Life or Lifelike

Esoteric comments don't get anyone anywhere. Just so you know. Literal interpretations are my specialty, and I always take the most negative meaning possible, so that there is no hope to be ruined.

So I got another letter today. Not good times. I haven't read it yet. I feel like it will just make today an even worse day.

Can't everything just be clear? Can't it all just be made known? Why must everything be so vague, so unpredictable, so frustratingly hidden?

Life.

Conflicts

So, stake conference. It was good. Our stake president is President Henry J Eyring, and he's a good speaker. We also had a member from the 2nd quorum of the 70 come and speak: an Elder Walker. He was fantastic. I learned much that I realised I need to know, from all speakers. Someday, when my life has passed me by, I'll lay around and wonder why I am known. It's so indescribably fantastic to know that Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me. I need to have more faith. I really need more faith.

Once upon a time, my roommate is somebody for whom I have immense respect, and she has been my favorite person that I've met (besides Beth...) since being at college. She is the most selfless, most kind, most considerate, super-funny person that I've ever met, and she's beautiful besides. She's sweet, loves the gospel, keeps the rules, doesn't do anything bad. Loves the spirit. Always gets something out of church meetings. She's smart. She's amazing. It makes me very sad that she won't be here next semester. She will always be an example to me, and I hope that she will always be my friend. Her name is Erika Z. I love this girl, and I really really really really really really really really want her to be happy, and I really want her life to work out in a happy manner. She deserves everything good. She cares so much about people. She thinks about everyone but herself. She's just....awesome.

Someday, in the eyes of a passerby, I'll look around for another try, and fade away. (Someday by Sugar Ray)

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. I was super-stressing about it today. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the security of a husband, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. If I had not decided to stay for Fall semester, I would probably be at the MTC by the end of this year. But now, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. I don't know. Nobody said this was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. And I still have to write Elder J. Or write him off, rather. Ha. Ha.

Oh, the self-interested individual that is Chloe Lammi.

I learned that I value people's trust. I very highly value people's trust. I also know how to trust people, and I know how people trust me.

Tomorrow, I have to go visiting teaching.

I'm watching my friend's guinea pigs for half a week while she and her husband go out of town. I'll have to walk quite a ways to get to her house to feed the darn things. But since I am able, I will do it. I can just do homework while I'm there. Maybe spend a night there. That would be sweet. She also said I can eat their food while they're gone...free food. Huge motivator for me. Food is good. Free is better. Free food is best.

I love family. I miss my family. And today, I told myself a secret: I want to have a family. At least, some deep-down part of me does. Some deep-down part of me wants to get married and have children. Fortunately, it's DEEP down. So I can ignore it, except for those very rare situations where it cuts through and sort of stabs my heart a little, and then it hurts me to think that I'm nowhere near marriage. But that's not often, so it's okay.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to play. I'm tired. I sleep-deprive myself. Not good times. I need to go grocery shopping.

Oh, life. Oh, gospel.

Please, lead me to where I need to be, or at least let me know I'm going the right way.

Squeamish?

Holy long time, no post!

So, life. Good times.

Once upon a time, I only had 14 credits during winter semester. This was an insanely low amount of credits for Chloe, who has not had below 17 credits since Spring 2009. Chloe thinks about life a lot, and the more she thinks, the more she realises she does not know, and the more bothered she becomes about the lack of answers.

A current problem: How to tell Johnson that I'm not in love with him no more, and I don't want to marry him, and all the other things that have been on my mind since the middle of last semester. How do I tell him that it faded quickly? How do I drill it into his head that I'm LOGICAL, and REALISTIC? How do I tell him that we're opposite? How do I tell him that I've always felt like I'm looking out for him? Always protecting him? And when will I find the one who wants to listen to me? I listen to everyone, and have not yet had anyone to whom I could tell my life story. I have yet to find somebody who truly wants to listen, who just wants to know me because they find me interesting, without my having to prompt them. This will be my selfish post. I will listen to anyone who needs to talk, or who wants to talk. I will respond. I won't judge, I won't gossip, because I value trust. But other people do gossip, and judge, and so I don't cast my life before swine. How do I tell him that I didn't get that with him? I can't marry somebody who doesn't have that. I can't marry somebody who I dated for three months. He made it into a movie-type romance story, and that's just bull crap. Life is not like that. Not for me, anyway. I think about things. My love for him quickly faded, and now, frankly, I don't care. I didn't have a strong enough bond. Rash promises. Never, NEVER get involved with preemies. I don't love you. I haven't loved you since the middle of last semester. The promise that I made was made when I was in an emotion, and I overestimated my attachment to you. I could tell that it wasn't going to happen, the logical side of me could tell, because the logical side of me knows the truth, but the emotional side wouldn't listen. I don't want you to love me. I told you to focus. Why did I have to go and be one of those stupid "I'll wait for you" girls? Why did you have to be the only stupid guy who would be more attached than I? Why can't you just unexist? Why can't I just find someone to be my best friend, a forever kind of best friend?

New tangent: You know when you come to that realisation when you're like: Aww, man...I'm not good enough. And even if I try, I still won't be good enough. And so you try anyway, because there's still that hope?

Thoughts: I found out that I love snowboarding. I also found out that I love ultimate frisbee (provided that it's friendly competition). I love learning and school, but there has been a dreadful unbalance between school and social life; so much so that the scales are tipping to the extreme now. I like getting out of my box in the short-term, because it leads to some diversity in my otherwise monotonous life, but leaving the box is stepping into the unknown, where there is a high probability of unhappy emotions, which includes disappointment. I don't like when expected results become true results. I don't like having answers. I don't like things being out of my control. I do like control. That makes so much sense. I like answers. With answers, I understand, and when I understand, there is less unknown, and with less unknown, there is more control. And that just makes a whole bunch of other stuff make so much more sense...I didn't think I was like that, but I am. Man....that means I'm boring. Which goes back to New Tangent.

Someday...I hope....I will be able to talk my thoughts, instead of typing them. Type can only convey emotion to an extent, and it does a terrible job. If nonverbal communication is already hard to interpret, then type is especially hard to interpret.

I think my head's been messed with a lot this semester. And I am impatient. Severely impatient. Give me answers.

Who reads this, anyway? The pointless babbles of a not-of-age girl.

My thoughts end where the questions begin.