Sympathy versus Duty

My sympathies lie with myself, but my morality tells me to step away; and not only that, but to be an active participant in their unition. I am able to reign in my sympathies, and control my chariot. And though my sympathies conflict with my morality, I am bound by duty--though it does cause pain. Or perhaps these sympathies are only selfishness, and it conflicts with my duty because my duty is what's moral, and selfishness is immoral. Though I feel a masochist at times, encouraging the courtship while screaming against it on the inside, but almost enjoying the feeling of being a martyr, and a secret martyr at that. And I do wonder: will I ever play the part of the one who is to be courted? I feel as though this is a role for everyone but me: I am not even onstage--I am the curtain-puller, the provider of refreshments, the insignificant peon. I do play a part, I do help, but I am given the most menial of tasks. I've given up trying. I don't know how to try anyways. I only know how to be myself--which, supposedly, is what everybody likes, though I have not seen any fruits come of it. I've been told that I am a good catch, that I am somebody who people would want, yet where is the evidence of this? I have yet to see who it is that wants me. Who wants me? I have given up any practical hope of finding a boy who I want, who will want me back. I have given up any practical hope of a boy finding me who wants me, who I will want back. Of course, there is the residue of hope, which I pull back with my logic. Or with my morality. For logic and morality are very much related. It is hope which hurts. Hope from which nothing will come. Hope which leads to disappointment, disappointment being the worst pain of all. It's a sharp, acute pain at first, and stays a chronic, dull, throbbing ache. It is fear of disappointment, and a knowledge of the high likelihood of such, which prevents me from ever going for anything that depends on anybody else. I prefer to remain in the realm of myself, my box, in which realm I can only be harmed by myself. It is a narrow box to be sure, but it is one which I control. It is one where I decide how I will feel, how I will act, and nothing is dependent on others. This brings pain, but it is a pain that I cause, and that I control. For I would rather have pain which I can control, than a happiness which I cannot. And they say that happiness is not dependent on others, but only on one's own self. It is true that there is a particular sort of happiness which depends only on one's own self, but this is not the highest happiness attainable. The happiness which depends only on one's own self is a lesser happiness. True happiness, happiness in its highest sense, does depend on others, as do all things when they are fulfilled in their highest measure. And as true happiness in its highest sense depends on others, so also does true misery in its highest sense depend on others. The highs are in proportion to the lows, and for higher levels of happiness, there are higher levels of misery. So I will stay on my lower level of misery, and likewise experience lower levels of happiness. But at least I can control it all.