A Perfect Shade of Dark Blue

Thought

2012-02-14T08:03:00.001-08:00

Nobody can prove that the Book of Mormon is true. There is no solid evidence, nothing to show that it is real. It cannot be logically explained (in terms of the world's logic). In order to know that the Book of Mormon is true, one must read it. Read it, with a desire to know whether it is true. Read it with an open heart. Read it with a willingness to accept it if it is true. And then you must pray to know whether the Book of Mormon is what it has been claimed to be. Given that Heavenly Father answers all prayers, this prayer will be answered. And it is nothing but the witness of the Spirit that will tell you to your heart and soul whether the Book of Mormon is true, whether Joseph Smith was a prophet, whether the LDS church is indeed the true church of Jesus Christ. Missionaries cannot prove it. Higher authorities in the church cannot prove it. It must be learned for one's self.

Dreams v Reality

2012-01-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

Right now, dreams are winning. They're so much more flexible, exciting, and imaginitive than real life. And they still have rules, which is cool too. Cada mañana I find myself pressing the "Sleep" button because my dream isn't finished. In dreams, you can have massive, neverending adventures. Fantasy creatures exist. People who you like can like you back. You can have massive, neverending adventures. You can have abilities that you are unable to have in real life. It just seems like a better deal, to live in a dream. And if I didn't know better, and if it was possible, I would enter the experience machine, where you really could live in a dream and do what you want and have what you want.

I mean, who goes to non-BYU YSA wards anyway?

2012-01-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

Not me. I decided I like my family more, and also that I don't have time for friendship. My days are institute and homework. I thought having only 2 classes would be easy. I was WRONG. But it's cool. I'll get into the hang of doing homework all day.

I like being at home. Just by living here and being around family boosts the relationship somehow.

It snowed today. It's not going to last. But it will in the mountains, ensuring that I won't get to attempt The Long Hike anytime soon. But I do so love when the clouds disappear the mountains.

I'm going to rid myself of my M/W institute class to give myself more time for homework. Maybe.

Dad made homemade doughnuts tonight after dinner. They were fried and sugary, and that's all that matters.

A Recent Happpening

2012-01-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

A boy talked to me this morning. It was kind of funny. I came to the institute early to do some homework, because some cuss-word cuss-words are siphoning our internet somehow. I was looking for a plug near a table or a chair, because Defunct Dell cannot survive for longer than 3 minutes unless it is constantly sucking at an energy source. Alas, the only plug that was near a table also came with a boy who was doing homework on his computer. As technology has not yet advanced to the point where one can know the intentions of another by just looking at them, nor does the social code allow for a blatant statement of one's intentions, I had to just keep in my mind that I knew that the only thing I wanted was to do my homework, not husband-hunt. It went well for about thirty minutes, until he had to plug his computer in. This also required (being serious here) that he sit directly across from me. Annoyance. But I read his intentions as "also just doing homework". Still, about ten minutes later he was silently hemming and hawing, looking around, up, down, and I, curious to see whether he would actually speak to me, refused to initiate the conversation. Eventually, he did. A few sentences were exchanged, and then I got back to work, though I knew I could have continued the conversation. Again, I was curious to see whether he would pick up the conversation later, or leave it at that. I was surprised when he, while packing up, again attempted some words. I was pleased with his performance and conversed with him. The conversation was light and friendly, without awkwardness, and shortened when I mentioned that I was going on a mission. It was an interesting experience, being the first time a boy initiated a conversation with me when I was plainly hunched in my work. I wonder what variable caused a conversation to be had in this situation as opposed to other similar situations. I can say one thing, though: being engrossed in one's work is apparently not an absolute deterrent in a boy's determining whether he will begin a conversation, as I have hitherto been led to believe.

In other news:
I still don't have my call. If it doesn't come this week or the next, I'm contacting my stake president.
I attended a YSA ward this past sunday in the hopes of obtaining some friendships for the purpose of performing out-of-the-house activities with people. I will continue to attend.
I've rediscovered my love for video games, to my fortune and misfortune. It gives me something to do, but it's not a productive something to do.
I'm taking four institute classes, one being a mission prep class. It's the best religion class I've ever had.
My dreams of late have been vivid, and memorable. They're the kinds of dreams that cause me to be affected for the remainder of the day, with some dreams having a larger impact than others.
I am glad to be going on a mission, but if I had a choice, I think I'd rather be married. But I can tell that I won't be married until after.
If you've never read The Time Machine by H.G. Wells, do so. It's a wonderful short story.
If any of the few who read this blog know of any good fantasy-adventure books, or any books which feature a charming, male, loveable-rouge type character as the protagonist, let me know. These are my favorite kinds of books, and my favorite kinds of characters.

A Relaxational Saturday

2011-11-19T20:11:00.001-08:00

Meh...I'm ready for Thanksgiving break. It should be Tuesday.

So I'm trying to prepare a lesson that I'm supposed to be teaching tomorrow, on the Millennium. I can't tell what I'm supposed to be teaching about, or how it's supposed to go. Then again, I am tired, and so my mind isn't very clear. I'm going to get up tomorrow at 8 (church is at 9:30) and try again.

My roommate has been skyping her boyfriend nearly all day. It seems very odd to me. I don't think this is normal.

I made flan yesterday. The recipe I used made it WAAAY too sweet. In the past three days I've also made fried rice, curry, and this mushroom-eggplant-bamboo shoot sautee thing. The mushroom thing was the most delicious and the easiest to prepare.

I still don't have an internship for next semester. I am bothered by this.

I just want to hurry up and get my license so I can input the information for my papers so I can submit them so I can get my call so I can count down until I go on my mission. If it weren't for my license holding me up, I would have had my papers in like 3 or 4 weeks ago. Annoyance!

I feel as though I will never get married. But it's okay, because I have a life plan now.

I really really really want it to be next week. I'm excited to see my family again, and hang out with Aurora, who just broke up with her boyfriend and so now she'll be hanging out with just the family and not him, like the last 2 times I've seen her. I'm also excited to see the mountains. I miss the mountains.

Today felt like a semi-productive day, and an awesome day. My body woke me up at around 8, which was offensive-I stayed up until almost 2 last night. So I stubbornly stayed in bed until 9, then woke up, felt motivated, and found some exercise videos on youtube and "exercised" for about an hour. It wasn't very strenuous, but it was something, at least. Then I had a small pre-breakfast so my stomach wouldn't eat itself, then I showered, then I had a real breakfast. I cleaned my room, went with my roommate to the store, did a bit of homework, and read a book. Then two of my roommates and I went to Wingers (and I have leftovers! I love leftovers), and then I went to a voice lesson that my friend is doing with me this semester for her voice pedagogy class. After that, I came home and read a book, then took a nap, then tried to prepare my lesson and it didn't work.

So the best part about today was that I had only one prior engagement (the voice lesson), and aside from that, I got to choose to do whatever the heck I wanted. I even got to lounge around. This was the perfect weekend for such a thing, because I have almost nothing that I need to be doing, homeworkwise. It's been lovely.

But I still wish it was Tuesday. I want to go home.

Today

2011-11-14T19:36:00.001-08:00

I'm expanding my horizons by listening to music on musicindiaonline.com. They even have several genres available for listening to. Sweetness. I love the scale they use. It sounds so cool.

I talked to a counsellor person about internships. They gave me a resource. I have to contact people now. I also have to study for a biology test tomorrow.

I love chicken and rice. It's my dinner staple.

Jazz dance test was today. I lost the count right at the end, so I messed up. Bother.

I wish I had some deep thoughts right now, but I'm listening to music.

Regarding Internships

2011-11-13T20:37:00.001-08:00

So, I'm looking for internships. It turns out that I have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't know where to go to look for them. If I can't find an internship before next semester, then I'll have to defer for a semester, go on a mission, and still have a lousy stinking worthless internship to get through. The worst part is that I'm not even going in to economics. I have my life plan, and it does not require a stupid internship. Stupid. And whatever you do for your internship "has to be directly related to your major". Bah. Pee on them. I'm frustrated.

They don't even help you find a major. See, if I were a home ec major, it wouldn't be so bad. For their internship, they can work anywhere: payless, albertsons, on campus. Then they do student teaching, and the school helps them there. Accounting, business, all the useful majors, it's also not hard. But I feel economics majors get shafted. About the only internship we can do is a "junior data analyst" internship. Blah.

I'm stressed. I just want to get an internship, finish my papers (which means I have to renew my license, which means I have to wait until Thanksgiving break), and graduate and go on a mission, then begin my life. Poo.

If anyone knows anyone who needs an economics intern for January-April 2012, let me know!!

Things

2011-11-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm going on a mission. My papers are almost done, I just need to renew my license and then input that information. They should be in during Thanksgiving break. Good times.

I need an internship next semester. I didn't get the one I wanted in Rexburg (which also happened to be the only place I applied), so I'm looking for something in Ogden or Salt Lake City.

Ballroom nights and my social dance classes aren't as fun as they used to be. I'm not a social dancer. I want to dance to become better at it. I do dance for fun, but I want to look good while doing it. I want to have all the proper technique. I want to know the steps. I want to be excellent.

I decided that biology is my calling in life. Not barfy economics. Gah.

I'm excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas break. I wish it were now. I'm not excited for this weekend.

I'm not ready to be done with school, but I think I'm ready to be done with this school. I do love it, and I have all my friends here, but I'm a moving-on sort of person. I don't like to stay in one place for too long.

It's too early in the day for it to be this dark. CURSE YOOOOU WINTEERRRR!

On Goals and The Perfect Man

2011-09-16T23:29:00.001-07:00

I WILL become an excellent dancer, even if for it I must sell my soul!!!! In lindy hop, in blues, in ballroom, I will be excellent. I WISH I had a dance partner so that I could practise all the time, and learn new moves, and have someone to work with for competitions!!

If I could make the perfect guy, I would give him a strong testimony. Then I would make him LDS. He would have any color eyes, any color hair. He would be at least a few inches taller than me. He would be a natural leader in dance, and our styles would match...but not too much, so that I could expand his style and he mine. He would have good musicality. He would be kind to everyone, and friendly, and he would make everyone feel special. He would read his scriptures daily, and would be willing to discuss the things that he read with me. He would absolutely love to dance--this would be one of his greatest passions in life. His other greatest passion would be the gospel, so that he could help me along. He would pray often. He would love the outdoors: hiking, biking, fishing, climbing, canoeing, rafting, exploring, and all manner of outdoor activities. He would have served a complete mission, and would tell me stories about it. He would be intelligent, so that I'd have someone to talk to who would understand my topics. He would be handsome, or cute, or attractive. He would be happy, positive, laid-back, optimistic, but also realistic. He would be able to express himself through dance. He would be open about things he didn't think were good for me, or things that he think I should improve upon for my own sake, and he would say these things with a loving intent. He would be better with showing and understanding feelings than I am, so that he'd be better with kids. He would think about others, and remember them, to make up where I lack. He would want to listen to me play piano. He would ask me what I was thinking. He would listen to me. He would dance with me. He would teach me dance, and would be patient about teaching me.

Unfortunately, the perfect guy doesn't exist. And even if he did, he wouldn't want me. I don't have much to offer in return, especially if he had dance skills. But hey, I can dream, can't I? In fact, I'm going to go do just that.

School's Starting Tomorrow...

2011-09-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

How is it that we cannot stop hoping that the people who we like, who do not like us back, will like us, even when we know logically that there is no chance of reciprocation? Why do we still try? Is it emotions again? I know, logically, that there are people who will never like me back, yet I still have a hope that they will. I wish I could become a Vulcan.

Also, I looked at my current debt. Knowing the amount makes it less scary. Now, I just need to find a job that's close enough to my parent's house so that I can save on expenses, and pay off my loans as quickly as possible. Then I'll save for a car, and once I have a car, I'll save so that I can start life on my own, perhaps down in Provo, because there's dancing there.

Now that school's starting tomorrow, I'm anxious, in both a good way and a bad way. Good, because it's learning, and it'll give me something to do, and with the beginning of school comes the beginning of school dances; Bad, because it means that graduation is nearer, and because it means I have to call for an interview for an internship soon, and because I've been on break and so I have to get back into the habit again.

I'm also anxious that I won't be able to get into the O-Chem class that I want, and so I'll be less 3 credits that I'll need to fill with something, and I don't really have a backup plan in mind.

Also, for the past 2 nights I've had chase dreams, the type where the pursuers are only minutes behind, and where you escape by only a hair. Two nights ago, I dreamt that a psycho hick guy, age 24-26, was chasing me and my sister with a razorblade. He was relentless, and managed to cut me many times before I stabbed his eyes out. He always had a semi-blank, almost calm, leering expression on his face, and once I stabbed out his eyes, he put away his razors and left. It was only a simulation from this haunted house thing that my family went to, but it felt very real.

Back in Rexburg

2011-09-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

I miss Utah. I miss my family. I miss the mountains. I miss hiking. I miss dancing in Provo.

And yet, graduation means that I lose all my friends, and all that is familiar. I lose the opportunity to take more classes, and I lose the hope of finding a husband. I lose the privilage of deciding what to do with my life. I have to decide now, and I don't know what to do. It changes weekly, even daily. I have no direction, and thus, no purpose. I don't know what I'm working towards. I just know that I now have debt hanging over me, and I have to find a job so that I can pay it all off. But I don't even know what jobs are available to me with my limited experience and unattractive resume. I don't even know how to look for a job. I don't know what to do. It's overwhelming. It's daunting. It's bothersome. If I didn't have debt, I would live at home for a while, going dancing every week, and decide what to do. I shouldn't have to know what I want to do with my life when I'm this young. And aren't I supposed to be married and having kids or some nonsense like that, anyway?

I'm stressed. Severely stressed. I need a good dance. Unfortunately, there are no good dances in Rexburg. Just the school dances, with the same crappy DJ who plays the same crappy music, and everyone does the same basic moves, and too few follow the music, and too few are good leads.

I wouldn't be so stressed if I knew I had a job after college. But I don't even know where to start. I hate it. And I can't just work minimum wage; that's not enough to sustain me. I feel like my degree will go to waste, and I'll end up working at an unsatisfactory job that pays much less than I need, forcing me to live at home and having no freedom.

I'm stressed, and sick of waiting for school to start. One and a half more days of doing nothing, and then it begins. But it's always a slow beginning.

Home...

2011-08-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

I remember now why I hate Michigan: there's absolutely NOTHING TO DO HERE!!!!

I want to dance. I really want to dance. The nearest swing dance place is THREE HOURS AWAY in stinking Ann Arbor. Muskegon contains nothing but zillions of trees. I hate it.

We're driving out next Monday. Just one more week to endure.

It wouldn't be so bad if even one person in the family would take time to dance with me. But everyone's being stupid and they don't even want to learn the nightclub two-step. So I have bouts of helping to pack (whenever mom directs me) and doing nothing (whenever mom is not directing me. All packing must be done under her direction). All the books are packed, so I can't even read. Gay. And I absolutely refuse to watch TV, and I don't want to watch movies unless it's night time.

I had a dream last night about dancing. Except when I went to the dance, it turned out to be just a pool party and I didn't even get to dance. It was so disappointing. But at least there's a hope of a dance in my dreams, whereas in real life, there's nothing there until Thursday of next week. AAAHHH!!!

I don't know what I'm gonna do after college. It's been only two weeks since the busiest semester of my life, and I'm already recuperated. What the heck am I supposed to do when I graduate? Get a stinking job? I'll have no friends. I don't think there's dancing every night. I'm not married. I'll have no purpose in life. That's unhappy. College (i.e., learning) and dancing are my reasons to live. I'll still have dance, but that only gives me half of a reason to live. I want to be an eternal student. I must go on for a master's. But the question after that is: a master's in what? What the heck am I gonna do for the rest of my life? I hate deciding this. I shouldn't have to decide this at twenty years old. I'm frustrated.

Today

2011-07-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

Things I hate:

-Sucky managers
-Assaults against my integrity
-Pansies
-Complainers
-A "My opinion is always right!" attitude
-Going against the convention for the sake of going against the convention...and then being vocal about it
-Wet pants
-Frozen butt
-Lack of bed
-White Glove and a biased manager to check the white glove
-Poor sports
-Making a mountain out of a molehill
-Packing
-Moving
-Girls who agree with a guy solely because they like the guy

On Obsession

2011-07-17T03:32:00.001-07:00

I went to bed thinking about dancing, and woke up to dreaming about dancing. It was one of those slow wake-ups, where you gradually realize that the dream is not reality, and it fades further away, until you are at a functional and logical point of consciousness. As the dream faded out, reality faded in, and reality was that I was hungry, and that my toe hurt. My mind is wonderfully one-track when I wake up tired, so I went downstairs and took care of my toe first. It had gotten a cut yesterday, and I could feel that it was getting infected, so I washed it with soap, and then squeezed out the infected pus junk. I marvelled at how fast an infection can occur. Then I looked to see if anyone had hydrogen peroxide, or some sort of alcohol, but nobody did, so I used nailpolish remover instead. I poured it on, dried it, then used a q-tip and swabbed the cut. Then I went to the kitchen to find food. Hey look. Eggs. So now I'm making eggs.

