On Dancing

So, I've been told 3 times in the past few weeks, and twice tonight, that I'm a good follow. One of the times was at swing dancing, by a guy who I consider to be a fantastic dancer, and it's a huge compliment to get from him. The good dancers have been asking me more often the more I go, and it's awesome. Also twice tonight, I had people say I was fun to dance with. These are the best compliments I've ever received, and tonight, I just started believing the compliments. I still don't think that I'm that good of a dancer/follower, but I believe that they're telling the truth.

I love dancing. I love dancers. I love compliments. I love Wednesday thru Saturday. I LOVE DANCING!!!!!!

Good Friday Indeed

How does Sister do it? How does she balance flirting and flying? I want to be able to control boys, and have them wrapped around my finger, but also to have them know that I'm not theirs, that I'm out of their league. Perhaps I'm too nice. Or something. Gay.

I've been having such vivid dreams. The first in the line of 3 that I remember was about arranged marriage, where I was supposed to marry someone for some reason, and I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, but it seemed logical, so I was going to do it. Then we found out that the guy was supposed to be married to someone else, and it was a mistake with me, but luckily we weren't married yet because I didn't have a ring.

The next was about me, and I had migranes that made me think I was in an alternate reality instead of causing pain, and in this alternate reality I imagined that I had other powers. It wasn't really dangerous, but my friends and the doctors wanted me to get an operation to fix it. Brain surgery. But they couldn't perform it for some reason, so I had to wait, and continue, and either take the intense pain of the migranes, or do the alternate reality.

The third was that I was held hostage by a black man, and it had to end with either he or I dying. I escaped one day, and hid in a girl's apartment, and she gave me a large chocolate chip cookie. Then I knew I had to return to the black man's apartment and rescue my sister, because I knew that even though he wouldn't hurt her, she wouldn't escape on her own.

Weird dreams. Vivid dreams. They're interesting. I wonder if they are interpretable, or if they're just my mind having fun.

I worked out today. Rowing machine. Abs. It's a beautiful feeling to have your abs burn. Also, I danced tonight. Many songs. I dressed up and looked dang cute. I gained confidence. I asked a couple of guys.

The guy who asked me out on a date does have an interest, and I'm trying to not encourage it, but I want to get dance lessons from him. He really is a good dancer. I just need to somehow make it clear that I'm really not interested, I just like dancing with him. It'll be sad next semester when I don't have a steady dance partner that I know, but perhaps I'll be good enough by next semester that all the really good people will ask me to dance, and it'll still be super fun. Good times. I'm determined to become good at dance now. It's my new project.

Also: I tutor a guy on Saturdays who is SUPERDANGCUTE and I want him to ask me out. Though he would have to get a different tutor, because you're not supposed to date your tutees. I get to tutor him tomorrow. Ahh, cuteness. It's good times.

Today was a good day. I absolutely love dancing, now that I somewhat know what I'm doing.

Suggested Invention: Sleep Pills

Marginal productivity decreases significantly when the clock hits about 1 am. Then it continues falling rapidly until about 4 am, and marginal productivity begins to increase.

I'd better finish my homework. I still have to shower. My room's a mess because I have no time to clean it up.

I long for the weekend, but once it comes, a new week and a "do it all again" is closer. But so is the end of the semester. And on to my last semester! It doesn't feel like I should be done yet. Oh well.

I have an interest in a guy. But he likes my friend, so there is no point. He's a decisive sort of guy. Oh well. He likes music that I don't like, so we'd never get along.

I have blisters from playing harp. It makes me feel so hardcore. But it also makes me feel like a rookie, since it means that I don't play enough for me to have blisters.

See? Productivity is WAY down. Time to get on it.

Playlist: Deep Love live recording.

More of the same.

I am frustrated. Again. I find I have an interest in a guy, and guy likes girl who gets all the guys. I don't understand how this girl could be attractive to guys (looks and personality), and this time, I'm not deceiving myself, or exaggerating the truth. I really DON'T know how she is attractive to guys. And yet, she gets them.

My sphere is an obnoxious one, where nothing that enters and is what I want stays for very long. It will always be this way. I won't get what I want.

In other news, I'm tired. And I'm sick of complaining of the same thing over and over. I just wish it would change for longer than a couple weeks, or a month, or a semester.

But I have made a decision: I'm aiming for medical school. That's my career plan. The end.

RE: My inability to find a mate

Why'd I have to be an overachieving idiot and take many credits and work many hours in the best season of Rexburg, my last time in this season? I just want to play. I just want to have fun. And I can't. I'm an idiot. I could work less. But I don't know my budget.

You know what? I just want to be married. Then I won't feel like I need fun all the time, because I'll have my best friend with whom I can just sit down and pop in a movie and be perfectly happy.

Please. Please? I just sit inside my head and watch the daylight slip away.

Give me a break. I need a break.

I must be one of the weaker in the species, and so nobody wants to mate with me. My bloodline will die off. Boo.

Playlist:

Come On Feel the Illinoise! CD by Sufjan Stevens

Expression of frustration at everything being out of order and confused

Life will never become easier, and I want to stop trying, but I know that even if I say I will, I won't, so though there is no point in trying, there is no point in trying not to try. Going against the flow never worked, and going with the flow only seems to confuse me more and make things worse. So I'll go with the flow, because it's easier.

And I have a wicked cough that's tearing up my throat.


Playlist:

Wrong Idea by Chris Thile
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

Self-Analysis

Man, I truly am a self-interested individual, and I'm severely conscious of it. I do the mental calculations not subconsciously. Is it bad to be self-interested? Or am I just feeling bad because I am conscious of it? Of every decision that I make, I can name for you the lists on cost-benefit analysis, and who benefits and why they do. Man, I could be an awesome manipulator if I didn't have such a conscious.

Also, it was on Friday, I think, that I suddenly had the thought: "I am happy with who I am. I am glad to be me." And I felt it wholly and completely. I'm glad I'm me.

I miss my family. I find myself disliking Rexburg more and more, since I have only two of my cousins here. Not nearly enough family.

Now, time to go make the most of today, in my extreme exhaustion :)