So, life. Good times.
Once upon a time, I only had 14 credits during winter semester. This was an insanely low amount of credits for Chloe, who has not had below 17 credits since Spring 2009. Chloe thinks about life a lot, and the more she thinks, the more she realises she does not know, and the more bothered she becomes about the lack of answers.
A current problem: How to tell Johnson that I'm not in love with him no more, and I don't want to marry him, and all the other things that have been on my mind since the middle of last semester. How do I tell him that it faded quickly? How do I drill it into his head that I'm LOGICAL, and REALISTIC? How do I tell him that we're opposite? How do I tell him that I've always felt like I'm looking out for him? Always protecting him? And when will I find the one who wants to listen to me? I listen to everyone, and have not yet had anyone to whom I could tell my life story. I have yet to find somebody who truly wants to listen, who just wants to know me because they find me interesting, without my having to prompt them. This will be my selfish post. I will listen to anyone who needs to talk, or who wants to talk. I will respond. I won't judge, I won't gossip, because I value trust. But other people do gossip, and judge, and so I don't cast my life before swine. How do I tell him that I didn't get that with him? I can't marry somebody who doesn't have that. I can't marry somebody who I dated for three months. He made it into a movie-type romance story, and that's just bull crap. Life is not like that. Not for me, anyway. I think about things. My love for him quickly faded, and now, frankly, I don't care. I didn't have a strong enough bond. Rash promises. Never, NEVER get involved with preemies. I don't love you. I haven't loved you since the middle of last semester. The promise that I made was made when I was in an emotion, and I overestimated my attachment to you. I could tell that it wasn't going to happen, the logical side of me could tell, because the logical side of me knows the truth, but the emotional side wouldn't listen. I don't want you to love me. I told you to focus. Why did I have to go and be one of those stupid "I'll wait for you" girls? Why did you have to be the only stupid guy who would be more attached than I? Why can't you just unexist? Why can't I just find someone to be my best friend, a forever kind of best friend?
New tangent: You know when you come to that realisation when you're like: Aww, man...I'm not good enough. And even if I try, I still won't be good enough. And so you try anyway, because there's still that hope?
Thoughts: I found out that I love snowboarding. I also found out that I love ultimate frisbee (provided that it's friendly competition). I love learning and school, but there has been a dreadful unbalance between school and social life; so much so that the scales are tipping to the extreme now. I like getting out of my box in the short-term, because it leads to some diversity in my otherwise monotonous life, but leaving the box is stepping into the unknown, where there is a high probability of unhappy emotions, which includes disappointment. I don't like when expected results become true results. I don't like having answers. I don't like things being out of my control. I do like control. That makes so much sense. I like answers. With answers, I understand, and when I understand, there is less unknown, and with less unknown, there is more control. And that just makes a whole bunch of other stuff make so much more sense...I didn't think I was like that, but I am. Man....that means I'm boring. Which goes back to New Tangent.
Someday...I hope....I will be able to talk my thoughts, instead of typing them. Type can only convey emotion to an extent, and it does a terrible job. If nonverbal communication is already hard to interpret, then type is especially hard to interpret.
I think my head's been messed with a lot this semester. And I am impatient. Severely impatient. Give me answers.
Who reads this, anyway? The pointless babbles of a not-of-age girl.
My thoughts end where the questions begin.