Wasn't that fun?

I am sore amazed, because waking up hungry definitely means that I don't eat enough. I forget to eat whenever I go dancing. Thus, I truly have found my one passion: when you love something enough that you forget to eat, then it must be something that you love deeply. O! to have found my passion earlier! But at least I've found it. I'm going to try to get an internship up here for the winter so that I can have 2 more semesters up here, and I'll be able to take more dance classes and continue to go to ballroom and swing nights and workshops. By that time I hope to have gotten good enough to take off the training wheels.

So, yeah. I shall now be sleep-deprived because I was hungry because I forgot to eat because I was dancing. Time to prepare my sunday school lesson, I suppose.

The end.

On Swing Dancing

2011-07-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

I LOVE SWING DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ballroom workshop was tonight. It was open dance. The whole time, I was just wanting to swing dance. Part way into the dance, someone who goes to swing, who is really good, who I've danced with before, appeared at the doorway as a swing song came on, and we danced superfast. I felt bad, because I'm nowhere near as good as him, but I wanted to swing, dang it. It was SO fun!!! I got to swing with him twice. Ah yeah!

I'm also gonna be a manager-or-something for ballroom workshop next semester. Look at me, all getting involved and stuff.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I'm listening to jazz. I'm tired. Tomorrow's Friday. I want to dance. I love dancing. I hate homework.

On Semester's End

2011-07-14T02:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it's nearing the end of another semester. I'm still without definitive life plans. Still without a significant other. Still without a job plan. Still without an internship. Still without a desirable sleep schedule.

Swing dancing tonight. Vintage night. It was fantastic...but it ended before 11. It still went the full 2 hours of dance, but they had to start at 8:30. It was nice in the beginning, because the girl-to-guy ratio was favorable. But around 9 when all the rest of the girls started coming, it wasn't as fun.

I got all dressed up. Looked awesome. Sportin' the red lipstick. Danced with a whole bunch of awesome people. Funny story: I danced with a kid who was there from highschool. He did not know what he was doing. Instead of being bored or disappointed each time he asked me to dance(since he asked me 3 or 4 times), I sort of led myself and made stuff up, while sort of teaching him as well. And it was SOOO fun!!!! I think I had the most fun dancing with him, just because there were no rules, no form to worry about, no technique to break. It was pure danceage. The only disappointing part was that he asked me to dance on 2 of the best songs of the night. They were both blues songs, and I could feel them, and he didn't. He wasn't as good at keeping with the beat, but I forced him to by keeping myself with the beat. Ha. But seriously, it was just FUN. I could do anything (and I did do anything) and just make stuff up, and have fun with it! I think I had a taste of what leads feel like. Especially leads who dance with non-good follows. It was still fun, because his inability to dance/follow didn't ruin my fun (which is probably why the awesome people still dance with me), but it would have been way fun with someone who could follow. I worked within his frame, though. I didn't do anything that would mess up the groove. It was fun. I felt fully confident and in control. I need a dance partner with whom I can connect like that. Which probably means that I need to get married.

The kid who liked me tried to do his version of blues with me at the end, but it wasn't a blues-feeling song. I didn't feel the blues to it. As a result, I was once again just having fun, and I was chastised for it. Bad dancing strategy. I chastised him back: "Hey. I'm having fun." Ha!

So, related story: Last night (Tuesday night) I had a dream about a guy at swing that I had a smallish crush on (hey! first one of the semester!). I was talking to him about something-or-other. Then in the dream, I had a dream. It was me and this guy, and we were again talking, but he was more humoring me than anything. We were in this building in a city, and the room we were in was like the front of a shop. We were talking again, and then a song came on that's been stuck in my head for the past 4 days: Fever. Then I started blues dancing (or at least my dreaming brain's interpretation of it) and stuff. But he didn't really respond; he thought about it, but decided to still humor me instead. Bummer.

I love dreams.

I'm supposed to be doing homework. I was supposed to have been doing it since I got home. But when I got home, I was bummed because dancing was over, and because I don't have a man, so I went skateboarding with my roommate. By skateboarding I mean riding on a skateboard and looking like one of those wussy girls who try to look cool. We went to Broulim's and got food, cause I hadn't eaten but twice. Then we came home, chatted with other roommates, and then watched harry potter 6 pt 1.

Take home message: Swing Dancing. If I knew how, I would allow it to consume my life. But currently, my only access is through Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings. I want more. I want every night to be swing. I am obsessed.

Lingering question: Where is my love?

On Frustration

2011-07-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

I don't send signals. I don't recognize signals. As a result, I will never be married, unless a boy decides to be supremely persistant. This doesn't happen. Therefore, I will never be married. And this makes me frustrated.

But today was good. Church, in which my two roommates and I decided to go to another ward for 2nd hour, and we just happened to go to mission prep, and we got to teach about Joseph Smith's vision. It was awesome. Then home, and I made caramel corn for a potluck. Then I skyped my family. I miss them. Then I went to the Kirkham and played piano, and made variations on hymns. It was fun. Then, visiting teaching, which was good, then to the park. I listened to a bunch of strings (even a bass!!) play hymns, and VERY VERY well did they play. They played variations too, and put stylings, and basically improvised. It was awesome!!!!!!! I finished a painting for class while they did that. There was also this little girl, and she was shy, so I let her paint on some paper. Her mom was happy about that. After the strings were done, I went to the echo room, played guitar for the hymns that I had chorded, and even sang. In public. And I think I could have a really good voice if I would take lessons (and I don't compliment myself lightly). But I'm not a soprano. Then I watched the clouds, and waited for mi amiga to pick me up. THE CLOUDS WERE AMAZING TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful. Then we went up to the temple and watched the sunset. The clouds were amazing. Then we went to my house, and I observed her flirt, and realized that I'll never be good at it. Then we got free dinner from her neighbor, and played Speed and Nertz. Then we went to her house and talked for an hour. Then I went home, and now I've decided that I'm frustrated that I never have even a hope for any of my crushes, so I don't even try, because my brain tells me that yes, I deserve someone awesome, but whenever I see someone awesome, I feel like they're too awesome to notice me, so I don't even try. MASSIVE GRARRRL OF FRUSTRATOINNNSLKNONWOIENOINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a strange, self-defeating loop. I'll never be married. I'll never date. I'll never be in another relationship. I've only been in 2 relationships, and the first occured because I pursued it hardcore (when I was still naive) and the second because it was arranged. As in, we pretended to date at first to get a stalker off his back. I really am lame. I've never had a real relationship. In my entire life. That's pathetic. If that's the case, then does that not show that I'm not as awesome as everyone and myself say I am? But my brain rejects this. Why can I just not understand how to send and receive signals?!?!! Such a simple concept, and my intelligent brain cannot grasp it. Whatever.

So, my frustration is leading me to stay up late, and do homework, and listen to non-sunday music, even though it's technically not sunday anymore. I think this mood will last until tomorrow.

In other news, I had a dream that I was somehow married to that guy who likes me, and I was very very unhappy about it, but I knew that I shouldn't get a divorce. I was also drunk at one point. It wasn't a happy dream, but interesting nonetheless. I have never had a dream that I haven't enjoyed.

I am frustrated. I hate boys. I hate the game. We're playing with limited information. That always leads to a sub-optimal solution.

The End.

On Exhaustion

2011-06-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

My "Nuevo Tango" radio on Pandora has somehow become seeded with "Cut Chemist" and other not-really-related bands. They're cool, but yeah. I now get Flamenco (I think that was from the "Rodrigo y Gabriela" seed) and some type of house music. Nu jazz, et. al.

So, today was terrible, but tonight was fantastic. Dancing just makes everything better. I was exhausted because I had to stay up all night (minus 2 hours) doing this stupid excel thing for one of my classes, so I was exhausted all day. I had my recital, and it was okay. I wasn't terribly nervous, as I usually am. But I just wanted to dance. So straight after the recital (which ended around 8:15), I ran to the MC, where ballroom workshop started at 8. They were learning viennese waltz. Good times! So I learned the viennese waltz. Or rather, the basic step. My partner was a nice dude, and not a severe beginner, but not a pro either (but neither am I, so it's all good). I wish he was a better leader, and picked up on the steps more quickly, but he was a nice guy. Fun to socialize with. Near the end, the instructor taught us what he called a "gold level" step (really difficult or something), and we learned it in like the last 2o mins of class. As we were dancing, he was giving some instruction, or talking about something, and he said of me, "I've been watching her and she's actually very good!" And in front of all the class, too! I was so flattered!!!!!! Dancing compliments are the best!!!!

Last night, I was only able to go to swing dance for an hour, and I only got asked to dance three times (twice by the same dude-he's a nice guy), but the really good blues dancer guy, the instructor who gave me the compliments, asked me to dance. I had been sitting, exhausted, and resigned to watch the dancers, because only the people who were really good at dancing were being asked. So I was being all tired, and he asked me what was up, and I expounded upon my tiredness. But we danced, and it was fun, because he's all about improvisation and not just vanilla lindyhop. He told me that I had gotten really far, improved a lot, in just one semester. It made me happy. At the end of the dance, another of the really good dancers (who is actually in collegiate dance, I found out this last Saturday) who has danced with me before and said I'm fun to dance with, came up and sat by me, and we chatted a bit. But after the end prayer, I left, and gathered my things. The Blues Guy came over and wished me a better weekend, and then offered me a ride. I was supremely grateful, because I was tired and had loads to do and didn't want to walk home.

Other random things that happened today:
*I was studying in the Romney and some dude walking down the stairs leaned over the railing and said, "Good luck with whatever you're doing. I hope you do well!" And I said thanks. It made me smile.
*My harp teacher is impressed about a song I can play, and that I can do harmonics
*I found a ride to UT for tomorrow!
*I was able to take a short nap in the sun, and get sunburned again.

Good times, all of them. I love dancing. I can't wait for next semester!

On Dancing Pt.2

2011-06-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

"Everything" by Michael Buble. Good song. They played it last at the dance tonight.

So, I got three more compliments. I swear they're coordinating or something. I still don't believe them. Methinks what they mean is "you're better than the average person who knows nothing about dancing, and I'm surprised because you look like the average person who knows nothing about dancing."

During the instruction part of the dance, I was dancing with one of the instructors, and another instructor walks by and says, "She's good, isn't she?!" And then he looks at me and says, "You're up and coming!" I didn't know what to say; I was very flattered, and bashful. This instructor that walked by was the one who complimented me last week, and who I consider to be an excellent dancer.

Another guy said I was a good follow.

And the last guy I danced with said, "You're so good!" I've danced with him before, and he's good.

But I still don't fully believe all of them. I need to know who they're comparing me to. Am I good relative to that other girl who is here for the first time, or am I good relative to those who have been dancing for a long time? I wish I knew. Bother.

But yeah. Dancing is good.

I also got sunburned today!! It was fantastic! Sun does exist in Rexburg.

On Dancing

2011-06-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

So, I've been told 3 times in the past few weeks, and twice tonight, that I'm a good follow. One of the times was at swing dancing, by a guy who I consider to be a fantastic dancer, and it's a huge compliment to get from him. The good dancers have been asking me more often the more I go, and it's awesome. Also twice tonight, I had people say I was fun to dance with. These are the best compliments I've ever received, and tonight, I just started believing the compliments. I still don't think that I'm that good of a dancer/follower, but I believe that they're telling the truth.

I love dancing. I love dancers. I love compliments. I love Wednesday thru Saturday. I LOVE DANCING!!!!!!

Good Friday Indeed

2011-05-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

How does Sister do it? How does she balance flirting and flying? I want to be able to control boys, and have them wrapped around my finger, but also to have them know that I'm not theirs, that I'm out of their league. Perhaps I'm too nice. Or something. Gay.

I've been having such vivid dreams. The first in the line of 3 that I remember was about arranged marriage, where I was supposed to marry someone for some reason, and I felt a bit uncomfortable about it, but it seemed logical, so I was going to do it. Then we found out that the guy was supposed to be married to someone else, and it was a mistake with me, but luckily we weren't married yet because I didn't have a ring.

The next was about me, and I had migranes that made me think I was in an alternate reality instead of causing pain, and in this alternate reality I imagined that I had other powers. It wasn't really dangerous, but my friends and the doctors wanted me to get an operation to fix it. Brain surgery. But they couldn't perform it for some reason, so I had to wait, and continue, and either take the intense pain of the migranes, or do the alternate reality.

The third was that I was held hostage by a black man, and it had to end with either he or I dying. I escaped one day, and hid in a girl's apartment, and she gave me a large chocolate chip cookie. Then I knew I had to return to the black man's apartment and rescue my sister, because I knew that even though he wouldn't hurt her, she wouldn't escape on her own.

Weird dreams. Vivid dreams. They're interesting. I wonder if they are interpretable, or if they're just my mind having fun.

I worked out today. Rowing machine. Abs. It's a beautiful feeling to have your abs burn. Also, I danced tonight. Many songs. I dressed up and looked dang cute. I gained confidence. I asked a couple of guys.

The guy who asked me out on a date does have an interest, and I'm trying to not encourage it, but I want to get dance lessons from him. He really is a good dancer. I just need to somehow make it clear that I'm really not interested, I just like dancing with him. It'll be sad next semester when I don't have a steady dance partner that I know, but perhaps I'll be good enough by next semester that all the really good people will ask me to dance, and it'll still be super fun. Good times. I'm determined to become good at dance now. It's my new project.

Also: I tutor a guy on Saturdays who is SUPERDANGCUTE and I want him to ask me out. Though he would have to get a different tutor, because you're not supposed to date your tutees. I get to tutor him tomorrow. Ahh, cuteness. It's good times.

Today was a good day. I absolutely love dancing, now that I somewhat know what I'm doing.

Suggested Invention: Sleep Pills

2011-05-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

Marginal productivity decreases significantly when the clock hits about 1 am. Then it continues falling rapidly until about 4 am, and marginal productivity begins to increase.

I'd better finish my homework. I still have to shower. My room's a mess because I have no time to clean it up.

I long for the weekend, but once it comes, a new week and a "do it all again" is closer. But so is the end of the semester. And on to my last semester! It doesn't feel like I should be done yet. Oh well.

I have an interest in a guy. But he likes my friend, so there is no point. He's a decisive sort of guy. Oh well. He likes music that I don't like, so we'd never get along.

I have blisters from playing harp. It makes me feel so hardcore. But it also makes me feel like a rookie, since it means that I don't play enough for me to have blisters.

See? Productivity is WAY down. Time to get on it.

Playlist: Deep Love live recording.

More of the same.

2011-05-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated. Again. I find I have an interest in a guy, and guy likes girl who gets all the guys. I don't understand how this girl could be attractive to guys (looks and personality), and this time, I'm not deceiving myself, or exaggerating the truth. I really DON'T know how she is attractive to guys. And yet, she gets them.

My sphere is an obnoxious one, where nothing that enters and is what I want stays for very long. It will always be this way. I won't get what I want.

In other news, I'm tired. And I'm sick of complaining of the same thing over and over. I just wish it would change for longer than a couple weeks, or a month, or a semester.

But I have made a decision: I'm aiming for medical school. That's my career plan. The end.

RE: My inability to find a mate

2011-05-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Why'd I have to be an overachieving idiot and take many credits and work many hours in the best season of Rexburg, my last time in this season? I just want to play. I just want to have fun. And I can't. I'm an idiot. I could work less. But I don't know my budget.

You know what? I just want to be married. Then I won't feel like I need fun all the time, because I'll have my best friend with whom I can just sit down and pop in a movie and be perfectly happy.

Please. Please? I just sit inside my head and watch the daylight slip away.

Give me a break. I need a break.

I must be one of the weaker in the species, and so nobody wants to mate with me. My bloodline will die off. Boo.

Playlist:

Come On Feel the Illinoise! CD by Sufjan Stevens

Expression of frustration at everything being out of order and confused

2011-04-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

Life will never become easier, and I want to stop trying, but I know that even if I say I will, I won't, so though there is no point in trying, there is no point in trying not to try. Going against the flow never worked, and going with the flow only seems to confuse me more and make things worse. So I'll go with the flow, because it's easier.

And I have a wicked cough that's tearing up my throat.

Playlist:

Wrong Idea by Chris Thile
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

Self-Analysis

2011-04-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

Man, I truly am a self-interested individual, and I'm severely conscious of it. I do the mental calculations not subconsciously. Is it bad to be self-interested? Or am I just feeling bad because I am conscious of it? Of every decision that I make, I can name for you the lists on cost-benefit analysis, and who benefits and why they do. Man, I could be an awesome manipulator if I didn't have such a conscious.

