. But when I got home, I was bummed because dancing was over, and because I don't have a man, so I went skateboarding with my roommate. By skateboarding I mean riding on a skateboard and looking like one of those wussy girls who try to look cool. We went to Broulim's and got food, cause I hadn't eaten but twice. Then we came home, chatted with other roommates, and then watched harry potter 6 pt 1.

Take home message: Swing Dancing. If I knew how, I would allow it to consume my life. But currently, my only access is through Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. I want more. I want every night to be swing. I am obsessed.

Lingering question: Where is my love?

On Frustration

I don't send signals. I don't recognize signals. As a result, I will never be married, unless a boy decides to be supremely persistant. This doesn't happen. Therefore, I will never be married. And this makes me frustrated.

But today was good. Church, in which my two roommates and I decided to go to another ward for 2nd hour, and we just happened to go to mission prep, and we got to teach about Joseph Smith's vision. It was awesome. Then home, and I made caramel corn for a potluck. Then I skyped my family. I miss them. Then I went to the Kirkham and played piano, and made variations on hymns. It was fun. Then, visiting teaching, which was good, then to the park. I listened to a bunch of strings (even a bass!!) play hymns, and VERY VERY well did they play. They played variations too, and put stylings, and basically improvised. It was awesome!!!!!!! I finished a painting for class while they did that. There was also this little girl, and she was shy, so I let her paint on some paper. Her mom was happy about that. After the strings were done, I went to the echo room, played guitar for the hymns that I had chorded, and even sang. In public. And I think I could have a really good voice if I would take lessons (and I don't compliment myself lightly). But I'm not a soprano. Then I watched the clouds, and waited for mi amiga to pick me up. THE CLOUDS WERE AMAZING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful. Then we went up to the temple and watched the sunset. The clouds were amazing. Then we went to my house, and I observed her flirt, and realized that I'll never be good at it. Then we got free dinner from her neighbor, and played Speed and Nertz. Then we went to her house and talked for an hour. Then I went home, and now I've decided that I'm frustrated that I never have even a hope for any of my crushes, so I don't even try, because my brain tells me that yes, I deserve someone awesome, but whenever I see someone awesome, I feel like they're too awesome to notice me, so I don't even try. MASSIVE GRARRRL OF FRUSTRATOINNNSLKNONWOIENOINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a strange, self-defeating loop. I'll never be married. I'll never date. I'll never be in another relationship. I've only been in 2 relationships, and the first occured because I pursued it hardcore (when I was still naive) and the second because it was arranged. As in, we pretended to date at first to get a stalker off his back. I really am lame. I've never had a real relationship. In my entire life. That's pathetic. If that's the case, then does that not show that I'm not as awesome as everyone and myself say I am? But my brain rejects this. Why can I just not understand how to send and receive signals?!?!! Such a simple concept, and my intelligent brain cannot grasp it. Whatever.

So, my frustration is leading me to stay up late, and do homework, and listen to non-sunday music, even though it's technically not sunday anymore. I think this mood will last until tomorrow.

In other news, I had a dream that I was somehow married to that guy who likes me, and I was very very unhappy about it, but I knew that I shouldn't get a divorce. I was also drunk at one point. It wasn't a happy dream, but interesting nonetheless. I have never had a dream that I haven't enjoyed.

I am frustrated. I hate boys. I hate the game. We're playing with limited information. That always leads to a sub-optimal solution.

The End.

On Exhaustion

My "Nuevo Tango" radio on Pandora has somehow become seeded with "Cut Chemist" and other not-really-related bands. They're cool, but yeah. I now get Flamenco (I think that was from the "Rodrigo y Gabriela" seed) and some type of house music. Nu jazz, et. al.

So, today was terrible, but tonight was fantastic. Dancing just makes everything better. I was exhausted because I had to stay up all night (minus 2 hours) doing this stupid excel thing for one of my classes, so I was exhausted all day. I had my recital, and it was okay. I wasn't terribly nervous, as I usually am. But I just wanted to dance. So straight after the recital (which ended around 8:15), I ran to the MC, where ballroom workshop started at 8. They were learning viennese waltz. Good times! So I learned the viennese waltz. Or rather, the basic step. My partner was a nice dude, and not a severe beginner, but not a pro either (but neither am I, so it's all good). I wish he was a better leader, and picked up on the steps more quickly, but he was a nice guy. Fun to socialize with. Near the end, the instructor taught us what he called a "gold level" step (really difficult or something), and we learned it in like the last 2o mins of class. As we were dancing, he was giving some instruction, or talking about something, and he said of me, "I've been watching her and she's actually very good!" And in front of all the class, too! I was so flattered!!!!!! Dancing compliments are the best!!!!

Last night, I was only able to go to swing dance for an hour, and I only got asked to dance three times (twice by the same dude-he's a nice guy), but the really good blues dancer guy, the instructor who gave me the compliments, asked me to dance. I had been sitting, exhausted, and resigned to watch the dancers, because only the people who were really good at dancing were being asked. So I was being all tired, and he asked me what was up, and I expounded upon my tiredness. But we danced, and it was fun, because he's all about improvisation and not just vanilla lindyhop. He told me that I had gotten really far, improved a lot, in just one semester. It made me happy. At the end of the dance, another of the really good dancers (who is actually in collegiate dance, I found out this last Saturday) who has danced with me before and said I'm fun to dance with, came up and sat by me, and we chatted a bit. But after the end prayer, I left, and gathered my things. The Blues Guy came over and wished me a better weekend, and then offered me a ride. I was supremely grateful, because I was tired and had loads to do and didn't want to walk home.

Other random things that happened today:
*I was studying in the Romney and some dude walking down the stairs leaned over the railing and said, "Good luck with whatever you're doing. I hope you do well!" And I said thanks. It made me smile.
*My harp teacher is impressed about a song I can play, and that I can do harmonics
*I found a ride to UT for tomorrow!
*I was able to take a short nap in the sun, and get sunburned again.

Good times, all of them. I love dancing. I can't wait for next semester!

On Dancing Pt.2

"Everything" by Michael Buble. Good song. They played it last at the dance tonight.

So, I got three more compliments. I swear they're coordinating or something. I still don't believe them. Methinks what they mean is "you're better than the average person who knows nothing about dancing, and I'm surprised because you look like the average person who knows nothing about dancing."

During the instruction part of the dance, I was dancing with one of the instructors, and another instructor walks by and says, "She's good, isn't she?!" And then he looks at me and says, "You're up and coming!" I didn't know what to say; I was very flattered, and bashful. This instructor that walked by was the one who complimented me last week, and who I consider to be an excellent dancer.

Another guy said I was a good follow.

And the last guy I danced with said, "You're so good!" I've danced with him before, and he's good.

But I still don't fully believe all of them. I need to know who they're comparing me to. Am I good relative to that other girl who is here for the first time, or am I good relative to those who have been dancing for a long time? I wish I knew. Bother.

But yeah. Dancing is good.

I also got sunburned today!! It was fantastic! Sun does exist in Rexburg.

On Dancing

So, I've been told 3 times in the past few weeks, and twice tonight, that I'm a good follow. One of the times was at swing dancing, by a guy who I consider to be a fantastic dancer, and it's a huge compliment to get from him. The good dancers have been asking me more often the more I go, and it's awesome. Also twice tonight, I had people say I was fun to dance with. These are the best compliments I've ever received, and tonight, I just started believing the compliments. I still don't think that I'm that good of a dancer/follower, but I believe that they're telling the truth.

I love dancing. I love dancers. I love compliments. I love Wednesday thru Saturday. I LOVE DANCING!!!!!!