Equilibrium

Sometimes, I really really really dislike the appropriate path.

Always, I really really really really really really really hate disappointment. But at least less hope is invested each time, so the disappointment is less. Even still, this is why I am the one who is risk averse, who takes no chances, who stays inside her box, who does nothing out of her nature.

Though, I did ask for it, I suppose. Ask for a sign, you'll receive one. But beware the value of the sign--often it is negative when you expect it to be positive. (Side note--don't make expectations. They will be broken.)

Again, school is life; it has always been that way, and will always be that way, and nothing will ever change, and I will never change. There's no point.

And thus, life goes from boom to bust, and I'll soon be back to the equilibrium. The average, the ordinary, the everyday.

The End.

No, but seriously. I'm frustrated. This is one of those, "Fine, I'll just wait 'til next semester, run away to different living quarters to escape the scene, then be a nobody again until the next disruption" situations. I hate that I have to wait to run, but I like that I do have the option. I'll run from hardships--indirectly running from hope--(The disutility of disappointment trumps the utility of hope--hope is uncertain, but disappointment is sure) and build up my exoskeleton for those rainy days, those sandstorm days, when the grains corrode your feelings and gouge individually imperceptible but accumulating ruts in your skin. Make it tougher, so it takes longer for the cuts to hurt (though they always hurt) and make it thicker, so it takes more sand to make a cut.

It seems the disruptions come right when life is starting to go well. When I'm becoming a somebody. There ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good.

This would be over-dramatic if I were describing a single circumstance. But this is not a single circumstance. These are sandstorm days, not an instance, and grains accumulating ruts in my skin, over time. And if emotions could only be discarded, I would not have to become irrationally attached to people who will never reciprocate in the long run. I still hold that emotions are more useless than they are useful, and so I will always revert to logic and reason (though even logic and reason in this life are affected by emotions).

I've always been the second-best, the fall-back, in every aspect. Good times (she says cynically).



Wow, talk about discarding emotions--pity party supreme. But it results in some cool prose, in my opinion. I use some sweet phraseage.

You know, it doesn't really matter. I just decided this. Though I still agree with every post where I've complained about life and how unfair it is. I always will. It will always be true. It's my equilibrium.