Also, it was on Friday, I think, that I suddenly had the thought: "I am happy with who I am. I am glad to be me." And I felt it wholly and completely. I'm glad I'm me.

I miss my family. I find myself disliking Rexburg more and more, since I have only two of my cousins here. Not nearly enough family.

Now, time to go make the most of today, in my extreme exhaustion :)

More Dreamage...

2011-04-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

I had another dream....it was about sex trafficking....and at first, there were these secret underground kidnappings at my school, but they weren't really kidnappings because the people were still there, going to classes and stuff, but they were just being "initiated" into this prostitution ring (unwillingly), and didn't tell anyone about it for some reason. I kept trying to warn people, but nobody believed me, and the bad people kept trying to capture me because they wanted me and because I was warning people. They also didn't care whether I was hurt or killed, since I was warning people, but they preferred that I become one of their prostitutes. But I kept fighting and running. But eventually they did get me, and I struggled with them, and they couldn't get me any "clients", then I stopped struggling because I knew I couldn't escape, and felt like a dirty, immoral, condemned-to-hell person because I didn't struggle anymore--In my mind, I was being consensual, though I wanted to be anywhere but there. It was a disturbing dream. The first part of the dream, before I was captured, was cool. But the second part was rated X. Why does my mind create unwholesome dreams? I don't think about this stuff, so where does it come from? Weird, weird, weird.

Partial Dream

2011-04-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

While I'm thinking of it:

I had a dream where there was some sort of band playing or something, and one of them had an upright bass, and he asked me if I wanted to try playing it, but I also asked him because I had a melody in my head, and we both agreed because I've always wanted to try, and the bass had frets. It was pretty tight, because that made it easier to play. And I was able to play it (probably because it had frets). It was so cool. I would love to learn to play the bass someday. Also the cello. It's one of my dreams.

The Oddities of Time

2011-04-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

197 page book in 1 hour, 47 minutes. My intent was to read a chill book while I ate, then do some more homework, then perhaps to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Beware of books. Now the time for early-to-bed-early-to-rise has passed, and I think I'll just pull an all-nighter. Perhaps for 48 hours. And then my mind will be as impaired as if I were drunk. Though I've never been drunk (and I never will be). Time has been flying ever since Saturday night. We got back at around 6, and I went to the Snow around 7 and skyped home for an hour and a half, then played piano 'til 11. It was light when I went into the Snow, and dark when I came out. It surprised me. Time escaped from me. On Sunday night after General Conference I went to my friend's house. We talked, watched Tangled, then talked some more. I looked at the clock, and it had jumped from 8 to 12. Time escaped from me. Today after classes and tutoring I was in the library doing homework from 7 until 10. I didn't notice the passage of time except for on the computer clock. It felt as though an hour had passed. My internal time measurer needs reset, so that time will not escape from me. I expect that tonight as I attempt to be ultra-productive, time will yet again escape from me. I pulled an all-nighter last Monday. That was a week ago. It feels like yesterday. Where does it go? Time is certainly relative. I've felt oddly internal since Saturday. I received social interaction on Sunday night, and now it's as though my meter has been filled for an indefinite period of time. Perhaps my body is finally becoming acclimated so that it needs less of everything in order to survive: less sleep, less socialisation, less food, less time. I will transcend mortality before I know it. Someday I will be married and will not have to use this blog any more. It's hardly read as it is. Someday I will have somebody who will have to listen. I hate the boy. I dislike the girl. But I can feign friendship until the semester ends. Two days of classes, three more of packing/moving/planning.

Sympathy versus Duty

2011-03-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

My sympathies lie with myself, but my morality tells me to step away; and not only that, but to be an active participant in their unition. I am able to reign in my sympathies, and control my chariot. And though my sympathies conflict with my morality, I am bound by duty--though it does cause pain. Or perhaps these sympathies are only selfishness, and it conflicts with my duty because my duty is what's moral, and selfishness is immoral. Though I feel a masochist at times, encouraging the courtship while screaming against it on the inside, but almost enjoying the feeling of being a martyr, and a secret martyr at that. And I do wonder: will I ever play the part of the one who is to be courted? I feel as though this is a role for everyone but me: I am not even onstage--I am the curtain-puller, the provider of refreshments, the insignificant peon. I do play a part, I do help, but I am given the most menial of tasks. I've given up trying. I don't know how to try anyways. I only know how to be myself--which, supposedly, is what everybody likes, though I have not seen any fruits come of it. I've been told that I am a good catch, that I am somebody who people would want, yet where is the evidence of this? I have yet to see who it is that wants me. Who wants me? I have given up any practical hope of finding a boy who I want, who will want me back. I have given up any practical hope of a boy finding me who wants me, who I will want back. Of course, there is the residue of hope, which I pull back with my logic. Or with my morality. For logic and morality are very much related. It is hope which hurts. Hope from which nothing will come. Hope which leads to disappointment, disappointment being the worst pain of all. It's a sharp, acute pain at first, and stays a chronic, dull, throbbing ache. It is fear of disappointment, and a knowledge of the high likelihood of such, which prevents me from ever going for anything that depends on anybody else. I prefer to remain in the realm of myself, my box, in which realm I can only be harmed by myself. It is a narrow box to be sure, but it is one which I control. It is one where I decide how I will feel, how I will act, and nothing is dependent on others. This brings pain, but it is a pain that I cause, and that I control. For I would rather have pain which I can control, than a happiness which I cannot. And they say that happiness is not dependent on others, but only on one's own self. It is true that there is a particular sort of happiness which depends only on one's own self, but this is not the highest happiness attainable. The happiness which depends only on one's own self is a lesser happiness. True happiness, happiness in its highest sense, does depend on others, as do all things when they are fulfilled in their highest measure. And as true happiness in its highest sense depends on others, so also does true misery in its highest sense depend on others. The highs are in proportion to the lows, and for higher levels of happiness, there are higher levels of misery. So I will stay on my lower level of misery, and likewise experience lower levels of happiness. But at least I can control it all.

Key Change, Please-- I'm sick of C.

2011-03-22T21:43:00.001-07:00

I see that you are ignoring the problem instead of addressing it. Or perhaps I'm so excellent at what I do that you perceive no problem. But if you are aware of the problem, then why not just say something? Or do you subscribe to the belief that if you ignore something long enough, it goes away? Or perhaps the "I can't see you so you can't see me" principle.

It does bother me a little. But it'll be okay. As I told you before, I'm used to it; I can handle it. And next semester comes soon (though not soon enough to keep me from feeling some hurt). Next semester, the problems all go away, because neither you nor he will be here. I don't even have to run away, but I am changing the scenery.

Someday, I'll find mine as you have found yours. Someday, I won't have to be quiet anymore. Someday, I'll be allowed to have one too.

I have a headache. Go away.

Another Complaint On Time

2011-03-17T23:24:00.001-07:00

Two nights ago, I read my chemistry book for fun.
Last night, I wanted to learn guitar, greek, and singing--all at the same time.
Tonight, I want to read everything.

Why is there not more time?

I want to audit so many classes. I want to take so many classes.

Why is there not more time?

One of the best and worst desires a person can be given is to learn. How great it is to have a passion for knowledge...and how terrible it is to be limited in time.

I hate sleeping as well. It steals time from me.

200th post. Nothing significant.

2011-03-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

So, jam session tonight. Once upon a time, I tried to sing in front of them, and got so nervous and stressed that I cried. Good times. No, but for real. I cried.

It's funny. Laugh.

I also have a reflection paper to write, and I don't want to write it.

I also should have been in bed an hour and a half ago. Or two hours ago.

I also should stop being fat.

I also should become more attractive so that I can have some sort of hope at finding a male figure who I can convince and coerce to be my husband.

I also should get better at guitar, piano, school, the gospel, socialising, confidence, and life in general.

I've got a lot to accomplish tomorrow.

Inflammatory Writ

2011-03-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

Loud roommates...frustrate me.
Be thou silent so that I mayest more fully think. And I plan on going to bed soon.

The Elder J wrote me a letter full of passive-aggressive "incindiary rhetoric". (Once upon a time some dude in my Econ History class said "incindiary rhetoric and I thought it was hilarious...and pompous). I don't want to be friends with someone who's gonna have a holier-than-thou attitude and still profess to love me and "only want to make me happy". So, that's taken care of. (Side note--I can be a real jerk when I want to be, and to him, I want to be--but I'll hold back, so that I don't look like a dumb.)

Both yesterday and today were fantastic days. I was in an awesome mood, and things were just happy. Good times :D

Today feels like Thursday. I wish it were.

I wish it were next semester. I need to run away. I'm starting to get stale here. The memories are accumulating and dragging me down. It feels like sludge. I need to escape before I'm tied here. I believe that anything and anyplace is good as long as there are no memories attached. I believe that memories build up until they become a suffocating mass that will keep you in the past. I believe that no memories are good memories, because they are gone, and can't ever be reclaimed.

Bedtime, before my good mood turns to negativity.

Midday Chill

2011-03-07T13:51:00.000-08:00

I signed up for classes today. They're mostly fun classes, but a large workload of them, so I think I'll have to get rid of some. But I don't want to. So far, I have:
General Art-2D: MW 2-4pm
Intermediate Microeconomics: MWF 9-10am
(I'm positive I'm going to either audit or drop this one) Public Economics: TR 8-9:30am
Senior Capstone: TR 9:45-11:15am
Old Testament: MW 12:45-1:45pm
American Epidemic: MWF 11:30-12:30pm
Essentials of Welding: TR 12:45-1:45pm, then lab 3:15-5:30pm
Piano

So the classes I will for sure keep are Micro, Capstone, OT, Epidemic, and Piano. I'll drop welding if it turns out to be less fun than I think, or if it turns out to be too much work. I'll drop Art if I think it'll take too much time. Good times.

Now, I have class, and I therefore must depart. CLASS!

Equilibrium

2011-03-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I really really really dislike the appropriate path.

Always, I really really really really really really really hate disappointment. But at least less hope is invested each time, so the disappointment is less. Even still, this is why I am the one who is risk averse, who takes no chances, who stays inside her box, who does nothing out of her nature.

Though, I did ask for it, I suppose. Ask for a sign, you'll receive one. But beware the value of the sign--often it is negative when you expect it to be positive. (Side note--don't make expectations. They will be broken.)

Again, school is life; it has always been that way, and will always be that way, and nothing will ever change, and I will never change. There's no point.

And thus, life goes from boom to bust, and I'll soon be back to the equilibrium. The average, the ordinary, the everyday.

The End.

No, but seriously. I'm frustrated. This is one of those, "Fine, I'll just wait 'til next semester, run away to different living quarters to escape the scene, then be a nobody again until the next disruption" situations. I hate that I have to wait to run, but I like that I do have the option. I'll run from hardships--indirectly running from hope--(The disutility of disappointment trumps the utility of hope--hope is uncertain, but disappointment is sure) and build up my exoskeleton for those rainy days, those sandstorm days, when the grains corrode your feelings and gouge individually imperceptible but accumulating ruts in your skin. Make it tougher, so it takes longer for the cuts to hurt (though they always hurt) and make it thicker, so it takes more sand to make a cut.

It seems the disruptions come right when life is starting to go well. When I'm becoming a somebody. There ain't no rest for the wicked, until we close our eyes for good.

This would be over-dramatic if I were describing a single circumstance. But this is not a single circumstance. These are sandstorm days, not an instance, and grains accumulating ruts in my skin, over time. And if emotions could only be discarded, I would not have to become irrationally attached to people who will never reciprocate in the long run. I still hold that emotions are more useless than they are useful, and so I will always revert to logic and reason (though even logic and reason in this life are affected by emotions).

I've always been the second-best, the fall-back, in every aspect. Good times (she says cynically).

Wow, talk about discarding emotions--pity party supreme. But it results in some cool prose, in my opinion. I use some sweet phraseage.

You know, it doesn't really matter. I just decided this. Though I still agree with every post where I've complained about life and how unfair it is. I always will. It will always be true. It's my equilibrium.

Boring.

2011-03-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I finally sent Elder J an email. We'll see how that goes. We'll see if he even responds. But, it's done. Hopefully, it's over with.

Working on Hebrew translation. Waiting for 6pm to work. I don't want to work right now. I want to play.

Devotional was quite good today. It addressed some recent trivial questions I've had. And we sang 2 good hymns. The choir did this cool arrangement of...a hymn...that I can't remember anymore. Dang it. It was a cool arrangement though...

I wish that every night, I had some activity to go to so that I had something to look forward to each night. I should plan my life so that this is true. I've got Monday night covered, and Sunday night covered...but that's all so far...poo.

I so badly want to go snowboarding. SO BADLY!!!!! But I have not a car wherewith to transport me. Aw, stink.

I'm bored right now. I need to do homework right now. The End.

Life or Lifelike

2011-02-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

Esoteric comments don't get anyone anywhere. Just so you know. Literal interpretations are my specialty, and I always take the most negative meaning possible, so that there is no hope to be ruined.

So I got another letter today. Not good times. I haven't read it yet. I feel like it will just make today an even worse day.

Can't everything just be clear? Can't it all just be made known? Why must everything be so vague, so unpredictable, so frustratingly hidden?

Life.

Conflicts

2011-02-28T00:19:00.000-08:00

So, stake conference. It was good. Our stake president is President Henry J Eyring, and he's a good speaker. We also had a member from the 2nd quorum of the 70 come and speak: an Elder Walker. He was fantastic. I learned much that I realised I need to know, from all speakers. Someday, when my life has passed me by, I'll lay around and wonder why I am known. It's so indescribably fantastic to know that Heavenly Father loves me, and knows me. I need to have more faith. I really need more faith.

Once upon a time, my roommate is somebody for whom I have immense respect, and she has been my favorite person that I've met (besides Beth...) since being at college. She is the most selfless, most kind, most considerate, super-funny person that I've ever met, and she's beautiful besides. She's sweet, loves the gospel, keeps the rules, doesn't do anything bad. Loves the spirit. Always gets something out of church meetings. She's smart. She's amazing. It makes me very sad that she won't be here next semester. She will always be an example to me, and I hope that she will always be my friend. Her name is Erika Z. I love this girl, and I really really really really really really really really want her to be happy, and I really want her life to work out in a happy manner. She deserves everything good. She cares so much about people. She thinks about everyone but herself. She's just....awesome.

Someday, in the eyes of a passerby, I'll look around for another try, and fade away. (Someday by Sugar Ray)

I need to decide what I'm doing with my life. I was super-stressing about it today. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have the security of a husband, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. If I had not decided to stay for Fall semester, I would probably be at the MTC by the end of this year. But now, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be going on a mission. I don't know. Nobody said this was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard. And I still have to write Elder J. Or write him off, rather. Ha. Ha.

Oh, the self-interested individual that is Chloe Lammi.

I learned that I value people's trust. I very highly value people's trust. I also know how to trust people, and I know how people trust me.

Tomorrow, I have to go visiting teaching.

I'm watching my friend's guinea pigs for half a week while she and her husband go out of town. I'll have to walk quite a ways to get to her house to feed the darn things. But since I am able, I will do it. I can just do homework while I'm there. Maybe spend a night there. That would be sweet. She also said I can eat their food while they're gone...free food. Huge motivator for me. Food is good. Free is better. Free food is best.

I love family. I miss my family. And today, I told myself a secret: I want to have a family. At least, some deep-down part of me does. Some deep-down part of me wants to get married and have children. Fortunately, it's DEEP down. So I can ignore it, except for those very rare situations where it cuts through and sort of stabs my heart a little, and then it hurts me to think that I'm nowhere near marriage. But that's not often, so it's okay.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to play. I'm tired. I sleep-deprive myself. Not good times. I need to go grocery shopping.

Oh, life. Oh, gospel.

Please, lead me to where I need to be, or at least let me know I'm going the right way.

Squeamish?

2011-02-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

Holy long time, no post!

So, life. Good times.

Once upon a time, I only had 14 credits during winter semester. This was an insanely low amount of credits for Chloe, who has not had below 17 credits since Spring 2009. Chloe thinks about life a lot, and the more she thinks, the more she realises she does not know, and the more bothered she becomes about the lack of answers.

