On Frustration

I don't send signals. I don't recognize signals. As a result, I will never be married, unless a boy decides to be supremely persistant. This doesn't happen. Therefore, I will never be married. And this makes me frustrated.

But today was good. Church, in which my two roommates and I decided to go to another ward for 2nd hour, and we just happened to go to mission prep, and we got to teach about Joseph Smith's vision. It was awesome. Then home, and I made caramel corn for a potluck. Then I skyped my family. I miss them. Then I went to the Kirkham and played piano, and made variations on hymns. It was fun. Then, visiting teaching, which was good, then to the park. I listened to a bunch of strings (even a bass!!) play hymns, and VERY VERY well did they play. They played variations too, and put stylings, and basically improvised. It was awesome!!!!!!! I finished a painting for class while they did that. There was also this little girl, and she was shy, so I let her paint on some paper. Her mom was happy about that. After the strings were done, I went to the echo room, played guitar for the hymns that I had chorded, and even sang. In public. And I think I could have a really good voice if I would take lessons (and I don't compliment myself lightly). But I'm not a soprano. Then I watched the clouds, and waited for mi amiga to pick me up. THE CLOUDS WERE AMAZING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful. Then we went up to the temple and watched the sunset. The clouds were amazing. Then we went to my house, and I observed her flirt, and realized that I'll never be good at it. Then we got free dinner from her neighbor, and played Speed and Nertz. Then we went to her house and talked for an hour. Then I went home, and now I've decided that I'm frustrated that I never have even a hope for any of my crushes, so I don't even try, because my brain tells me that yes, I deserve someone awesome, but whenever I see someone awesome, I feel like they're too awesome to notice me, so I don't even try. MASSIVE GRARRRL OF FRUSTRATOINNNSLKNONWOIENOINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a strange, self-defeating loop. I'll never be married. I'll never date. I'll never be in another relationship. I've only been in 2 relationships, and the first occured because I pursued it hardcore (when I was still naive) and the second because it was arranged. As in, we pretended to date at first to get a stalker off his back. I really am lame. I've never had a real relationship. In my entire life. That's pathetic. If that's the case, then does that not show that I'm not as awesome as everyone and myself say I am? But my brain rejects this. Why can I just not understand how to send and receive signals?!?!! Such a simple concept, and my intelligent brain cannot grasp it. Whatever.

So, my frustration is leading me to stay up late, and do homework, and listen to non-sunday music, even though it's technically not sunday anymore. I think this mood will last until tomorrow.

In other news, I had a dream that I was somehow married to that guy who likes me, and I was very very unhappy about it, but I knew that I shouldn't get a divorce. I was also drunk at one point. It wasn't a happy dream, but interesting nonetheless. I have never had a dream that I haven't enjoyed.

I am frustrated. I hate boys. I hate the game. We're playing with limited information. That always leads to a sub-optimal solution.

The End.