A current problem: How to tell Johnson that I'm not in love with him no more, and I don't want to marry him, and all the other things that have been on my mind since the middle of last semester. How do I tell him that it faded quickly? How do I drill it into his head that I'm LOGICAL, and REALISTIC? How do I tell him that we're opposite? How do I tell him that I've always felt like I'm looking out for him? Always protecting him? And when will I find the one who wants to listen to me? I listen to everyone, and have not yet had anyone to whom I could tell my life story. I have yet to find somebody who truly wants to listen, who just wants to know me because they find me interesting, without my having to prompt them. This will be my selfish post. I will listen to anyone who needs to talk, or who wants to talk. I will respond. I won't judge, I won't gossip, because I value trust. But other people do gossip, and judge, and so I don't cast my life before swine. How do I tell him that I didn't get that with him? I can't marry somebody who doesn't have that. I can't marry somebody who I dated for three months. He made it into a movie-type romance story, and that's just bull crap. Life is not like that. Not for me, anyway. I think about things. My love for him quickly faded, and now, frankly, I don't care. I didn't have a strong enough bond. Rash promises. Never, NEVER get involved with preemies. I don't love you. I haven't loved you since the middle of last semester. The promise that I made was made when I was in an emotion, and I overestimated my attachment to you. I could tell that it wasn't going to happen, the logical side of me could tell, because the logical side of me knows the truth, but the emotional side wouldn't listen. I don't want you to love me. I told you to focus. Why did I have to go and be one of those stupid "I'll wait for you" girls? Why did you have to be the only stupid guy who would be more attached than I? Why can't you just unexist? Why can't I just find someone to be my best friend, a forever kind of best friend?

New tangent: You know when you come to that realisation when you're like: Aww, man...I'm not good enough. And even if I try, I still won't be good enough. And so you try anyway, because there's still that hope?

Thoughts: I found out that I love snowboarding. I also found out that I love ultimate frisbee (provided that it's friendly competition). I love learning and school, but there has been a dreadful unbalance between school and social life; so much so that the scales are tipping to the extreme now. I like getting out of my box in the short-term, because it leads to some diversity in my otherwise monotonous life, but leaving the box is stepping into the unknown, where there is a high probability of unhappy emotions, which includes disappointment. I don't like when expected results become true results. I don't like having answers. I don't like things being out of my control. I do like control. That makes so much sense. I like answers. With answers, I understand, and when I understand, there is less unknown, and with less unknown, there is more control. And that just makes a whole bunch of other stuff make so much more sense...I didn't think I was like that, but I am. Man....that means I'm boring. Which goes back to New Tangent.

Someday...I hope....I will be able to talk my thoughts, instead of typing them. Type can only convey emotion to an extent, and it does a terrible job. If nonverbal communication is already hard to interpret, then type is especially hard to interpret.

I think my head's been messed with a lot this semester. And I am impatient. Severely impatient. Give me answers.

Who reads this, anyway? The pointless babbles of a not-of-age girl.

My thoughts end where the questions begin.

RExburG CHILLS

2010-09-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

Beholders!

I'm at my old roommate's house, chillin'. Skin is dry, lips are chapped.

Here's the rundown:

Getting braces on the 15th. Good times? Only to the extent that my teeth will no longer be stupid.

School starts on Sept 9th. And I also have orientation for tutoring.

I think intermediate macroeconomics will be my most difficult class, and then linear algebra.

I still get mistaken for a 16-year-old.

I've made a detailed budget sheet in excel. It makes me feel cool.

I think I'm going to go for a master's in accounting, which means that I'll have to go to a community college or something after I graduate to get some prereqs. Accounting wouldn't be too hard, and I'd always be sure to have a job. It wouldn't be my favorite thing to do, but I also wouldn't hate it. And I could do it from home, I've heard. Or part-time. So that's my longer-term plan.

I love my new guitar.

I'm going to be living on spaghetti, PB&honey sandwiches, and bagels with honey this semester, with the occasional cereal 'n milk, or whatever I have leftover from last semester. 400 dollars per semester, 27 per week. It'll work. I'm frugal.

I bought new scriptures today, and a new case. Mini ones. I wish I knew what the heck happened to my old ones...I wish someone would return them.

I love/hate my new style. I love it because it's different, and because it's obnoxious at myself, but I hate it because it's obnoxious. But it's a lot of fun to pretend to be someone else on the outside. Although my insides are still the same. I may put on any image I want, but as soon as I start talking, that image will be ruined and will instantly be replaced with "Chloe". I cannot hide what's inside. I kinda wish I could, just for fun. Just to be obnoxious still. But alas, the Chloeness oozes out from my mouth.

I made cake today. It was awesome.

I don't want school to start. I want to stay on vacation. Which means that it is time for school to start. My vacation meter is filled up for three more semesters.

Michael Johnson is Leaving

2010-08-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

Sooo....the Michael Johnson is leaving on his mission. I'm gonna miss him. I want to hate the situation, but it must be for a good reason that things are like this. I need to get back to school so I can occupy myself so I don't have to miss him, though. Also, I'm planning on buying a new guitar. About $300. Yamaha FG730S. It sounds awesome. And other good qualities. I'm gonna get braces, too. Paid for out-of-pocket, full amount, by myself. Not good times. Doing this means that I'm gonna have to live with my parents for my internship, which sucks, but whatever. I'm also gonna get a pretty crappy internship. But I need braces. And I do not exaggerate. I never spend money unless I really need or really want something, and in the case of braces, it's both. My teeth are messed up.

But I miss Michael Johnson. He leaves this Wednesday, the 18th. At least I get to email him, although he can't reply. And I can write him too.

So, I'm ready for going back. My vacation meter is filled up.

Boredom

2010-07-30T09:03:00.001-07:00

Aaaah.....no homework, no tests, no schedule, no stress, no life....

I hate unstructured time. I wish I had a job, or deadlines, or a purpose, or something.

I'm done with my free-time-ness. I want a break where I have things to do, places to go, people to see. A purpose. A life. But alas, I have all this free time, and nothing to do with it. I wish I could transfer this time to next semester.

Update: Nearly done

2010-07-21T12:03:00.001-07:00

Two classes done. Three to go.

Sweet salvation is near

And the end is nigh at hand.

Calculus study party hardcore fantasticness!!!

The End

2010-07-07T09:17:00.001-07:00

Three weeks.

Thank goodness.

Goals

2010-03-28T00:51:00.001-07:00

New Goals:

1. Go to swing dancing and Ballroom dancing every Wednesday and Friday night. Become good. Impress my friends.

2. Look forward to Fridays.

3. Push myself to get better in running.

4. Have better leg muscles than Aurora.

5. Learn to skateboard.

6. Learn to play blues-type guitar with my new SLIDE.

7. Survive the last two weeks of school.

8. Exercise and diet myself to a sexy body.

9. Read a good book all the way through.

10. Make an effort to go to bed at a reasonable time for the next two weeks.

Stupid Fridays.

2010-01-22T16:38:00.001-08:00

'Nuff said.

A Cool Poem

2010-01-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

This poem was in one of the readings for my class:

Time can conquer
Love's unkindness
Love can alter
Time's disgrace

Thomas Campion

Beautifulness.

My text won't stop being slanty.

A Message to Myself

2010-01-18T00:10:00.000-08:00

People are important. People are worth your time.

Thank you, my roommate, for helping me to realize this.

Chloe is a selfish rear-end. And she will change. Because she doesn't want to become too "self-interested". (Hahaha.)

And if she fails to remember this, she will be judged most harshly for wasting her potential.

Scarcity and a Waste of Resources

2010-01-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

Every day, I become more annoyed that time is a limited resource.

I've come to find that the more I know, the more I want to know, so it's like getting more hungry the more I eat.

And I have potential. But I have to waste it on being a mother and stagnating at home while my husband gets to go live life and learn and do different things every day. We had a large discussion about this tonight, with the conclusion that it's about faith and exaltation requiring you to have a family, and the fact that we get experience families now rather than later, and we have eternity to learn when we die. I wanted something tangible, but alas, faith is the answer. It's annoying. Learning about economics, I am finally able to put my frustration into words: the opportunity cost of having a family is HUGE. Like, HUGE. And this annoys me. I don't know if it's worth it. Although my logic tells me that the long-term benefits are worth it, I see the short-term. And the short-term tells me that it is SO not worth it to have a family. There is so much else that could be so much more beneficial that I could be doing. And my short-term logic just can't handle the option of being a mother knowing that my opportunity cost is so huge. To choose the route of mother is just...irrational. And that's not allowed in my world. I see the short-term benefits, and right now, the short-term benefits are the long-term benefits, if that makes sense.

It's just...stupid for me to choose to be a mother. For other people, the opportunity cost isn't so big, so it would make more sense for them to use their lives to spawn. But I could do so much more- I have the desire, the potential. I don't want to waste it! I am so frustrated.

Waste, waste, waste. I could do so much more. And I know, because I'm logical, that I'll eventually become a mother, and waste my life anyway, because my purely logical side can see the long-term benefits, and is, ultimately, the most rational. But my short-term, not-so-purely logical side (I suppose, then, it would be my emotional side-- another reason why emotions are useless-- see previous post) knows that I will be INCREDIBLY unhappy and dissatisfied with life, and restless.

Waste. It's so frustrating, and even more so, now that my vague frustrations can be precisely articulated, and the ideas expanded.

So, I need to learn as much as I can now, since my learning and thus my progression will halt and then move backward once I become a mother.

Bollucks, then.

Logic

2010-01-14T15:29:00.001-08:00

So there's this cute kid in my calc class, and he's a mechanical engineering major. But he's cute. But he says he's a nerd. One point pending-he needs to prove the nerdliness.

I don't trust him, though. I don't know why.

In calc, there are more people than there are seats, so you take whichever seat you can get to. On Tuesday, he sat next to me, since that was one of the few available seats left. We talked a bit that hour. The next day, we were supposed to get a seating chart. I got there early, so as to secure for myself a desireable seat. And I did. There's this other kid in the class who may have a slight fancy for me (I'm not being conceited here-this is my blog, these are my thoughts, and I still feel I have to justify myself for my two-or-so readers) and he chose a seat to the left of me. Then the kid that I sat next to on Tuesday took the seat to the right of me. They both talked to me a bit during the hour. But then the teacher said we wouldn't be making the seating chart that day, which was a bit annoying- I wanted my spot secured instead of worrying that I'll have to sit in the back when I come to class. But anyway. Then today, I sat in the same place that I did on Wednesday, and Cute Kid sat to the left of me, and Kid #2 sat to the right of me. Kid #2 is almost cute, but his brow is too heavy. (That sounds funny). And his voice annoys me, as does the way he speaks. He's a physics major, which is awesome. Math-based people are my people for sure.

But yeah. I don't trust the Cute Kid for whatever reason. Maybe I am reading it right and he is sort of interested in me, and I'm just not used to having normal-type guys interested in me, so I'm cautious. Maybe my other theory is right, in that he may be sort of interested in me, but for selfish reasons (which I am familiar with). Maybe he's got a girlfriend and he's not interested in me, and he's just a flirty type. I'll definitely err on this side-- guilty until innocent, pessimism over optimism. It's safer. So I'm thinking either option two or three (most likely three), because based on past experience, and going along with Murphy's Law, and Le Chatlier's principle, the probability that option one is the correct assumption is very small. I love logic. It's so simple and analytical.

So that's the story. And I figure that this kid is somewhere around 24, 25. I sense a pattern emerging here. All the more reason to be on my guard. Stupid life. Stupid games. Stupid emotions. Stupid "supposed to get married". Stupid BYU-I culture. Stupid past experiences. Stupid everything having to do with relationships. I protest them. And honestly, if I could get rid of my emotions, and these retarded wants for a relationship, then I would. Oh, I would. You have no idea how much I would rather go about life completely objective, completely logical, completely cold and justice, than to be influenced by retarded, illogical, suppressible but not changeable emotions. Oh, how I wish it were possible.

But since I can't get rid of emotions, I figure that if I focus on school, focus on learning, and pretend that this is what I derive the absolute most joy from in both the short term and the long term, I will eventually be able to convince others and myself that I am perfectly happy without having to rely on socialness, particularly relationships, and then emotions will be incredibly supressed but never disappearing completely. It's undefined at that point, so emotions will get closer and closer to disappeared, but they will never reach that point. So the limit of emotions is zero (or gone, rather) as learning approaches infinity. 1,000 points to anyone who finds this humorous, not only because it's nerdly, but also because they understand it.

Imma go do homework now. LEARNING=LIFE!

I'm Pretty Much Awesome.

2010-01-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

I am crazy.

And I am stoked.

If my plan goes as planned, I'm taking the GRE this summer, I think.

I'll be applying for grad school this fall.

I'll be doing an internship next spring.

I'll be in grad school next fall.

Holy lifeness. I didn't know everything would come this fast.

I went and saw a teacher about my planned schedule for the next four semesters. He okay-ed it. But it'll be crazy, and I'll have no life. Which will be nothing compared to grad school.

So I'm looking at definitely 21 credits next semester. DEAD.

My life, for the next...seven years...will be math and economics. Seven years of learning...It'll be awesome.

This semester, I was annoyed that all my classes were so easy, so I asked if I could audit a class for which I haven't had the prerequisites (I'm enrolled in them right now). I'll have to teach myself some stuff if I hope to understand what's going on, but it's all easy stuff. But I'm so stoked to have a class that will actually challenge me, even though it's not for credit. But I'm taking it this fall for credit, and I figured that anything I could do to make my life easier for the next few semesters would probably be good.

I am SO stoked though!! Oh, the sweetness of a challenge. Let's see how well I can use my limited resources.

Seriously for serious, I am so excited for next semester. It's gonna be KILLER!!

My only problem is teh moneyz. That's one limited resource that I'm definitely scared about. I won't have time to have a job, so I'll either have to take out some not-government loans, go hungry, mooch off of friends, suddenly get a really high GPA, or find some money growing on trees. The last option sounds best, but I won't tell anyone if I do find it lest the value of the dollar goes down and inflation goes up. That wouldn't be fun.

Man...I can already feel the tension...the one-step-behind-ness...the no-life-ness...the being-tied-to-the-library-ness...the breakdowns...the tears...the fears...

I am crazy.

And I am stoked.

Curious People

2010-01-01T16:27:00.001-08:00

I found this article online. It's nice to know that other people think this way.

Curious People

I’ve always wanted to use the words “never” and “always” or “everybody” and “nobody” together in one short sentence.

But that’s me. As a writer I’m intrigued by language. I also spend a lot of time thinking about how things work and why.

My wife, on the other hand, is a people person. She’s always thinking about relatives and friends, how they feel, what they need or would like, what’s new in their lives.

I like people, too, but I don’t ruminate about them as she does because there’s something unsolvable about them. I mean, I can’t figure out why some people do the things they do.

For example, I wonder about people who hunt animals. I’m not saying hunting is wrong or should be banned or anything like that. It’s just that I don’t understand the sport. I tried it once—shot an unarmed squirrel. I had this awful feeling that I’d just broken something that couldn’t be fixed. “He didn’t even know he was in the game,” I thought. Okay, so I’m a jar of jelly, but couldn’t hunters get just as much satisfaction by shooting paint balls at the animals, or maybe throwing custard pies at them?

I’m perplexed by people who say that they’re voting for the lesser of two evils. This has been a voter lament since George Washington refused a third term. And yet we live in the most powerful and prosperous nation ever to exist. Surely we haven’t been governed all this time by evil to a lesser degree. I think if these people want to be cynics they should say they’re choosing from the better of two performers.

I don’t understand people who buy bottled water. Maybe I’m naive, but can’t you get this stuff for free? Was I supposed to be putting coins in those drinking fountains at the mall? I don’t think so. I wonder, are these the same people who bought pet rocks years ago? Do you think they would buy cylinders of compressed Rocky Mountain air?

Then there’s the driver who uses his middle finger to communicate frustration or anger? I’m pretty sure that this same person in the supermarket would probably just say “darn” or “oops.” There’s something about being isolated in a powerful machine that seems to relax civility. How do you reply to this crude gesture? If you think about it, a finger pointing skyward could be interpreted to mean “go to heaven.” I just give the “OK” signal and a wink.

I wonder who are the people who listen patiently on the phone as telemarketers give their spiel. Somebody must be—because they keep calling. Hey, whoever you are, stop it! As long as you’re nice to these alien voices they’re going to continue to bug us all. Instead, tell them to “go to heaven” as crudely as possible and hang up. I’m kidding, of course, but I do wonder who’s rewarding those “tele-phoney” salespeople.

I shake my head at people who write hateful letters to the editor—the ones with trigger words like fascist or red-necked or demeaning names like Slick Willy or King John. Will insulting labels or name calling really change any reader’s opinion? We all know it won’t, yet people keep doing it. I guess what they’re really saying is “I’m mad as hell and I gotta tell someone besides my spouse.”

I’m puzzled by car owners who drive around with those frames dealers put over license plates. I haven’t seen one that wasn’t plain ugly. And often they cover up part of the plate numbers or expiration month—which is illegal, by the way. These same people often have dealer emblems stuck on the trunk as well. I don’t understand it—advertising without getting paid. But it must be me who’s odd because I don’t like wearing commercials on my clothes either.

And I wonder about people who think they are nobodies—particularly those who think their votes don’t count on election day. These are the lambs who are awed by politicians, and think they have no say in government policy. I personally believe everyone some time or another is important in this world, not in the Warhol 15 minutes of fame sense, but important to other people, to friends or family, and especially to our democracy on election day. In other words, everybody is never always nobody.

http://www.jimwegryn.com/Essays/Curious%20People%20.htm

Fun Times

2009-12-30T12:59:00.001-08:00

After two-or-so hours of reading, example-ing, and talking to myself, I finally understand percentiles!

It was so worth it.

A New Hope

2009-12-29T16:26:00.000-08:00

Hope hath been restored in my dreams of being a math tutor.

I'm thinking that all these good things that have been happening during this break are because I started reading scriptures every day during the break. My roommate was talking to me once about something, and I don't remember if I asked her a question, or if this was just part of her story, but she said something about that doing the little things, like reading the scriptures every day, make a huge difference. This didn't make sense to me, how something so small as reading the scriptures could make such a difference. It's just reading. But then another time after that I was talking to my mom, and complaining about something or other, and she said, "I thought of something. Have you been reading your scriptures every day?" I hadn't, and she told me to, and then she said that it makes a difference. There were also a lot of testimonies given this semester in my ward about how powerful reading the scriptures every day could be. I kept hearing this, and I knew that there must be a reason why everyone kept saying it, but I still didn't get it. I didn't understand how just by reading the scriptures, there will be big improvements in your life.

During the break, I've actually had ample time to read my scriptures, so I have been. And I've had a lot of good things happen: I got to work at Great Harvest for 3 days and earned $110, I had an awesome Christmas Eve and an awesome Christmas, I got to go to a friend's house on Sunday and just hang out, someone bought my contract that I've been really worried about not selling, and it's likely that I'll get to be a math tutor.

I still don't know how reading the scriptures every day makes that big of a difference. I can see how saying prayers helps you to remember Christ and Heavenly Father and your dependence on them, I can see how keeping the law of chastity and word of wisdom help, I can see how going to church helps. But just reading? I don't understand. But I love it. And I love all the people that Heavenly Father put in my path so that I would learn this, among numerous other things. I am so thankful for this church. I would be lost without it. It gives me purpose, it gives me hope, it gives me perspective, it gives me guidance.

I am so grateful.

Vivid Dreams

2009-12-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

So I decided to start my morning off by reading my calculus book.

And then I spent an hour (or two) making sense of the formal definition of a function, until I REALLY understood it for sure.

I understand it now. Math makes even more sense when you understand the reasons behind everything.

It's so dang cool.

I had a dream about calculus last night. And chemistry.
This took place in a ginormous building that had classrooms, labs, a giant library/computer room on one of the higher floors with windows taking up the ceiling and walls (it sort of reminded me of a terminal), escalators, stairs; almost like a mall/terminal that had been gutted and turned into a school, but even bigger, with, like, five floors and a basement.

It was the last day of school. For some reason, I was rushing around the school. I could see into the classrooms as I ran past: in the basement were the lab classrooms, college-age kids slouching on the lab stools, head on their hands, waiting for the class to be over as the teacher just lecturelecturelectured; up the stairs, skip the first floor, which had tons of students walking around, going to classes; on the second floor, chemistry classrooms, where I see my chemistry teacher (who had been teaching my trigonometry class also), and I paused to talk to him about the class and to ask him a question about my calculator and some assignments, he told me that I had to turn in my calculator before a certain time and that I'd better hurry, since it was almost that time, so I was running, running, running (and this is where I realised why I was running); up to the third floor, where there was a cafeteria; up the stairs again, running so fast past the fourth floor; fifth floor, where all the math classrooms were, and also the giant computer lab, and there were tons of students on the computers, some walking around, doing some last-minute last-day stuff, discussing things with their teachers.

When I got up to the fifth floor, my chemistry teacher was there, and I gave him my calculator. It was a few minutes past the time, however, so he took points off of my grade. He had these eight blue tickets, like the kind for raffles, only larger. He tore off five of them, kept those, and gave me the remaining three. I wasn't given the five because of the calculator being turned in late and because I had also lost points for the assignments I had been asking about. This was on top of a lot of points that he had taken off my grade because of the assignments. I was very disappointed and mad at myself, but I didn't hate the teacher, because he was cool, and it was mostly my fault (This part of my dream mirrors real life: a similar thing happened with my stats teacher, where he didn't count an assignment, so I got a B in the class, but I still like the guy. He's a good teacher. I'm thinking that this part of my dream also translates to my knowing I could have done better than I did in my classes last semester, which really makes me mad at myself. I could have done better.)
But there were still three tickets left, and he gave those to me, and said that they were each worth 32 extra credit points on my final exam. I was a bit alarmed, because I didn't know about this exam (I thought I was done with all my finals), and because if there were eight tickets that I could have gotten, and they were each worth 32 points, then did that mean that I would need all those points because the exam was so hard and I would miss a ton? Then he gave me the take-home final that was maybe 100 pages thick, all word problems that combined trigonometry and chemistry. He explained that it was due on January 4th, the day before winter semester began. I looked at the first problem (it took up half of the first page just explaining the problem), and I was scared for my life. I knew it was going to take FOREVER. Later, I realised that I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to take it in the testing center (which would have been bad, since the testing center was closed for the break) or at home, and I couldn't contact my chem teacher, since it was break. So I was moderately stressed about the test, and upset at myself for the points and the five tickets that I lost. This was for trigonometry, and I thought for sure that I'd get an A in trigonometry, but now it looked as though I would be lucky to get a B. I was very disappointed in myself.

So school was over, and classes were out, and there were lots of people just lingering, talking, getting a few more things done. I was walking down the stairs, down to the first floor. I reached the landing of the first floor, and there was a periodical table posted on the wall across from the stairs and a bookcase on the wall adjacent to the stairs, on the left. The door to go to the first floor was opposite the bookcase-wall, and the stairs to go down were to the right of the stairs that went up. I went to check out the bookcase. There weren't books in there, but little chemistry sets and models and beakers and such. There was this one glass model that was an outline of a hexagon, with a total "diameter" of maybe two feet, but the middle had no glass. The outline was one inch tall and one inch wide, and the whole thing was pretty large and heavy, but also incredibly fragile. I took it off the shelf, because it explained a question that I had about chemistry or something, but I set it on the floor, and it just shattered. Some of the glass went over the floor, but most of it stayed in the hexagonal shape. I stepped on some of the glass, because for some reason, right then, I was wearing socks. It hurt, and blood was leaking through my socks. Then one of the girls who used to be in my chem class (she was actually in my chem class last semester, and she's really smart), but who was now in O-chem and a couple of other chem classes, and physics too, came down the stairs. She saw me, and I asked her the question that I had been trying to figure out with the model. She said something like "Oh, I know this!" then came on the landing with me and started to piece the model back together. I told her, "Don't come down here, there's glass all over the place" but she just said, "Nah, I won't step on it. It can't hurt me" or something to that effect. And she didn't step on the glass, and I knew she couldn't step on the glass (I had no idea why she couldn't) but I was still worried. Then another chem teacher (who's a biochem teacher at my school. I've never had him, but he seems cool. I have no idea why he was in my dream.) popped his head around the corner and made some comment about the question that I was asking, but his comment didn't answer my question all the way. He also said something to the girl about one of the classes that she had with him. She responded, then continued to put the model back together. She couldn't exactly remember how the model was supposed to go, so she couldn't answer my question. She was trying to remember how the model went, and when she was able to remember that, then she'd remember the answer to my question. The answer to my question was the model, or something, but I didn't understand the model all the way. I was just standing there, my feet hurting, waiting for her to remember how to reassemble the model (and she could reassemble it, even though it was glass, and it was broken). She was taking a while, though. The biochem teacher came back, and started explaining to her how to put it back together. As he was explaining it, she was saying "Oh, that's right" and other such exclamations of remembrance. They were still putting it back together, but I left for some reason.

There was also this other part, where I was with one of my friends in the girl's bathroom. The bathroom was huge, but it was all just stalls and sinks. The bathroom was poorly lit (pitch black in some corners), dirty, dingy. The ceiling was high. The walls were this dark, rusty sort of red tile, with a stripe of dark olive green tile near the middleish, and on the stalls, there was the red tile with a stripe of dark dandelion yellow tile in the middle. The floors were dark blue tile. Everything was very dirty, stained with feces and urine and mould and dirt. There was the occasional rat running around, a few cockroaches, and lots of spiders. Most of the other people in the bathroom were larger, bulky girls, who looked dangerous and mean. Few of the locks on the stalls worked, and most of the toilets were clogged, and the water was brownish-green. But I suppose I really had to go. It took me a while to find a stall. My friend and I were just strolling along, talking. I finally went into this one stall, but it had a door on the opposite side that led into another larger stall. I went into the larger stall, just in case someone came into the smaller stall, but it was very dark, the toilet was horribly clogged, there were spiders and rats and a pool of nasty in the corner, and the lock didn't work. So I went to the smaller stall instead, but the lock didn't work very well on that either. I used it anyway. While I was using it, a girl came in, but backwards, because she was talking to someone else as she backed into the stall. I was shouting at them to get out, but it took a few times for her to notice me and then leave. So I finished using it, and was feeling bad for shouting at them. They were waiting outside the stall so they could use it, and I apologized for shouting, telling them that it was the first reaction that came into my mind. They said it was okay. Then I went and washed my hands, and my friend and I left.

For the past, like, five days I've been having weirdly vivid dreams like this. I'll wake up at some point in the night, probably around 2 or 3 or 4, then I'll fall back asleep, and I'll have one of these vivid dreams. Then I'll wake up and remember it. Saturday night, I had a dream that I called one of my friends and talked to them on the phone, but it seemed very real. Friday night, I had a dream that the humans were fighting cars, because the cars were trying to take over the earth, but we were in another dimension that belonged to the cars. The fighting all started out of miscommunication and confusion. And Thursday night I had a dream that Aurora had a kid that she pretended was mom's kid. There was also a part where I was at this weird store that looked kind of like WinCo, but the lighting made everything look dark blue, and it was night time outside, and there were mexican people. And a theatre, and rich people, and rich people's houses that we looked into because they were all set up like raquetball courts, and there was a ledge that you could walk across and look into the houses. They were nice houses.

I love vivid dreams.

Thoughts

2009-12-25T21:17:00.001-08:00

It's so weird...

People really do change.

It's so weird.

Life moves on in other places, not just where I exist.

Other people grow up too, other people live their lives.

It's so weird.

Life is so weird. People are so peculiar.

It can seem so incredibly, laughably simple, or so hugely, incomprehensibly complex.

It's so weird...

The Major and Minor of it all.

2009-12-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

My major is economics. My minor is math.

The only disappointing thing is that any time anyone will ask me what my major is, and I tell them, I'll get that pause, and you know they're thinking, "...BOring!" and then they'll verbally add the half-hearted reconciliate "Oh...cool...."

Oh well. I'm going to love it.

And the plan after college is still graduate school, but for econ, not statistics!

I'm so stoked.

2009-12-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

There go all my hopes and dreams of being a math tutor...

Chloe's got a temporary job. COoliO

2009-12-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Today, I found a really neat way to play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
I doubt I'll be able to replicate it unless I am again in the zone.
Which happens once in a red moon.

I worked at a bread-baking place today. Not baking bread, though. But other stuff. And it was fun. 8 hours of fun. And I get paid to do it. That seems weird. I even got free bread.

I want to get my hair colored and cutted. Perhaps I shall.

Today, I told someone what my major was, because they asked. They didn't know me, and neither did they know I'd been frustrated with the whole thing. But when I told them my major, it felt right. So I don't think it's jinxed. But all the same, I want to change it and have it be mine, officially, antes de I tell everyone. Not that anyone's going to be excited about it. Heh.

It's 10pm. Tengo hambre. No quiero comer. Y manyana, trabajo. I feel like watching a movie. YouTube! A Beautiful Mind, or Cinderella Man? We shall see.

Calculus and Conversation

2009-12-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

My calculus book came today, as did the box of presents that mum shipped to me.

I was more excited about the calculus book.

It was like an early Christmas.

I spent the entire day reading: reading my bio book (I'm dropping my bio class, though); reading my econ book; reading my calculus book; reading books for school. It was amazing. And I made a connection between calculus and statistics. On my own. And I even wrote it down on this little white board that we have in the apartment, and then took a picture of the white board so that I'd always have my discovery. I told my sister about it when she called, and she said I was a geek. No. I'm a nerd. But I'm hot, so it's okay.

I was talking with a friend tonight about everything from putting human life and the Atonement and love into a formula to missions. It was fascinating. There is so much to learn from everyone. And I know that the things I learn from the people I meet now will be important in some way later in life, and so I'd better pay attention. It's just amazing, what one can learn from others.

Oh, and I shan't put my major upon this blog, because it seems that every time I make it concrete, it's wrong, so suffice it to say that math shall be my minor and my major shan't be biology, nor will I do a double minor. Perhaps I'll put it up later. But I'm for sure for sure I'm in the right major now. And it is final and forever. No more changes. So there.

I'm so stoked for next semester. It'll be the best yet.

Looooveeee.

Nadie

2009-12-19T13:54:00.000-08:00

Two weeks to do whatever I'd like, with some constraints.
My own house.
Nobody around to bother me.

Hmm...

Yep...this'll be good...

Yep.

The End is Nigh at Hand

2009-12-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

One final left: The ACS Two Hour Mega-Comprehensive Fail-Me-Now Final.
I don't really care anymore.

Tee hee.
No more chem for me!!!!!

The Latest and Greatest

2009-12-15T16:04:00.001-08:00

I tried to switch my major today, but we're having minor complications. Ha, unintended pun. But anyways, I can't switch it yet.

But really, I was having minor complications. I didn't know what to choose for my minor. It was between biology and economics. And then today, it hit me: double minor.

I realised that the only thing I'm really passionate about in biology is human anatomy and physiology, and so I decided to go with the entire major because I didn't know what else to do. But the classes I'm really looking forward to are the anat and phys classes. The other stuff is cool, but I don't have the intense interest like I thought, and that will harm me. Math, on the other hand (my new intended major), I've found that I definitely have a passion for. It's the weirdest thing.

So anyway, there are only four more classes in biology that I want to take that I'll really work for, but I have enough credits to make biology be my minor. At the same time, there are enough economics classes that I want to take to have economics be my minor. So what makes the most sense is to be a double minor.

Standby for details.

Muse

2009-12-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

So either Muse is really really really good at faking it, or they actually feel the music that they're playing.

It's ALL about feeling it. Making it yours. Not playing a song, but singing your self. It's not just music, it's you.

Love.

Health Care Reform and Closed-Mindedness

2009-12-12T15:10:00.000-08:00

Do you know what I've noticed?

Most nearly everyone (including myself) are biased towards information in terms of political party.

This sounds so obvious (because it is) but it goes deeper than I thought.

We've all heard of the new health care reform thingie that's going through the senate right now. I've been curious about it, because I don't know much about it, and I know it would have huge consequences on many aspects of our country. So I've talked to a couple of people and read one or two articles, and all the information I've found has been given to me through the filter of bias, opinion, and past experience. I don't want this kind of information. I want pure facts, and in addition to that, I would like opinions from people on both sides of the issue. So I looked up the official website that is promoting the reform, and I looked up the text of the actual bill itself.

While I was looking over both of these, I found that I was viewing the information on the website that is promoting the reform in a negative light, already doubting the effectiveness of the reform, and the motives of Obama and his peoples. But then I tried looking at it in a different way, just for kicks. What if this is actually good? What do the people who I talk to know? What should it matter that they are democrats?

Here's some opinion for you:

In my opinion, I think that the majority of the people who talk about this reform know almost no facts. I think that the majority form their opinions from what they see on the news, what they hear from other people, and which party is promoting it. I think that a small amount of people have done some research, but that this research has been clouded by either positive thoughts or negative thoughts, depending on their political affiliation. I think that more democrats support this reform just because it is from Obama or because they are defending their party so they "have to" go with it (like loyalty to a sports team that you were raised with, even though they may suck); and I think that republicans have a problem with it because it's from Obama and because the democrats are supporting it. I think that the democrats look at the good that the reform will do, and ignore the harmful effects, and that the republicans look at the bad effects that the reform will have and downplay the good or pass it off as "fluffy democratic do-good-to-all irrational, wishful thinking".

I think that if people want to have a strong opinion on anything, and argue for or against something, they should do the research for themselves. I think that people should be smart. It annoys me when people strongly argue for or against something without having their facts founded on something solid. It annoys me when people are closed-minded, inflexible, and unwilling to admit that they may be wrong. And it very much annoys me that most of our political crap is all about pushing the names of the parties and the generalizations and stereotypes that go with them, rather than the actual, technical things that the parties are trying to do. Those who really understand what's going on and THEN formulate a strong opinion, and it's valid, are people I respect.

Sure, it's fine to say stuff, as long as you're willing to take in new information.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is: be open-minded, if you don't really know what you're talking about. You can't learn anything if you form a premature opinion on something, and won't accept any other information that contradicts your opinion.

That's just stupid.

But that's just my opinion.

'Cause no one really cares, they're just pretending.

2009-12-08T15:55:00.000-08:00

I bought textbooks online yesterday.
I bought one in the bookstore today.
I am set for next semester.
I am stoked.

Christmas break: piano, gym, library, job, get ahead on homework.

It'll be perfect.

I've realised that my life operates on Le Chatlier's principle. It's so very "I told you so", it makes me laugh. Ironically. Cynically. But I laugh nonetheless.

Questions.

2009-11-26T19:48:00.001-08:00

How do they predict how consumers will act? It can't be as simple as regular statistics. Aren't people less predictable such that you aren't able to use the methods of regular statistics? Or are people so predictable? Is it because they look at previous years? But what about the recession? Do they just look at what consumers have done in previous recessions, and adjust their data accordingly? I'm very curious.

On Small Businesses

2009-11-26T18:52:00.000-08:00

So last Wednesday I was in the library, studying for my chem exam on the third floor. I was sitting next to some dudes who started talking about business stuff. Although I was entranced with reviewing for chemistry, I had no choice but to eavesdrop. They talked about the Cupcake Cafe, a small cafe that sells cupcakes in Rexburg, and wondered how it stayed in business and discussed how profitable that kind of business could be and how long something like that could last.

I was on the internet today, reading, and found this article in the New York Times:

http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/25/are-cupcakes-a-viable-business/

Are Cupcakes a Viable Business?

We just published a story by Elizabeth Olson that takes a look at the Great Cupcake Rush of ‘09, an almost inexplicable spread of cupcakeries around the country. As Ms. Olson reports, a handful of chains — Magnolia Bakery in New York, Sprinkles Cupcakes in Beverly Hills — seem to be thriving but for many others it’s a struggle.

Porche Lovely, for example, opened Lovely Confections Bakery in a gentrifying district of Denver. Ms. Olson writes:

For each cupcake she sells, Ms. Lovely figures she spends 60 cents on ingredients, 57 cents on mortgage payments and utilities, 48 cents on labor, 18 cents on packaging and merchant fees, 16 cents on loan repayment, 24 cents for marketing, 18 cents for miscellaneous expenses and 4 cents for insurance. That totals $2.45, leaving a potential profit of 55 cents on each $3 cupcake.

So far, that profit margin is theoretical because Ms. Lovely is still paying off her start-up costs. She’s reluctant to predict when she may become profitable in part because of the economy — but also because cupcake competitors have been opening in her neighborhood.

What is it that makes this business so attractive to would-be owners? What chances do they have of succeeding?

I liked comment number 5:

When I saw estimated costs per unit in the original article my instantaneous reaction was that there was no way that Ms. Lovely will succeed in the marketplace. Breaking down the numbers reveals shocking poor cost control, take for instance that she estimated that it cost her 48 cents per cupcake. Lets assume that she is paying her employees $15 an hour, at 48 cents per unit each employee is responsible for roughly 30 cupcakes an hour! Either she is overstaffed, overpaying or underselling. There is no way that her current business model will succeed, plus how big is the market for $3 cupcakes? It seems like people get into this business out of some sense of comfort and reconnection, undoubtedly they fondly remember baking cupcakes with there family and want those senses to translate to there business ventures.

— Ryan
Also number 9 and 10:

Yet another fad. In a few years, when there are cupcake bakeries everywhere and some mega-franchise, they will have the same fate as all the Curves gym locations around here: boarded up.

— JenofNJAs someone who bakes, it takes more time to make a cupcake than it does to bake a double layer cake- don't kid yourselves, it also has to do with our sugar addiction - we're paying more for someone else giving us portion control, like those little 100 calorie snacks - about one of the worst ways to eat green around.....as for a business model -- there are some who will always thrive because they can spot future trends and some will die out....the darwinian cupcake model-Laura Greenberg
I've wondered about this kind of thing too: how the heck do small businesses stay in business with the low profit margin? I remember that the people I was sitting next to mentioned Walmart, and how they didn't make money from the price of the items that they sold, but from the amount of items that they sold. I've also had a friend tell me that because Walmart is so large (or something like that), they buy things in large quantities, and when you buy things in large quantities, they're cheaper. Also, everyone wants to sell to Walmart, because Walmart sells to everyone, and if Walmart doesn't like the price that the seller is offering, they are more able to negotiate it lower, since the seller would make a lot of money from Walmart either way, and if the seller went to a smaller business, they would make less money.

Isn't that interesting? I can't wait until I get to learn about this stuff.

On a side note, I dissected the turkey today. I found a major artery that extended down its spine, I found its spinal cord, I found what I think is either the pulmonary artery or the aorta, I found its scapulas (they're weirdly shaped), I found a tendon that moved the wing. I scraped off nearly all of the meat and fat and tendons and ligaments, and I cut into a few of the bones with a saw. I even boiled the bones to try and get everything off of them. Nobody was near as excited as I was; in fact, everyone but dad was grossed out. Lamesauces. It was cool. It was really cool. I learned about bird and human anatomy.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm going to go read more stuff.

More interesting stuff

2009-11-25T17:19:00.000-08:00

And this too:

Encoding specificity principle

Description

Have you ever been upstairs, wanted something that is downstairs, gone downstairs and then forgotten what you wanted. In fact it is only when you go back upstairs again that you remember what it was that you wanted.

When you store something in memory, the memory is not just of the item being stored but also of the context in which the memory occurred. Recall and recognition thus may be triggered by elements of the context being present.

Discussion

Tulving (1982, 1983) linked storage, recall and recognition by the principle that context is a unifying factor. In his words:

The probability of successful retrieval of the target item is a montonically increasing function of informational overlap between the information present at retrieval and the information stored in memory.

Isn't that just cool?

Something Interesting

2009-11-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

From my readings for class:

Music makes a mark on your brain/body. The musical pattern acts as a trigger for emotions

and thoughts. You have heard about Elder Packer telling you to sing a hymn when your

thoughts are no quite where they should be. There is great wisdom in this advice. The singing

will change your neural patterns involved in emotions, thoughts, and behavior. The music

marker helps to reason clearly based on emotions. This may sound strange, but emotions are

not disconnected from reason. The idea that they are separate comes from the philosophy of

Descartes, an influential Frenchman, and from others before him, such as Plato. We will not

get into a deep analysis of those philosophies. Let’s just be content that neuropsychology has

shown that when persons are not able to feel emotions, they are also incapable of reasoning

properly (see the work of Dr. Damasio and Mr. Phineas Gage case). This is very pertinent

because music creates powerful emotions among the general population (Grabrielson and

Lindstrom, 1993). In fact, Frey (1985) showed that in a sample of adults, about 8% of the

crying episodes in their life were caused by music alone. You can look at this way: let’s say

you cry 10 times this year; about 1 time out of 10, the crying will happen while/because your

are listening to a musical piece.

Isn't that interesting?

So I looked up some research:

http://cercor.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/10/3/295

The Emotional Mechanism that Biases Decision Making is Distinct from the Emotional Mechanism that Improves Memory

The previous discussion leads to the question of whether themechanism by which emotion improves memory is the same as, ordifferent from, the mechanism through which emotion biases decisions.The amygdala has been found to be necessary for emotions toimprove memory (Cahill et al., 1995). Our own work has alsoshown that the amygdala is important in the creation of biasesand in decision making (Bechara et al., 1999a). This suggeststhat in the amygdala, the mechanisms through which emotion modulatesmemory and decision making may be inseparable. The remainingquestion is whether these mechanisms might be separable in theVM cortex. In order to answer this last question, we tested12 normal control subjects and six VM patients with anteriorlesions that spared the basal forebrain for their memory ofa series of neutral and emotionally charged pictures. The seriesof pictures involved four sets, with four pictures in each set.Each set of four pictures contained two neutral (e.g. farm scenes)and two emotional (e.g. raped and mutilated bodies') pictures.The pictures in set 1 were presented once each; those in set2 were presented twice each; in set 3, four times each; andin set 4, eight times each. Five minutes after viewing all thepictures, subjects were tested for their recall of each picturethey saw, and for the overall content of the picture. The recallof picture content was calculated for each subject as a functionof repetition times and emotional content.

As might be expected, both normal controls and VM patients showedimproved memory as a result of repetition. The most importantfinding, however, was that both groups showed a response tothe emotion manipulation, producing a better memory curve forpictures with emotional content than for neutral pictures (Fig.8). Thus, this experiment actually separated the memory curvethat is a function of repetition from the curve that is a functionof emotional content. The results indicate that the VM patientsare able to use emotional content in order to enhance theirmemory, suggesting that the mechanism through which emotionmodulates decision making is different from that through whichemotion modulates memory. These results also support the conclusionthat the decision-making impairment of VM patients cannot beexplained by a deficit in the recall of emotional events.

2009-11-15T22:43:00.001-08:00

The second-best thing that's happened to me this semester:

I get to go home for Thanksgiving.

The first-best?

Getting on FastGrad.

The third-best?

Getting the one A out of the whole class on my first trig test. 97%, baby. And he let us correct two missed problems, and since I only missed two problems, I got a 100%. But I earned a 97%. Yeah. YEAH!

2009-11-14T19:21:00.001-08:00

I miss summer.

Life was a bit more beautiful then.

2009-10-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Update:

Got on FastGrad.

Went to a presentation given by a stats professor at BYU-Provo. He talked about what he did with stats and the stats graduate program at BYU-Provo. It got me thinking. And now my goal has switched from Med school to grad school, getting a masters or PhD in stats. I haven't decided. But I talked to my stats teacher, and the dissertation of which I was so terrified isn't so terrifying anymore. I would really like to go to grad school, and do something in Biostats. That would be awesome.

SO now I'm deciding how much I love biology versus how much I love math. Because I'm really not sure anymore. We'll see how calculus goes. My stats teacher said I should consider switching my major to math, and my minor to biology. I'm considering, but very seriously.

I also need to decide if that's really, really what I want to aim for. It would be awesome. It would be fun. It would be dreadfully hard. Would the happiness I get from it be enough to cancel out the hard work? I need to decide.

I'm not going to take O-chem. I've decided that I don't absolutely love chemistry. I enjoy it.

And class sign-up is on the 11th.

I'm so stoked to be on FastGrad.

Future

2009-10-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

New goals:

1. Get on FastGrad

2. Work my rear off

3. Get awesome grades

4. Get a scholarship

5. Go to Med school

I have a definite future. It's awesome.

And I give up on boys.

It's inside my head

2009-08-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

In the most recent news:

Life is still good. Let it stay that way, please. Life is really good. Life should not be this good. It really shouldn't. I'm starting to get kinda worried.

Whispering secrets in a car under the shower of a sprinkler

2009-07-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sister P. : My camera is broken, and I won't get around to buying one until after he leaves for summer break, so pictures will have to wait 'til September.

Kat: This is the guy I told you about. It maketh me happy.

Details: I'm terrible at telling stories. But I know that I like him, and I know that he likes me, and that's the important thing.

But anyways. Monday, I leave for Utah. Meet the fam there, then on to CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, I'm so stok-ed.

I'm going to buy another camera and take extra good care of it. It must needs be expedient that I buy a camera so that I mayest more fully take photos of life. I hate not being able to document anything, especialmente right now.

I love my life right now. It'll have to go downhill sometime, I know it, but right now, I'm happy.

The newest news.

2009-07-25T09:28:00.001-07:00

Hey guess what.

I have a boyfriend.

My mouth still feels weird saying that.

Let's Protest Homework

2009-07-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

I think that homework gets in the way of life way too often. I think we should all protest homework.

I also think that piano is awesome.

I also think that there should be more to do in Rexburg. But what was done was fun.

I need to do homework but I cain't focus no more. PROTEST!!

But it's halfway done. Just need to do it. Nike. Just do it. DO IT. I don't want to. I want to......

That's what I want to be doing right now. But it's okay, because later.

Later.

Do homework. Now.

Here's how it goes

2009-07-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

Lost my chem book, lost a $100 bill (my food money for the rest of the semester-I was so stoked about having money to roll-over for the next semester...suppose not). Had an awesome weekend. Understatement, of course. Four days of life with the guy I like. Not a bad way to spend my free time. Not a bad way at all. Gotta love them Fourth of July barbecues, tambien. Went to his friend's family's BBQ in IF. Had an awesome day away from Rexburg. Enjoyed them fireworks. For sure. Oh, if only you could have been there. And when he plays piano (yes, he plays piano) it's like..............yeah. Yeah.

But life.

'Tis life.

And movies. Those are fun too. Small couches rule.

But don't worry. I'm always home by curfew.

Life.

Can you hear me smile?

I thought I might get one more chance

2009-07-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

I liked yesterday.

School was all...school-y. Chem, piano, math, Book of Mormon (story: before BOM, my friend had to finish the readings, so she sat in the hall, and I said, "I want to go play piano in there". She said, "do it". And so I went into the chapel and played some hymns. There were only a couple people in there doing quiet studying or something. It was fun. I considered for a second skipping class and just playing piano for that hour. But I didn't. But after BOM, I considered skipping nut class, because attendance isn't required there, and just playing piano, but then my friend came up behind me and said, "Don't skip class". In a joking/serious sort of way. I laughed and asked her how she knew, and she said, "Because your class is THAT way." And so I went to class and drooled of boredom and tired and allergies for an hour.), nutrition. Then piano at the Snow, then home, then next door to see them off, then to Porter park to swing on the swings with my roommate Beth (Macadamia. Gazebo. Mukluk. Bulbous bouffant.) Then we ran through some sprinklers, then walked uphill, past the rich-person housing, through some more sprinklers, through a field. It was all so quiet and beautiful and awesome. Then up to the stake building, where we were going to play the organ, but it was locked, so we did piano instead. I played a couple of things, she played a thing, then we played a couple hymns together, then I played hymns while she sang, then we found an electric piano, then we went to Craigo's and had pizza, and it was SO FUN, and then we came outside and the sky was beautiful, then home, then I went and hung out with people, then I cursed curfew, spat at it, stabbed it in my head, and made it home on time. Then I took two Benadryl and went to sleep. Woke up at 11, felt sick, hot, tired, bleh. Woke up a bit more, and now I still feel allergies, but I feel better.

And this weekend's gonna rock. I promise.

A brief but info-loaded post (read between the lines)

2009-06-28T23:45:00.001-07:00

Yes, life is good. Life is great. The only complaint I have: there's not enough me right now. I need to split and be in many places at once. Friends, school, self, piano. Those of the male persuasion. Life is good, to be sure. And I just had some dang good brownies. Now it's time to do my long-procrastinated chem homework.

Busy

2009-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Yes. I am busy. So busy, I don't feel like talking. I run around all day and it's awesome. I ate way too many cookies today. I love school. I love piano, but I don't feel like I'm improving. I love the temple, I love prayer, I love church, I love devotional, I love life. And that's what I have time for.

My Thoughts

2009-05-09T15:25:00.001-07:00

I wish I could escape memories. They're tied in to everything: objects, places, temperatures, colours, smells, words. Memories evoke emotions, thoughts, that I don't want.

Where's the reset button? This game's not going how I want it to go. Where's rewind? Can't I start this over from a certain point?

I can't just leave a place when I don't want to remember anymore. That doesn't solve the problem. I want to erase the memories. I want to start life again, lessons kept but experience forgotten. It's not just the bad, but also the good that haunt me. I want to start life again, nothing holding me back. I don't want to have every object, place, temperature, colour, smell, word, be associated with some memory. Memories evoke emotions, thoughts, that I don't want. I wish I could escape memories.

WHAT?! FHE can be FUN?!?!?

2009-05-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

The one on the left is MPD, on the right, FD.

Read below for details.

OhmygoshtodaywasAWESOME!

Okay, it started all same-like. Class (I love chem), then to the Snow for an hour to practise, then home to do homework (done), then off to class again (it was all the way across campus to the Ricks and my shins and calves KILLED ME). It was math (my teacher's so awesome-Sister Eastman-we went to the vending machines to learn about functions), then BOM, where our teacher tied in Elder Bednar's devotional and us being the chosen generation with the Abrahamic covenant. He knows his scriptures so well, and he explained everything as a big circle of logic. It was so awesome, and he totally put everything into perspective. (Side note- everything is so connected. I keep noticing that.) Then to nutrition, where I was bored again, then home and eating dinner (leftovers). Then chilled for a bit, then met Char at the Snow to go get contracts for College Avenue (I'm gonna room with Char! It'll be great! And apparently lots of music and art majors live on college avenue, so maybe I'll meet some awesome people). Then to the Snow to practise, then home.

This is the fun part: I got home, two of our FHE bros were there. The original FHE was to have the ward gather at the Auxiliary gym in the Fart, but they forgot to reserve it. So we were at our house, wondering what to do. FHE bro #1 (who shall henceforth be referred to as Mission in the Philippines Dude, or MPD for short) suggested we go to Caesarito's, because he was hungry. I suggested we go to Braulims and I make chocolate chip cookies. No one had a lesson because they had planned on dodgeball to get them out of it, so when it was made known that a few of them had fallen asleep during the CES fireside, I got my notes out and shared some of my thoughts on the fireside. Then we walked to Braulims, got stuff, walked back home, and I made cookies. MPD left to go swimming after about an hour, and I was still in the kitchen baking. I came out after a while, and chilled on the arm of the couch. A while later, after about 30 mins of chilling and not doing much, we somehow got on to mission stories, and so I told FHE bro #2 (who shall henceforth be referred to as Funny Dude, or FD for short) to tell us some stories. Oh man, did he tell stories. He is a GREATAWESOME storyteller. He's hilarious, descriptive, and never laughs at his own jokes. He did that for about 3 hours, and we learned all about his companions. He laced everything with humor, but he definitely communicated lessons underneath all that. Oh man. It was awesome. I wish I could have recorded it all.

Some main points:

*Missions are hard

*Companions can be really weird

*Missions are the worst best time of your life

*Ugly girls go to the Chicago North Spanish-speaking Mission

*Chicago is not the most fun place to go on a mission

*Have a definitive break-off with anyone you've dated before a mission

*Winters in Chicago are brutal

It was awesome though. Seriously awesome. And I'm gonna be dead tired tomorrow.

It's Thursday.

2009-04-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

MEow.

Class, and then piano, and then class, and then home, and then temple, but they were too full so I sat in the chapel and read scriptures and pondered (lemme tell ya, it's the BEST place to read scriptures and think), then home, then out to eat (paid for by Emm's AWESOME mother- I'm gonna miss her when she goes) (Emms is AWESOME too), then piano, then home, then talking with the roomies (I have THE BEST roomies in the entire world). And now I'm refusing to go to bed.

Emily and I went to the temple together. On the three-or-so minute drive up there, she played "Praise To The Man" sung by MoTab and it was AWESOME. Then right as we got out of the car, there was lightning and the wind was blowing really hard and we almost died. Then we got in the temple and were told it was too full for me to do baptisms (that's how it should be) and so I sat in the chapel and studied my scriptures and read my patriarchal blessing. I really felt the spirit. I'm going to do baptisms on Saturday, so it's okay. Man, it was awesome though. And I know for sure that you receive blessings when you go to the temple. I am so blessed to have this opportunity to be at a university where we begin each class with a prayer, and where we have a temple within walking distance, where the spirit helps us to learn, where nearly everyone is a member and has the same standards. Where teachers tie the scriptures in to their lessons, and guys use stories from their missions when answering questions. Where all the buildings are dedicated. Where we have devotional each week. Oh my goodness. "Count your many blessings" for sure.

But after the temple, we started "Praise to the Man" again, and it came to the last verse, where it crescendos and becomes really epic, and we were driving right past the temple and it was so beautiful...it made me cry. I had the thought, "Satan will be defeated." Man. I love this gospel.

So tomorrow's Friday and TGIF. Piano and roommates and whatever else. And then Saturday and the temple and hanging with Char again and then Sunday and testimonies and more awesome lessons. Sunday's always a good day. Then do it all over again. But I love it (except for nutrition class. I know everything already and it's such a bore...I just doodle the whole time. But it's better than that genetics class I dropped. At least this is easy and I don't have to do any thinking.) So yeah. Still no complaints. I love chemistry and look forward to it each day. I love college algebra and look forward to it also. I look forward to BOM because my teacher is awesome and so is that class. I don't look forward to nutrition, but like I said, it's easy. Then there's communications, and I thought I'd hate that class, but I absolutely love it and I think I'm going to make a few friends from that class. And it's definitely going to help me be more social and confident. I can tell already. I love to listen to people and have them tell your stories. And I've found that it's really easy to have a conversation with someone if you keep them talking about themselves. When I had that thought, I laughed.

Oh, and I bought goggles for chem and felt like a huge nerd, and I also felt sort of proud of my nerdiness. But that'll come crashing down when I actually have to wear them.

I have one of the piano songs stuck in my head. The one by Scarlatti. I like that one. Can you hear it too?

I hate falling asleep. I love dreaming. I'm okay with sleep. I hate going to sleep full. I love going to sleep hungry. Dogmuffin.

I love my hair. So do other people. I've gotten compliments, and it makes me happy. It also makes me think that there are more people who like my hair who just don't tell me. I think compliments about people that I don't tell them. Shame on me.

I'm tired. I feel like drawing. I have a chem quiz that I need to take tomorrow or Saturday. Tomorrow for sure.

Rexburg. I love it here.

But the weather won't make up its mind. But I love it. It rained today. And hailed. And snowed. And fogged. What the heck.

So I love my life, and that's all there is to it. I'm freezing.

Another Post of Exponential Existential Experimental Happiness

2009-04-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THIS SCHOOL!

Ten things I've learned:

1. You learn more from classes if you prepare beforehand

2. If you do homework right when you get home, you have more free time

3. If you participate in ward activities, you have more fun

4. It's good to be not shy

5. People are generally nice

6. You learn more from church if you prepare beforehand

7. The temple is an awesome place

8. You get SO SO SO SO SO many blessings from going to the temple

9. If you do your part, the Lord helps you

10. Talking with friends is way fun

Yes yes yes. And on the topic of number eight: oh yes. OH YES. I can tell that I'm being helped in classes, I'm being helped with piano (I LOVE PIANO and I can tell I have improved so much! I had my first piano lesson today and I was assigned some tough stuff. But the awesome awesome thing is that I know I can do it- and that's never happened before, where I know I can do something. One's Scarlotti or something like that, and it's fast and chord-y, and another is by some soviet dude, and I know that with practise I can do them! I am SO excited. Oh, and that Fantasia by Mozart? I'm re-working on that- and oh my gosh I can READ THE MUSIC and PLAY IT! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!! I want to tell EVERYONE! I want to show EVERYONE!! It's so awesome, and it makes me so incredibly awesomely magically superfantastically HAPPY!!! I can't even describe! It's like those times when I could keep writing and writing how HAPPY and THANKFUL I am!!), I'm being helped to be social, I'm being helped with homework. There are so many things that I'm able to understand that I know I wouldn't understand otherwise. I'm doing what I am supposed to, and the Lord is helping me out, and I don't deserve to be blessed this much, but I am SO THANKFUL! Ohmygosh. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY! My classes are awesome, my classmates are awesome, piano's awesome, I got a calling today and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do but I'm happy to have a calling, my roommates are awesome (AWESOME!), my ward is awesome, our FHE brothers are awesome (hilarious!!), and I have absolutely no complaints.

I am a bit scared though. I thought I was supposed to be having trials? I'm happy. What's going on?

I can tell that other talents are improving too: drawing and some inside talents. Geez. My cup runneth over for sure.

Tell your friends, tell your mother, tell your dog, tell your dog's fleas, tell your house, tell your grass, tell the sky and the clouds and the rain and the stars and tell the world that Chloe Adell Lammi is the absolute most happy she has ever been in her entire life and that she is so thankful for everything that Heavenly Father has given her and that she wants to be the best she can be to please Him and to make this happiness last. OH my gosh. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am happy. Did I say that already? I'll say it again. I am happy. I am happy. I am HAPPY. I AM HAPPY!!!!! LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

I give everyone in the entire world a ginormous hug right now. Feel it?

Love.

LOVELOVELOVE.

Oh, life is...as near to perfect as is possible at this point in time. Tell the world. I am happy.

This is My life in a NUTSHELL (a large nutshell, like a walnut or maybe a coconut)

2009-04-23T13:45:00.001-07:00

WORK!

Whoa. Last semester was like a fetus compared to this semester. It's awesome though. AWESOME! I can tell that the spirit is definitely helping me learn, and I love LOVE that we start each class with a prayer, because it helps. I have gen chem every day, 7:45-8:45, and I love it. We're breezing through everything. Thank goodness I have such an awesome group. There's this one dude who knows everything, it seems, and he's really good at explaining. The other two people are nice also. Because my class is so early, I've been going to bed early...10-11pm early...

I have college algebra, and that class is going to just be an enhanced review of everything. I feel really stupid sometimes, though, because I know that I know how to do the math, but I don't remember how to do it, and it's such simple math! Oh, but something really cool: I've never been good at story problems (they confuse me unless they're really simple) but because we have the spirit here, I was able to figure through some that I would never have known how to do before. I LOVE BYU-I!

Let's see...I have BOM part 2, and my teacher's hilarious, and he makes class comfortable. Like, I think I may actually comment in that class....maybe. In the first class, he said something about how he can tell how good a class is going to be by how they sing the first hymn (with parts and stuff). We sang without midi, without piano. We started on the first line of "We Thank Thee, Oh God, for a Prophet", and everyone sang the melody....then when we came to the second line, it was like, all of a sudden, there was the bass, and the alto, and the tenor...it was SO SO SO beautifulcoolawesome! It made me smile, and it definitely brought the spirit. That class will be more work, but I know I'll get so much out of it.

Then I had a foundations genetics class, but I dropped it. It was not interesting, and now I know I'll never do anything with genetics (although I do have to take a class in genetics for my major...funtimes.) Instead, I signed up for a nutrition class. It's all stuff I know, and so it'll be easy, and perhaps enlightening...but probably not. I know nutrition.

Then Tues/Thur, I have a communications class...that class is CRAZY. It's going to be one of the worst discomforts of my life, but I know that if I put effort into it, it'll help me.

Then I have lab on Tues, 3:15-5:15, and we didn't do a lab this time, but worked on a worksheet. And now I understand sigfigs. SIGFIGS!

Today at 4:30 I go to the snow to fill out a card to be assigned a piano teacher, and they'll probably tell me that I'm not good enough and I'll have to start from the beginning. But that's okay, because I could use the practise, I guess.

And I'm being responsible this semester, actually doing my homework right after I come home. It's good. If I didn't do that, I'd fall way behind. And I have nothing else to do anyway. If I had any free time at all, it would probably be spent on Facebook. And that is a tremendous waste of time.

I say "and" a lot.

I also say "awesome" a lot.

The weather was really interesting yesterday. The sky was all nice and blue and cumulus-y, and I was in the Hinckley, looking out at the sky for an hour, and gradually, these huge, dark, sweet storm clouds moved in. I took pictures. I still had 20-ish minutes before class, so I went outside and lay (lie? laid? Stupid english) in the grass, and looked at the sky. I took more pictures. It got really windy, and eventually I went to the genetics class (which I dropped that night). After class, as I was walking through the gardens to get home, it started raining all of a sudden. But part of the sky was still beautiful and cumulus-y, and right above, it was dark and ominous and heavy. So the sun was still shining, and it was raining. It was summer rain. There was that smell...that smell of just-rained-on sunbaked concrete. LOVE!! Then, a couple minutes later, it stopped. I was across the street from Kerr when the absolute most awesome thing happened. It started raining again, but this time I was in FULL sun, with the dark clouds to the left, and the sun to the right, and it RAINED for maybe three minutes, then it stopped. It. was. cool. I took pictures. Emmz said that it hailed where she was. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

Oh, haha, also, during Music Outlet on Monday, there were almost no people there, since it was the first one, and I assume not many people knew that they were having it that night, and people were just getting up and performing (usually they sign up) and then the last person who got up did this:

He stood by the mike for a minute, with his guitar, and said something like, "Hang on, trying to remember how this goes...." Then he looked into the audience and asked, "what's your name" to people sitting in the second row. There was a guy and his wife, and the guy answered, but then Man On Stage said, "no, the girl sitting next to you". Wife answered, "Alyssia" or something like that, and MOS said, more to himself, "A-lyss-i-a...no, that won't work". Then this: "What's your name in the mickey mouse shirt?" "Chloe", said Chloe. And then he said, to himself again, "Chlo-e, chlo-e, yeah, that'll work." And then, oh my gosh, it was so funny!!! he started singing: "Chlo-o-e, can't you see, you're the only girl for me, Steph-a-nie. Steph-a-nie, can't you see, you're the only girl for me, Na-an-cy. Na-an-cy, can't you see, you're the only girl for me, (and then he paused for a second) An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny, can't you see, you're the only guy for me, Ti-mo-thy. Ti-mo-thy, can't you see, you're the only guy for me, (he paused again) ...Chlo-o-e." That's not exact, but you get the idea. It was so funny. I felt kinda bad afterward, though, because there was this other girl there who had on a mickey mouse sweater, but I know he was asking me because I was a few rows behind Wife Alyssia, and a bit to the left. Funtimes.

I took the math 110 placement test (i don't know why you have to take it when you've already taken 108, but whatever) and got 26/30, 86%. Nothing to brag about, but I'm happy. It's not for a grade, just so that you know you're in the right class.

I'm dissolving my enamel with diet soda, in all its caramel-coloured goodness.

Our chem teacher made homemade rootbeer in chem this morning. Chem class rules. So does Bro. Manner. He's a cool guy. But that class would be way hard if you had never had chem before.

In short: I love college, I have lots of homework, the weather is awesome, and this semester's gonna be the best semester in the entire history of the world (at least until next summer).

Another post.

2009-04-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

I got my books, I made an awesome card, and I hope to go to the Snow tonight. I'm actually having a written-down budget, too. That way I can see if I have extra moneys.

My classes this semester will be so interesting, but so hard. It'll be cool.

That is all.

Love love love love

2009-04-17T23:25:00.001-07:00

HOME! I am home.

So let's see...Wednesday, I suppose:

I was up 'til 4:00 am on Tuesday. I went to bed, woke up at 5:40. Car ride to Detroit, I kind of dozed, and I think I fell asleep a couple of times. 3 hours later, in Detroit. Checked the bags in, and I ended up throwing away like, 5 water bottles (stupid stupid stupid...what, I'm gonna blow up the plane with lemon-flavoured water, yogurt, soup, and a can of pineapple?) Waited for two hours, then plane ride for an hour and 30 minutes. Yay. Arrived in St. Louis, chilled there for around 4 hours. Plane ride for 3 hours, 40 minutes. Arrived in SLC. Waited an hour-ish for the shuttle. Shuttle ride for 4 hours. We went through rain and snow (but the rain was good- I got some cool long-exposure photos). Then picked up and brought to Kat's friend's house, and I slept on a short couch (the long couch was taken up by Alicia, a girl from the ward in Muskegon. She was my travel-mate. I don't think she likes me, and it's not just some unfounded idea. I've got little things that could add up to proof. I keep trying to be her friend, but I just don't think she likes me. So I'm not even gonna try. She was nice, but seemed a bit bland (although I never got to know her). It really bothers me though; what didn't she like about me? I never did anything to her. It bothers me. I tried to be nice and friendly. I just want to know why she doesn't like me, and then I'll be good.)

Thursday:

Woke up around 9, teeth, clothes, breakfast, ride to Danbury Manor East. Hello, Emily! Check in, move things inside, move Emily's things inside, disembowel the storage room, get her stuff out, put everything back in, move all that stuff inside, unpack for 4 hours, take a break, go to Subway, storage to get the remainder of my stuff, Walmart to get a pillow and a mattress cover (I had a pillow...I didn't know that. But it was flat, so it's good that I got a new one-I can NOT sleep on a flat pillow. I die.), Braulims for my oatmeal/splenda/salt/1 gal milk/cinnamon. Then back, finish unpacking, hang stuff on the walls. Colleen comes over (she's so awesome). She left, we chilled, I went to the Snow at 7ish. Played horribly (the keyboard screwed me over, but it was also the piano, methinks- the keys were too sensitive. I like them to be more resistant. I should have changed rooms) but had fun nonetheless. Came home at 10, chilled, chatted to people on the internet. That made me really happy. I think I may actually be a social person, but somewhere along the line I got screwed over on confidence. I love talking to people, hearing about their lives. I guess that would be letting people talk, then. But I do. People are so interesting, when you give them a chance. I went to bed at 2.

Friday: woke up. Emmz is gone. She had back surgery today, and she called after the surgery. She's okay. Then I decided I wanted to shower. So I went in the bathroom, tested the water. It was cold, even after letting it run for a minute. I was determined to have that shower. So while I was in a towel, I put three pots of water on the stove, and filled up two bowls with water, alternating them as I dumped one out then came back and got the other. The water coming from the tap was warm, so I just used that. I filled up the tub halfway, and it took 30ish minutes. And then I had a bath, and was satisfied. Take that, cold water! (Tonight I learned that I have to turn it in the other direction to get hot water...hehe) (But let it be known that the Chloe perseveres when she wants something badly enough, although that doesn't happen too often.) So after that, I got ready, and tried on all my pants and shirts that I had left in storage because I was bored. As I knew, none of them fit (but they're all size 0-3) but I know that with my restricted budget and with all the excersise I'm going to get here, I will be able to fit into my pretty pants again (and this makes me so exceedingly happy- I love being on a teensy food budget. Teensy food budget=teensy size. It's cool, though; it all works out. I want to lose weight, and I have a small budget, and I'm getting walking-around exercise. Ah! I'm so excited to be small and pretty again.) Then I settled on an outfit and put makeup on and had breakfast and read scriptures. Then I imported pictures and did some stuff on the computer. Then I decided I wanted to go to the Snow. I got over there and none of the practise rooms were open. This made me sad. It was a nice day, though, so I just walked back home and put my music bag inside and took a walk about town. It was warm, but with a cool breeze, so it was PERFECT. I got back 45 minutes later, and had lunch. Then I don't remember what I did, so it must not have been important, then I waited for Kat and stepped in water, then we unloaded her stuff, then went to the store and she got food and i got toothpaste. We went back to her place, and she fed me dinner (Thank you again!) and we watched a couple episodes of Lie To Me. I walked home, washed my face, brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, got into PJs, pretended not to be scared of the dark, empty house as I threw trash into the trash can in the kitchen without turning lights on. And now here I am, blogging to preserve memories.

Tomorrow @ 11 I'm going to Kat's house and we're gonna compare schedules and figure out exercise time, and then go buy books, and then I'm going to the Snow (hopefully it's open) and then home, and I will meet my new roomies. I think Emmz is coming back tomorrow. School starts Monday.

I'm having a general sense of not-happy right now (once again: take meds every day). I'm trying to pretend that I am happy until the meds kick in again. Stupid me. It's so annoying though. I hate being dependent on meds. Stupid serotonin.

And I have many cool pictures on my wall. This is home. I will be happy when the meds start working. Stupid stupid depression.

Tired. I'm gonna look at my budget. Goodnight.

I hope there are cute guys in church and in my classes (although I'll be too shy to talk to them or look at them and therefore they will think I'm being standoffish and I'll never get married. Eh. It would be nice to go on dates once in a while. I don't want a relationship, but dates would be fun. For whatever reason, though, guys don't like me. Harrumph. Thank goodness I have awesome friends. And piano. And sleep. I'm tired.)

Tired. I will be excited when the meds start working.

Goodnight.

Hellogoodbye

2009-04-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

I still have stuff to do...but I'm procrastinating. Hey-o!

Did billions of errands with mum today. Things are getting done. All I have left to to is pack and repack.

I may be up for a while.

When I post next, I shall be in Rexburg!

Easter

2009-04-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

D&C 76

22 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the ^atestimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he ^blives!

23 For we ^asaw him, even on the ^bright hand of ^cGod; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only ^dBegotten of the Father—

24 That by ^ahim, and through him, and of him, the ^bworlds are and were created, and the ^cinhabitants thereof are begotten ^dsons and daughters unto God.

Read the rest of the section now.

Asbestos and Actin

2009-04-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

Hey there hi there ho there!

Today was a greatly fun day.

I was woken up at around 9 by Dad, but decided to just lay on the couch in that half-awake, half-asleep state, where you know you're asleep and you can still hear and respond to everything around you. Then Jothan came home and rang the doorbell fifty million times. Other people were asleep so I had to jump up to answer the door. Then I got up because I knew there would be no going to sleep after that. I had breakfast and played piano a bit, then we all piled into the car at 10:40 to go to an easter-egg hunt thing. We did that, and it was fun (it was only for Thaden and Schink, but that's okay. It was fun watching them. It was at a different church, though, so Aurora was church-bashing some of the time, which annoyed me. Gen Con just addressed this. Did you pay attention? Good.) Then Dad decided all-of-a-sudded that he wanted to go to the Dairy Creamery or something like that (it's a cow farm) so we did, and first we had lunch at their restaurant (delicious sandwiches, salad, and all-you-can-drink milk). Then we went on the tour (it was just our family, and it was so cool!). The tour was awesome. It made me want to work on a cow farm. Our tour guide (one of the ranch owners) was really nice. After the tour, we went home, then I practised piano for a bit, then went to my last piano lesson (it got rescheduled twice). I think that's one of the things I'm gonna miss the most. Piano Teacher was so nice (she used to be my YW prez; she still is the YW prez) and she was always positive and complimentary. She had great advice, and she was really fun and easy to talk to. I'll miss her. I'll miss piano lessons. I looked forward to those each week.

After that, I came home and did stuff, then went outside and played with Pooless. I ended up pushing him in a wheelbarrow that has only one handle. He liked it. I liked it. It made us both happy. Then mum polished my hair a bit, trimming just my fuzzies and my bangs. Being a perfectionist is good sometimes. Now they're at the store, getting easter stuff, and after this post, I'm going to go clean. Wahoo. After I clean, I'm gonna play on the computer.

Oh, my hair's been recut and redyed. It looks awesome (except now it's so short that I'm gonna need to wear mascara all the time or I'll look like a dude). It'll look even more awesome on me once I've lost weight. Then I can be a thin pixie beauty. But the dye is Demi, so I need to redo it every 6-8 weeks. So I'm a-bringin' hair colour to college! w00t!

Four days. Love.

vOLvEr a RExBurG

2009-04-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

EDIT: I said that I had a 200-a-month budget. Well, it's actually a 200-a-semester food budget. Now THAT will be awesome.

(8 days)

I've got webcam set up, I've got budget made, I've got bags packed, I've got (most) affairs set in order. Most of what I need to figure out now has to be done when I get to Burgga-da-Burg-Rexy-Roxy-Roxbury-Rexburg. I need to wash my clothes, though...which I'll do after this! But I'm pretty much ready to leave in a day and NEVER NEVER NEVER come back.

If I don't get a job this semester, I'll need a job next semester. If I don't get a job next semester, I'm gonna be living off of oatmeal, tuna, and ramen, and not going to any university events unless I can bum off of friends.

I budgeted so that I only spend 200/semester on food...how's that for awesome!!

So thank goodness there are lots of parties and food handouts on the college scene. It's too bad guys don't like me or I could go on dates every night and get food that way.

I do hope things work out and I can stay there.

I need a job. And I don't just need a job. I NEED a job. Unless I want to come back here. But I'd rather starve on a 200-per-month food budget than come back here.

That's the end. I am SO SO SO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And SOOO happy!!! I'm goin' back, I'm goin' back, I'm goin' back hooooooooooooooome!

And I'll be right by the temple again, and this semester, I'm determined to go often.

So what's gonna happen this semester? Will I make new friends? Hopefully. Go on some dates? Highly doubtful. Learn a lot? DEFINITELY! Try my best? I plan to!

Have fun?

A solid and resounding YES.

And now I scream it:

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your voice is void Squeeze 'til your bones break

2009-04-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, wanna hear a secret?

Come closer.

No, closer.

Closer.

Good.

(I think I like country music)

Tell anyone, and your children will die, your house will be consumed in fire, your cat will eat your fish, your dog will eat your cat, and you'll never fit into a size less than XXXXL again.

Tell anyone, and your hair will fall out, your eyeballs will pop, your nose will become huge, and your entire body will be covered in red pus-acne.

You'll never catch me listening to it on my own, or tolerating it. As soon as it comes on, I'll do the regular "EW, country!" and make them change it. And therefore will this abnormality be crushed. I won't have this uncultured crap poisoning me.

But besides that. I stayed up 'til 1:30 last night (I intended to stay up longer, but I fell asleep on the floor watching Hercules with Mum and Aorta, then in a sleepy stupor stumbled over to the couch and slept there) and woke up all of a sudden at 5:30. I was just like, "okay" and chilled on the comp. Then I had breakfast, then practised piano, then drove Aorta to cross, stayed there and looked at the waves and the sand and the sky and played the keyboard (I took it in the car) (Side Note- There are few things as awesome and beautiful as coming over a hill and seeing the ocean, big, blue, stretching on until it meets the horizon). Then we went home (we wanted to stay and play on the beach so bad, but it was FREEZING and windy).

At home I made breakfast for Smells, Schink, and Mum. Then I did stuff, then I INVENTED MY OWN RECIPE!

I'm still working on it. Today was trial 1. I'll have to wait 'til 50 million years in the future 'til trial 2. But I think I know what to do now, and how it'll turn out. Ying!

Then I ran some errands with mum, and did other stuff, and now I'm playing piano and messing around with "Nearer, My God, to Thee". You know how people play hymns and just make them beautiful all impromptu-like? Yeah, I can't do that. But I can add in an extra note or two and stuff. Nothing worth mentioning. It's just fun, and good practise, I'd imagine. I love piano.

Right now, I'm wearing two shirts (one backwards) and two bras (one backwards) and my necklaces backwards. Yes, I am cool.

Okay. Check this place out if you ever feel like making music:

noteflight.com

It's cool. I just wish I could compose music...ah, that would be awesome.

Plywood Plaster of Paris People Pry Potatoes REXBURRY BURG BURG!!! 8 days, 2 hours. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEE!

Side Note

2009-04-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

Oh look, this side-note gets its own post!

Anyways, I was inspired by an artist on deviantART to try and make some felt accessories, so I'm browsing photos of felt accessories on google. I saw a picture of a girl with her hair in a ponytail and all of a sudden, for absolutely no reason at all, I wanted to have longer hair. I want to be able to pull my hair into a ponytail again.

So there you go.

I'm going to use my sleeping time on thinking about making feltstufffs.

Gen Con and The Rexburg

2009-04-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

Gen Con Gen Con GEN CON!!!

I love it.

I loved all the talks. Theme (according to Eolhc)- Adversity: Why it is Necessary and How to Get Through it.

But I'm not presumptuous.

Watching Gen Con reminded me of last year's conference. That was so fun, and such a great experience.

I budgeted and figured that in order for me to live in Le Burg for winter, I need a job. Even just an on-campus job will work. But it'd be cool if I could get a longer-term one. I'm going to do what I can, and pray that it works out and that I'm supposed to stay in Rexburg, because I don't think I could bear another four months at home. I'm done with that phase.

But to find a job...I'm scared. I've never had a "real" job and so I don't really know how to work, and I'm shy so I won't be able to talk to my co-workers unless they talk to me first. Maybe I'll do something where I don't have to interact too much, thereby prolonging the problem. Yes, I'll do that, because I'm comfortable with that.

11 days. I love piano.

Hi, Hello, Hey: Let's all be gay (happy)!

2009-04-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Financial aid came in! (finally)

It's for fall/spring '09/'10.

Tomorrow, I get to create a budget and find out how much it costs to stay in Burgland for winter semester.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If I can help it, I'm never returning to this blasted, cursed, idiot state with its laid-back people and horrid weather. (grumble grumble)

So for tomorrow, at least, I have purpose!

1 week, 4 days. 11 days.

The closer it gets, the longer it takes to get here. Time is definitely relative. Sidetrack- Isn't it so cool how everything is relative? It was physics that first helped me to realise that. Right now, I'm moving at zero kilometers per second. OR AM I?! I'm also moving at 0.5 km/s, 30 km/s, and 250 km/s, according to this site: www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/astronomy/planets/earth/Speeds.Shtml.

Because I am on the earth, I move as fast as the earth moves when I'm not moving.

Take a physics class. It is so WAY interesting. But make sure you get a good teacher. My teacher was a prat, therefore I learned a LOT less than I could have and everything got all muddled. He was a coach. Coaches shouldn't teach. Especially not physics. But take a physics class. I'm definitely giving it another go. It really helps you look at the world differently.

Then again, I'm a nerd. Don't tell anyone, though.

I made caramel today. It was FAWESOME!!! Like so immensely incredibly delicious, I would eat the whole dang pan if I didn't give a fart about my body.

Here's the recipe. Make it. Eat it. Get fat.

Or not.

http://www.leitesculinaria.com/recipes/cookbook/caramels.html

We also went to the beach. There were stupid ugly clouds covering the entire sky except for a sliver at the horizon where we watched the sun for maybe 5-10 minutes as it set. It was pretty, but still can't beat those sunsets in the Burg.

I also went on the trampoline in a short-sleeved shirt in the 44 degree windy spring weather. How's that for MANLY!?

Oh, and last night I made chicken tetrazzini. It is the FACE! But I don't have the link, and no one pays any attention to the recipes I post anyways, so it doesn't matter.

I had oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner today.

There's really nothing else that sounds good (besides cereal) and the way I make it, it's just delicious.

What?

You want to hear how I make delicious oatmeal?!

Of course you do. Because I know that everyone who has access to a computer reads my blog and tries the recipes I recommend, you're all just too shy to comment. I know how it is.

So, usually you boil 1 cup water with a dash of salt, then add 1/2 cup oats.

Well, I use 2 cups of water with 1/4 tsp salt, then add 1/2 cup oats.

Then I put it in this green glass bowl that we have, and it's big, and I add milk to about 1/2 in from the top (maybe 1/2-3/4 cup?)

Then I add some cinnamon (1/2 tsp?) and some Splenda (a few tbsps).

It's really REALLY good, and it fills you up, unlike just having 1 regular serving.

Beat that.

I wore a dress to the beach.

I have 11 more days in this evil place.

I like piano.

No, I LOVE piano. And I'm dead nervous for my class. Where's Confidence? I need him (because Confidence is definitely a him...Haughtiness is a girl, Arrogance is unisex, Cockiness is a guy, Shyness is a girl, and so on).

Tomorrow is General Conference and I'm so glad. I'm going to watch it at the church so that I don't have the chatelaines to distract me. I can't wait to go down to SLC for fall.

I need a hairtrim.

11 days.

e-l-e-v-e-n-d-a-y-s

Have you heard of the Leven Thumps books? Have you read them? You should, they're good.

Next week is spring break for the chatelains, and it's gonna suck to death.

S:OIEN:FHLWHEB"QPOWHJRNBG?K>X

I'm tired and I refuse to sleep.

I'm going to go use the bathroom then go waste time and try not to fall asleep.

Then tomorrow I'll sleep in then go to Gen Con and then stay for two hours and play piano (I'll bring lunch with me) then watch Gen Con then play piano s'more. Same on Sunday, except for the 2 hour break we have choir practise. Did I mention I'm singing alto, and it's awesome?

Hey-o.

Look at us we're beautiful All the people push and pull but They'll never get inside We've got too much to hide

2009-04-01T19:08:00.001-07:00

Happy April first, happy two weeks!!!!!

Did piano today; discovered Chopin's "Raindrop" prelude. It's fun.

I'm SO close to finishing my book of drawings. SO CLOSE!

My suitcase is packed, my things are sorted, I'm ready to leave and I'll not be thwarted.

Hail Rexburg, here I come; it's been too long and life's been quite dumb.

Bored I shan't be, when I return to thee.

Oh gee.

I think I'll pee.

I made a recipe with meat in the slow cooker (the only way I can cook meat and know it'll come out perfect) and it was WAY spicy.

I have chocolate-chip cookie dough fro' yo' waiting for me in the freezer. Fun Fact: Chocolate-chip Cookie Dough ice cream is mum's fave ice cream. I used to hate it. Now I like it (but only in fro' yo' form; I hate ice cream- it just tastes like lard. Thick and creamy on the tongue- ew.) Mum's other fave kind of ice cream is Cookies and Cream. I still hate that kind. But I LOVE Mint-Chocolate-Chip. Ying.

Two weeks.

Looovveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Learning, friends, bipolar weather. Exercise (but not the pointless kind). Shopping for yourself, by yourself. Going on walks wherever you want without informing anyone, just because you want to. Music Outlet. Snow building. Musical performances. Salt Lake City.

Oh holy. I miss it. And I can't believe I'll be back in ONLY TWO WEEKS! LOOVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I wonder what this semester will hold. We'll see, shan't we? :D

Cor, I'm stoked.

LOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

To Chloe, from Life: One humongous kick in the face (It's a good thing)

2009-03-31T18:29:00.000-07:00

Kat, I just finished Elder Stiner's emails. And I see exactly what you mean. Wow.

His unselfishness, his positive attitude (even with all that!), made me feel like such a spoiled, rotten, whiney butt, and it also made me want to be better. Why waste time complaining about things when you can change them? Life is too short. Read your scriptures, say your prayers, tell your family you love them. Don't listen to bad music or watch bad shows. Don't waste time. It's so simple...I just love the gospel, and how true it is, and how it makes everything clear. I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for being so patient with me, especially when I know better. ESPECIALLY when I know better. And I know that I know better. Everything I complain about is so trivial. And I have the Gospel, for muffin's sake! I have no room to complain, no room at all. I know my purpose, I know where I'm going. I have the scriptures. I have the opportunity to go to dang BYU-I! I have so many talents. I have a great family. I'm not dirt-poor. I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about. So many blessings, and I don't recognise them often enough. But that's going to change.

Nothing to say, except that life is awesome (stay positive!)

Dendrite